Nerd Products You Won't Find in Stores, Which Parents Need or At Least, Think They Want

Item #1) The Screen Killer Destructo Button:  I want the equivalent of a tantalus field in my home, one push of the button, and all screens everywhere in the home shut down.  No TV, no telephones, no computers, no tablets, no kindles, nooks, xboxes, wiiU's, playstations, DS's, iphone watches, ipods, Ipads, any of it, works for the next 2-10 hours, depending upon the setting you use.

 (See StarTrek Mirror Mirror if you don't know the reference).   I also want an override, so that the children can attempt bribery if they have the will.   If I'm going to borrow technology from the evil universe, I might as well be a corruptable version of Mom in the bargain.

Item #2) A Tardis  Parenting would be infinitely easier if we could move teen A from point B back to home without making an adult do anything other than pull a switch.  We also could coordinate the schedules that approximate a question you'd find on the revised version of the S.A.T.   There's a dire need for this invention, since none of us show any signs in our parenting of the next generation of having sufficient grace to merit bi-location.  Moving through space and time is something we do all the time, it's just only in one direction.  Given the demands of modern life, we need a way to collapse the transitions.   We don't need watches that take a licking and keep on ticking, we need a way to avoid the licking altogether.

I'd be happy for the Tardis if only to create some sort of folded space so we could put all the winter clothing in it and only get out what we need when we need it. Otherwise, I've done the math without the benefit of a sonic screwdriver to check my calculations, and there are 56 things sitting on my living room floor every afternoon when all the kids get home from school.


Item #3) Whatever it is in the Star Wars Universe that gets things so clean.  You look at the Star Wars Universe, and even the grungy places, they don't have dust.  They don't have trash.  The sandmen don't leave sand everywhere.  The giant Jaba the Hut doesn't leave a snail trail of slime. The walls in the most dangerous of cafes on Tatooine don't have unsightly spots where the java burst through the door and left a door knob sized welt in the wall.  Even the blasters, (when they hit anything), do so neatly.  Light sabers cauterize the wounds they give.  Yes, even when there's a massive bar fight and Hans shot first, no one ever spills a blasted thing.   People say sorry about the mess, but I'm thinking...what mess?  You don't even know the meaning of the word.  Even the garbage center in the detention cell block, with all of its debris, didn't make Princess Leia's outfit look dingy for more than the necessary scene.

Midi-Chlorians, Now with Extra Cleaning Power!

I'm thinking maybe those midi-chlorians are the universe's equivalent of scrubbing bubbles, working hard so we won't have too.  In which case, I'd be only too happy to use the force.  

Item #4)  M.I.B.  Flashy Thing

We all have parenting moments we'd rather forget. Cleaning up throw up at two in the morning comes to mind.  So eliminating those sort of memories from my history, well, I wouldn't mind it.  My one issue, would be, how often did they find it and use it on me?  "Mom, you promised we'd go for pizza in the afternoon."  "I don't remember."  "We do!"

Maybe this is not something we should invent...with great power....comes great confusion.

Item #5) I need a catch phrase that gets everyone front and center.  Now I'm not a picky person.

I want this:

        Avengers, Assemble!

I get this:

I'm not saying I know what the product is, only that I need it. 

Item #6)  With apologizes to Saint Anthony who does a spectacular job interveining for me daily when I can't find whatever it is I forgot because of the flashy thingy, that I can't locate, I want a Harry Potter magic wand.  Not so I can go around inflicting unforgivable curses on anyone, but so I can say..."Accio mated socks." and be done with it.   If I saw that in a "As Seen on TV" store, I'd buy two even if I had to pay extra for shipping and handiling.

Magic has some practical uses which go underexplored in the Potter Universe. In addition to being able to instantly find things, who doesn't need a bag of holding which doesn't weigh you down.  I know, I have a purse, I also have a weight lifting limit.  My bigger bag of holding in real life is my car.  Most everything can be found on the floor in it, so maybe I just need to tell my kids, go to the car, say accio homework, accio lunch box, accio bookbag, scarf, left hand glove, so they can bring them into the house and drop them on the floor. 

 At which point, I'll remind them to put everything in the Tardis.   When they say, it's too much, it won't fit, I can say, "It's bigger on the inside." and threaten to push the tantalus field if they don't.  If they complain, I'll tell them, "Resistance is futile."  Like I said, if I'm going to borrow from an evil universe...I'm going to do it like a boss.  Speaking of which...

