7 Quick Takes Friday

1. Last week was the Erma Bombeck Writer's Conference.  I didn't attend because I'd just spent time in Miami with my husband the weekend before and that would have been too much too much. But I missed it when I heard what all my writer friends were doing. It sounded like a blast. The next one is in 2014 so maybe I'll get to go then...and be a speaker. 

Back in 2008 when I did attend, I did stand up.  I'm putting it here for those who didn't get to see it.  Warning: It is rough (first and only time doing stand up), and bawdy so my kids have not seen it, but it was fun.  And it's permanent, so my kids can laugh at me when they're adults or be mortified that it's still on the Internet.  

2.  Planning a change.  I host Small Success Thursday here on Thursdays (Natch), but it hasn't taken hold. I've asked to move the venue to Catholicmom.com where it seems, it would be a good fit.  I'll let you know if that happens and then we can all go there to post our week's triumphs over minutia.

 I can't work under these conditions...heh.  I just wanted an excuse to post this picture of my Diva Queen.

3. On a more serious note, my daughter is getting confirmed next week. 

Before my sister got confirmed, she'd written me a letter asking "What is an experience of the Holy Spirit?"  The question seemed bigger than anything a new mom at the age of 26 could muster so I asked lots of people to answer the question as best they could. The question still stands because even with all the answers (which were lovely and brilliant), there are still more answers because the Holy Spirit is infinite and speaks and breathes through all of our lives as much as we permit.  

So what generically is an experience of the Holy Spirit? It is a moment of grace, a moment when we know, we have somehow stepped out of ourselves for others and that this is a gift, a moreness than we would have given if left to our own devices. 

The how of that