Item#6) Nanites that initiate control over other beings.  Magic wasn't sufficient to get people with the program for a parent as formidable as Molly Weasley. No.  I need the ability to get kids to obey without that pesky free will business getting in the way.

Solution?  Love?  No. That leads to the kids using the flashy thingy on me so I don't notice they didn't clean their rooms or do their homework.  No, I want order.  I want discipline.  I've shown I'm willing to entertain the dark side, but maybe I didn't go far enough.  Injecting little nanites allowed the Borg to assimilate whole cultures for generations. I just want to get them all to go to bed and turn off the lights.  I'm only slightly evil.  One nanite per kid ought to do the trick. 

This Queen knew how to get folks to bed on time with their teeth brushed!

My only worry would be, the mito-chloridians might feel underappreciated if I used basic scrubbing spells, as would the nanites that cause children to behave. There might be a full scale rebellion if there's even one rogue.   In which case, things could get messy and my best advice would be, run!  In which case, maybe it's just for the best, I don't have access to any of these things...

Maybe I need to switch genres and get a house that cleans itself, or animals that assist with household chores, and a fairy godmother who makes sure I make it everywhere on time, and properly dressed.  She would have to be more flexible on that staying up past midnight thing though...

7 Quick Takes Friday

1.  Circle of Life...

Wednesday, there was a bunny in our garage. I didn't mind it, it's cute, it's not a pet and no one is going to be fearful of going out to get a bike or a diet coke with a long eared baby ball of fluff hopping around.  

Thursday, there is a four foot long black rat snake in our garage hunting.  

Friday.  Since there was no mongoose lurking outside my door, I called the exterminators. 

2.  Because Life isn't Thrilling Enough

I also had to call 911 yesterday when I smelled gas in the kitchen. I'd relit the pilot lights, run the fans and after 15 minutes to clear the air and still having it, two huge (made my 12 passenger van look puny) fire trucks pull up and check everything out.  Everything is fine. No worries.  But it did mean the evening was semi-shot.

3.  Bummed...Bummed...Bummed. 

May was supposed to be the big movie month with Iron Man 3 and StarTrek II.  We didn't make it last week and somehow, some of the steam for going has been lost, and the reviews for the second flight of Abrams' Enterprise crew has left me feeling like it might not be worth the thirty bucks.  Has anyone seen Iron Man 3? Is it a good flick for a date night? Need to discover something to obsess over until the next season of BBC's Sherlock Holmes comes out.

4.  Facebook asks what's on my mind? Apparently too much. Paul's teacher said, "I bet you're looking forward to Sunday?" and my brain when completely into panic mode ...like What DID I FORGET? IS THERE SOMETHING ON THE SCHEDULE THAT I FORGOT TO WRITE UP? AHHHHH   and she looked at me, "It's your day...Mother's day?" 

Ohhhhhh. Yeah. You meant me. I'm better now.

5.  What do you want to do for Mother's day?

Now that I think of it, I want to assemble the grill, have brisket or ribs or steaks, and set a plan for painting and re caulking the bathrooms.   If any of my children are reading this, I'd also like a gym membership. 

6.  Homeland Security

No, I'm not doing a political post. It's just I'm having to stand guard outside Paul's room to make sure lights go out.  It isn't just him though, my other kids have become accustomed to bedtime extensions that have become the bedtime expectations.  8 has become 8:30 has become 9 has become....after nine.  After nine, I am not interested in parenting. 

So after multiple attempts and parental warnings, my husband employed a tactic to get all of the children's attention. He turned off the power to the upstairs.  Suddenly, beds looked MUCH more attractive.  I'm hoping any child that reads this blog didn't make it this far but dutifully left after #5 to go hold a meeting with their fellow siblings about Mother's day so they don't find out what their father did. 

7.  File under A...for Annoying.

My children put out the trash and recycling. Sometimes they get to it the evening before, sometimes it is last minute the morning of...today was one of those "the morning of" moments.  I go out to run  the kids to school and find an orange paper slapped on my recycling bin at 7:30, the contents within still not picked up.  The note explained that the recycling was not picked up because it was not curbside by 7 o'clock a.m.  So someone works for the county to leave notes to those who don't put out their stuff before 7 after the truck goes by?  I admit, I felt tempted (out of annoyance) to put said recyclables in the trash in response.  I didn't, but are we really saving the Earth if we have a person paid to drive around leaving notes on why recycling didn't get picked up?  

Do I Have to Do Homework to Read Your Book?

No.   

How Much Do You Have to Know?

The question was posed, “Do you have to know Greek Myth to understand this book?”  No. 

But I hope reading it will spark your interest in discovering the richness of these ancient treasures whose influence is still felt today.  Want a modern Odyssey?  Try Finding Nemo. It’s all there.  The one eyed monster, the sirens, the underworld, the monster who tries to eat him, or if you want a more mature version, O Brother Where Art Thou?  

Both those stories stood without the working knowledge of one of their original sources, but the enjoyment of both films is enhanced by having a grasp of the original texts.  I’m going to have to go find the DVD in a minute just because they’re both such fun.

A bit of help if you want to have more familiar footing before reading The Book of Helen.

The Iliad (the older story) is more about how the Greeks made sense of their lives lacking belief that their souls did anything worth noting after death.  Immortality was something that could be earned, but it was hard fought (literally).  Honor and glory through battle was a means of immortality.  Hence the long lists of whom one has slain before battle commences. Recalling the names of the dead kept their memory alive, ergo if you were going to fight to the death, you told the other person you were trying to kill why you were worthy of remembering.  

Today, Startrek uses this concept as part of the background of Klingon culture.  This is why I am honorable. Now we fight.  Today is a good day to die because now you know my name and thus my name will be remembered.  Killing an honorable opponent enhanced your honor and kept theirs for entering into Stovokor.  

Ajax and Achilles would get this guy.

The other two means to immortality for the Greeks were children, and works –buildings, civilizations, art, and poetry.  The important thing was to have your name echoed, remembered.  Helen in my book longs for the same thing.  She wants a history of her story, that doesn’t just focus on what everyone already thinks they know.  

Also good for summer reading, Rick Ridoran’s Percy Jackson series tells you the plot line for the Iliad in his finale, (The Last Olympian) and there’s always Spark notes because iambic decameter grows old after about three pages. Having read the Iliad twice in college and twice since,  I recommend Fagles' translations of both epics, both present very readable prose for anyone wanting to read these two great works of Western civilization.  No need to slog through ten foot seems like a thousand pages poetry where your mind slides off the page when they start listing where all the ships came from. 

That's 1000 ships! 1000! Ah!Ha! Ha!

If you are more interested in the myths…i.e. the stories of the gods themselves, it depends upon your desire for intensity as to where to go.  Now I have “The Oxford Companion to Classical Literature” by Harvey which gives (this is before Wikipedia) overlays of every single god, goddess, muse, satyr, hero, heroine, named person, named object, site, shrine, concept in the world of Greek Myth that one can find.  It is a dazzling if overwhelming source of information, sort of like reading a dictionary.  On the other side is D’Aulaires, which gives the stories in formats perfect for kids. My third and fifth grader devoured this book. It’s been replaced twice in our library from overuse over the years by different children.  Admittedly, I must have checked it out myself at least six times during my grade school years, pouring over the pictures and stories, practically drooling to have found such a treasure trove of stuff.  Imagine my shock when I got to high school and got the grown up versions which were full of rape and violence.  It took me a while to adjust. 

   

One place I wouldn’t go to understand the Greek Myths, is to those films that tried to tell the Greek epic. They seemed to somehow always miss something crucial about the reality of these stories, the thing that made them timeless.  Clash of the Titans both in the 70’s and now, zzzzzzzzzzz.  Memo to tinsel town: There were no skeletal zombies in Greek Myth.  Not one. Zip. Zero. Nada. 

Wrong.

Dead is dead. You can summon shades to speak to you maybe or go down and hope you don’t get tricked into staying in the underworld but that’s it.  If you die, you become a shade.  A shade means no body.  Dead body means no soul.  That’s what the Greeks understood; it’s what they said in their myths. It’s why the name, the memory mattered so much. 

On to other films that do not quite convey the richness of the original materials. Troy the movie is faithful pretty and graspable but rather dull rendition and smushing together of the Iliad and beginning of the Odyssey. (Sorry Brad and Orlando, it just is).  

Admit it.  They just wanted you so you could recreate that sliding down the stairway on a shield while shooting a bow sequence that made you the coolest elf ever.  

The film gets Hector and in my opinion, Agamemnon, but everyone else, they just aren’t that interested and thus, it is not that interesting to watch. I won't even mention the very stupid Helen in that film. 

The Disney Percy Jackson film stunk, which goes to show even given an easy version of the story with modern settings, Hollywood can still mess it up.  Jason and the Argonauts?  Forgetaboutit! Hercules the movie (1984) and all other versions (aside from having a great song in the Disney version and a very cool Hades), do not get at the real struggle and drama of his myth, which was not his strength, but his succumbing to madness.  Most interpretations just gloss over that part, opting for the demi-god to be sort of a Greek version of Superman.  And we won’t even discuss the treatment of the muses as they have to cope with the stupid rendition of them as showgirls in Xanadu –which I admit, I saw….twice….and loved.  (I was a stupid teenager and had no clue).  

Because it's my blog...and I can.

But I apologize.

Greeks treated their heroes and gods as being like them, suffering, struggling, making stupid and inconsistent decisions and messing up and fighting often.  Somehow, the modern treatment of these very real creations gets run through a bleach cycle of thought, and thus the charm and realness of their tempers and actions gets stiffened.   One notable exception in the Hercules with real people series, Anthony Quinn as Zeus.  But that may be because it’s Anthony Quinn. 

You made a cool God of Thunder in an otherwise dull movie. 

And as for Helen herself, I have to thank Bettany Hughes.  Her book is invaluable.  It’s also incredibly interesting to trace the history of Helen in art, literature, and all of her various roles for various cultures.  Bettany digs into every version of Helen and the whys, the roles that a woman of that culture, in that rank required. It is very thorough. If you want to know how Helen walked into my brain and where I learned where I needed to go next to find out what happened next, this is the book that revealed where else to go.  

 http://www.bettanyhughes.co.uk/helen-of-troy

One last bit of music for you.  Because the Greek Gods and their world were designed to be able to explain/explore the harder realities we often don’t want to directly discus. It’s wonderful and resonates whenever it’s done right.  The one bit of Hercules the cartoon movie that shows 1) the animators having fun and 2) getting how to merge the psychology behind the character with the mayhem and magic of animation.  

Now, back to writing new book, The Book of Penelope. (Edited from prior statement) Back to editing.  Helen is 22 days from publishing and wants everything to be perfect, so she gets annoyed when I spend too much time doing anything not focused on her.  

Kobayashi Maru Test

For those unfamiliar with the title reference, Captain Kirk didn't believe in a "no win" senario. As I recall, regardless of the interpretation, be it Gene Roddenbery or Abrams' James Tiberius Kirk, the lad did not spend much time raising toddlers.

Hence, he never had to cope with how to give a redirection without inciting further incidents. Saying "Don't throw the powdered sugar." will probably elicit the exact behavior I want to avoid. Leaping over the island to grab the box as it begins to be wound up for the pitch by the toddler is likely to result in my getting coated with my kids' favorite French Toast condiment. Pig Latin takes too long for the older ones to translate. So that no uncoded messages over open channels bit won't work for me.

But I know what you're thinking. Why is the kid throwing the sugar? It's not ADHD. It's not a sugar rush either, that's what I'm seeking to prevent. Regrettably, it's pure logic.

The sugar you see, looks like snow. The toddler, she likes, no, loves snow. Specifically, she loves snow balls. "What's this? Snow in a box?" You see where this is going. Now powdered sugar does not pack as well as the real white stuff, but when you're eating French Toast, there's likely to be a bit of butter to use as a means of creating a decent sized lump.

"Would you like some syrup instead?" I try diversionary tactics. She agrees. So I breathe a sigh of relief as I cut up her dinner and add the desired maple goodness. I think, "I've won." The meal continues, the prospect of a floor full of sugar having been abated.

Then I see my five year old son, and without thinking, I say, "Don't lick your toast like a dog." and suddenly, there are four barking dogs at my table, licking the powdered sugar off their breakfast for dinner. Why subsequently saying, "Use a fork, knock it off!" doesn't result in similar copying, I don't know. The children yipped and wolfed down their dinner and I felt like the conversation had gone to the dogs. I was left wondering if I should have let the kid throw her sugar snow ball.

Maybe I'll have to get Kirk to come reprogram the senario so I can win.

Top Ten Red Shirted Ensigns Rejected Mottos

My son is done with school, and currently searching for a job. As such, he has time on his hand and I am subjected to conversations that I must admit, I would have found fascinating when I was sixteen, but then I was a nerd back when nerd meant shunned personally.

“Hey Mom?”
“Yes?”

“Did you ever wonder what the motto would be of the red shirted ensigns in Star Trek?”
“Honestly?”

“I mean, how about a blog entry with the top ten rejected ones. What do you think?”
“No.”

“Come on Mom, it would be cool. Didn’t you like Star Trek in high school?”
“Actually? No. In fact, I told one girl I thought Star Trek was dumb and she threatened to beat me up unless I took it back.”

“Seriously?”
“Yes. She got really mad when I said it was boring, and proceeded to tell me line by line the one about the tribbles."

"So when did you become a fan?"

"I only saw Wrath of Khan when I got to college and your Dad then took me. I didn't want to go. But you hang around with a person who loves it and eventually, you go and see III and IV, and just when you're getting into it, the ever lame almost killed everything V. The “What does God want with a Star Ship?” to which I answer, “To get the heck out of this movie as fast as possible.” Who wants that on their resume, Alien who pretends to be God in Star Trek 5?”

“Someone who used to be a red shirted ensign?”
“Good point.”

"By that point, I was invested so I forgave them when Undiscovered Country rolled out."

So without further adieu…
Rejected Slogans of the Loyal and Extremely Mortal, Red Shirted Ensigns

10) We never die the same way twice!

9) I’ll go first.

8) To advance the plot and fill one.

7) Aieeeeeeeeee!

6) The Life Insurance Policy for Star Fleet really kicks.

5) Maybe I’ll be the exception to the rule.

4) I’m with the captain -->

3) Are you sure the phaser is set on Stun?

2) Too Good at Target Practice to be a Storm Trooper

1) RSE’s, Ready to die so you won’t have to.

Special love to "Not Named Jeffy" for the Post and several of the Mottos.

To Go Where No One is Listening, Press Four

This week, I saw the new Star Trek movie and I have to say, I loved it.

I always love the way sci-fi futures solve all the little problems that vex us today with nifty neat technology. There aren’t any computers in the world of Star Trek that have to be taken back to the Geek Squad because some virus came through on an email promising to cure acne, make me lose ten pounds a night until I’m fit, and depositing an ungodly amount of money in my long forgotten Irish bank account. None of the cars or machines in that sci-fi world ever needs an oil change, only major repairs because some Romulan shot at them with highly advanced weaponry. And yet with all the high tech beaming and phasers, they haven’t lost the human touch. The communication between ships is still handled by a person, as versus a phone tree.

This is probably because at some point, the future techies installed a phone tree, thinking to cut into the Federation overhead by reducing demand for translators/communication officers to act as receptionists on board. I can just see how this would have played out:

“Hello, you have reached the communications branch of the starship Enterprise, NCC-1701. Please listen carefully, as our options have changed. If you require a standard rescue from a planet, star base or other such stationary locale, press 1. If you have a diplomatic request and require additional expertise such as a science, engineer or medical officer, press 2. If you are hostile or feel your planet’s issue is critical and cannot wait for normal diplomatic channels, press zero."

How many times did a direct photon get shot at the bridge, vaporizing the skeleton crew of loyal red shirted ensigns aboard for offering those sorts of choices?

Then I imagine, the techies tried voice recognition software. Having never had much luck with voice activated commands at my bank’s phone auto teller, I can just see the Enterprise switch board overloading as it tried to decipher Klingon suggestions that the whole Federation deserves Hell for creating such an infernal contraption. This would be after the sixth attempt to say, “The Federation is nothing but a collective of data gathering flunkies with Technicolor uniforms.” And having the computer voice recognition software translate it as, “You said you would like an Orion slave girl, a romulan ozal twist and three tribbles for Christmas. Is that correct?”

I know because my bank uses a phone tree and I’ve discovered over time that if I speak with my voice half an octave lower, like I’m a man, the machine understands. The moment I switch to my actual range, the phone tree begins to get confused. I’ve also found that accents increase the likelihood of me getting through to the bank’s version of Lt. Uhura much faster, so I’ve adopted a lt. Chekov approach. “I vould like to make a transfer from my savings account. Four thousand dollars, vwease.”

The machine is convinced I’d like to order checks with Dalmatians on them.
So I try Montgomery Scott. “I be needin a transfer.”

And the infernal contraption declares “For security purposes, we cannot process your request.”
After twenty minutes of attempting to get a real person or a transfer of funds, I’m cursing at the darn thing. I’d pull a Captain Kirk mood here, but there’s no one to punch. I just get to suffer because of the overuse and under impressive performance of technology.

“Damn machines.” I muttered, and then I realized, I’m turning into Bones.

One Sentence Movie Reviews

We may or may not be getting out of the hospital today. I am waiting on a report. In the meantime, my computer is not able to go online, and thus any writing is the result of impromptu material generated on the screen at the hospital. It is much harder to create material this way.

Given my logistical issues and the notion that brevity is the soul of wit, I introduce a new concept here: one sentence movie reviews.

In this age of high speed high octane fuel paced living, people don't have time to read an informed and well written report on all the films out there that might or might not be worth viewing. Thus, as a public service, I put forth these not quite haiku reviews. Please note, in some cases, I haven't seen the movie.

Wall-E: It takes a robot to save a village.

Finding Nemo: It's the Odyssey for fish.

Star Trek 5, Star Trek TNG: Either Rebellion or Nemesis: If you film it, they will come.

The Greatest Story Ever Told: Well yes, but not by you.

Troy: Orlando Bloom does for Greeks and the people of Illium what he did for elves and pirates.

Beowulf: Not enough mead or Angelina Jolie to satiate fans of either.

Quantum of Solace: Because when people think James Bond, the first thing that comes to mind is a measurement used in physics.

So fire up the microwave and try coming up with your own one sentence movie reviews. It's fun, free and decidedly more creative than what's coming out of Hollywood these days.

Here's hoping Paul and I are back home soon.

Writing Clinic

For those who don't know, in my spare time, I'm writing a book. (That's not joke). It's about Helen of Troy --something which so completely doesn't relate to my personal life that it creates a great escape from the daily grind of diaper changing.

The thing about writing a book is, I didn't know how because I'd never done it before. Imagine a quilt created by a four year old using tape, safety scissors and fabric she fished out of a barrel from Good Will. It may eventually one day look like a quilt should look, but not before a lot of maturation, better equipment and better skill gets imposed. Still, being a determined four year old with safety scissors, I carry on with my self appointed task.

Here are my tips if you are considering writing the next great American Novel so that others may not have this sort of mess on their hands. Please note, I said nothing about getting it published.

1) No prologue. In the beginning...Before there was Harry....starting the story with back-story automatically brands you as a rank amateur. Agents and other writers can spot it a mile away and will instinctively run the opposite direction. Anything important to the story is important to the story and must be TOLD within the story. There is no back story, only bits of the past that become relevant as the story unfolds.

2) Outline. I admit, my book is suffering a great deal because I didn't do this. The reason people don't do this, is they don't know how the book will go. Outlining does not solve this problem but it does give a scaffolding, a structure upon which to hang the pieces. Having to outline after the fact is very annoying, it's like ripping down drywall to put in insulation and support beams.

3) Read. No problem with this part, plenty of material for me. Read books. Read books that have nothing to do with what you are writing and everything to do with what you are writing. Then, if a piece moves you, look at it to see what the author did to make you feel or think what you are feeling or thinking --how did they set it up? It's like looking at someone else's blueprint for their house to get idea for your own.

4) BIC. Bottom in chair. Books don't write themselves. Online, you meet a lot of dreamers who talk about their books but never post a word count. Set a number for each week. Sure 80% of the word count will be rewritten but the words have to be written first before you can rewrite.

5) Tapestry Weaver or Jackson Pollack? Do you fly where inspiration leads or do you know what it should look like before you start. Rowling was a tapestry weaver --she knew ahead of time where she was going. I'm admittedly more of a Pollack style writer. I start writing inspired and fall into it. Now I'm having to graft it together. Pass the mental crazy glue.

6) Time Space Continuum issues. Jumping forward, back, it works in sci-fi because the rules are bended, but just as after a time, having James T. Kirk, Spock and McCoy jump into different time lines and experience fish out of water moments becomes a crutch, it can be a means of not writing, but merely inserting a character into a timeline. That can’t be the whole story or who cares.

7) Enjoy yourself. If the writing is starting to bore you, it will bore the audience. If you aren't having fun picturing the scene, no one else will. Don't talk about what you will write much. If you tell, you won't write. Tell about what you've written to those who can help.

8) Cheaters mode. Letters, dreams, prophesies, newspaper clippings and neighborhood gossips –allow main characters to know what they would not otherwise know, and allow the writer to get away with the improbable in the midst of the story. Some authors even tell you they’re cheating with the character saying things like “I can finally tell you…” or “It is time you knew…”

9) Head hopping and narration issues. If you’re in one person’s head, you’re stuck in their head. If you’re the third person all knowing narrator, you still don’t get to switch to first person reflections. This is tough. We don’t get to know what Mr. Knightly is thinking, only what Emma thinks until Mr. Knightly reveals his own thoughts.

10) Big finish. The exploding deathstar where all is made clear, all is resolved and everything is happy ever after. Heroes are laden with excessive amounts of gifts and prizes such that it seems they are set for life. Closure yes. Here is where a lot of people get into the “I can finally tell you” or epilogue –another error seen often in first time writers. Resolution is resolution. We close the curtain and hope people applaud for allowing us into the world for a time.

Happy writing.

I'll be back to funny later, but every once in a while, the final tip of writing has to be observed. If you are stuck, write something else. Been having a major dry spell lately on funny stuff, so I'll have to fill this with something useful.

Finally, for those curious, My book, The Book of Helen is 81.6K strong and 14 months old. First four chapters, love ‘em, next four have good stuff, then there’s this sticky undisciplined tangle mess and a strong final conclusion. Got to go rip out some drywall though, and put in some support beams. Pass the safety scissors.

On the Road to Oz

He still hasn't found that convenient bucket to throw in case of fire.

Poor Dorothy. He's been on that yellow brick road for a long time now, and still, Elphaba keeps popping up. Even when he's brought back the broom to the Wizards of the DNC, Hillary keeps appearing in the crystal ball saying, "I'll get you my pretty, you and your little delegates too..."

This despite the fact that Oprah the good has given her blessing and all of munchkin land --Hollywood has welcomed him. Susan Sarandon has declared she will move to Canada if he doesn't win, can the Balwins be far behind? In a grand gesture, George Lucas has given his Gnostic blessing to the young candidate who would be president..."The Force is with him." Those mitochondrians must account for the half votes in Florida and Michigan.

Obama is like Boba Fett vs. all the clones that became the army of Storm Troopers for the Empire...Dukakis, clone, Al Gore...clone...John Kerry...clone...John Edwards...clone of a clone...talk about recycling. He at least says these values with absolute personal conviction.

Now, Hillary is talking about considering the veep position. It's rather like the Black knight of Monty Python saying "None Shall Pass." To quote Arthur, "You fought nobly good sir knight but the battle is mine." "Have at ye!"..."Alright, we'll call it a draw." She's hoping she's James Bond strapped on the table coming up with the right phrase, "Operation Grand Slam." to turn off the laser. Given what eventually happens to Bond in that Movie, Bill is hoping the same thing too.

In legislation, Hillary has become the poison pill that results in what Washington laughingly refers to as "compromise." If you don't swallow her, the DNC will split, if you do swallow her, you will taste bad to some who found you appealing before. Is it the great perfect dream team or the iceburg merging with the Titanic? It depends upon who you ask and when.

One of the delegates said, joining forces would be like "discovering there's no tooth fairy." Someone should brief that unnamed influential Democrat mentioned in Maureen Dowd's column today, "tooth fairies...not documented as actual entities at least by scientific means."

Still, I find the man hypnotic to watch. Listening hard to every policy and speech being given, I can't help but wonder how he does it. No one makes the idea of having one's wallet sucked dry sound as appealing as he does. He could read the phone book aloud with depth of feeling.

Going to now fire up my SUV, fill my tank and stop by a McDonalds...

Joining the Gamers' Club

What we don’t know innately, we marry.

For example, my husband has a built in GPS in his head. He can tell North on a starless night without a compass or those pesky Auroras Borealis. On the other hand, I still navigate the town that has been our home for thirteen years with mild trepidation. There is a Bermuda Triangle within its radius that plagues me still to this day. The directions for getting to the Victory Center where our daughters play basketball have imprinted on my brain such that I cannot get there….without getting lost first. I have come to terms with my faulty brain. I don’t take them to games anymore.

I dance, love musical theatre and enjoy reading the classics. He reads history for pleasure and can remember it without a test the next day. In other words, ask me if you’re playing Trivial Pursuit for the brown or the pink slice of pie, ask him if you need the history one. I don’t even remember what color that pie piece is.

Where are my…?

During our dating years, I marveled at how organized and put together my future spouse was. He never lost anything. I lost my purse and found it later the second night we met. My I.D. card fell out of my pocket in December. When the snow finally melted that semester in April, I found it again.


I have learned to look in the place where things ought to be first when beginning a mission to retrieve lost objects. Cue Mission Impossible music here. I am now the GPS for all items within the household.

"I can't find my music stand."

"It's next to the computer in the study."

"We don't have lunch boxes!"

"They're still out in the car where you left them."

“Where are my papers from yesterday?”

“They’re on the table under the lunchbox in the kitchen.”

Actually, I’m more like the brown paper envelope in the middle of the Clue Game. I have the answers, I just need the right question.

Scrabble, Upwards and On Words…

We play cards and strategy computer games and every board game there is in our house. My husband is the master of the set battle plan, thus he usually wins at hearts and always at “Go.” My method of play is more on the fly, I school him at chess and occasionally have a run of victories at cards. Where we both are evenly matched is Scrabble. He can plink down amazing words.

Because I’m a non-speller, my victories have been mostly moral ones, but there was one where I put down the “J” on a triple letter score to catapult to the lead, forming the word “Jo.” “That’s not a word. I challenge.” It was a bluff, but I lucked out. It means sweetheart. I tried calling him that for a time, it didn’t stick. It’s a stupid word and even I concede, I won, but with dishonor. (You have to say that last part with a Klingon accent).

Speaking of Klingons,

If anyone in cyber space has Quest for the Throne, the Klingon version of Star Fleet Battles (STB), I’ll buy it from you. Back in my sophomore year of college, he bought the game to teach me about STB quickly and I was undefeated in seven tries despite being an absolute rookie. Then the game vanished mysteriously. He promises he didn’t throw it away.

Gifts and Gift Giving

November 15, 1992 A day that remains pivotal in my spousal relationship. No, it’s not our anniversary or the anniversary of an anniversary or anyone’s birthday. It’s the day we stopped being newlyweds and became a “settled” couple. My husband came home and saw me putting away some shirts from the drycleaners. After dinner, he gave me a pensive gaze and said with recognition in his voice, “You don’t iron for me anymore.” I laughed.

December 20, 1997 We were wrapping up the last of the loot when it occurred to me I hadn’t bought my beloved a present. Expecting a baby, I could have punted and just allotted the oversight to pregnancy hormones. My admittedly feeble attempt to rectify the situation was worthy of spousal scorn, but he’s a very gallant man. My folks were in town for the holidays and I had purchased several books. Having overheard my mom talk about having read one of the books I had bought for her, I regifted on the spot. The problem was, he knew about that book in particular and the fact that it was originally intended for my mom. The inscription on the inside says it all. “I was thinking of you as I wrapped this book, Love S.”

The other day, my husband called me about a sign he saw talking about giving your wife a rock to remember. “How about some quartz?” he offered. “Wow. That would be great!” He showed up with what I estimate to be a 90 lb. boulder that looks very nice in our back yard. The sparkly earrings came later. I countered by getting him something I swore when we dated I’d never do, some practical gifts, fresh pants and socks. Then, feeling bad, I impulsively bought him a beautiful red blanket, and “The Man of LaMancha.”

Romance may be about getting hearts and flowers but love isn’t about getting what you want. It’s getting what you most profoundly need, even if it’s to be told to shape up. We’ve both demanded that the other become more of the person God intended us to be over the years. We diet and budget and struggle with organizational systems to manage our many charges together. He’s learned to bring chocolate on any occasion and how to dance, and I’ve discovered the History section at the book store under his tutelage. I’ve introduced him to musicals and classic film and he’s taken us to civil war battle grounds and explained the campaigns. He’s even navigated me over the phone to the basketball center. And together, we’re a tough match in cards or Trivial Pursuit.

Think I may buy an ironing board, just to surprise him.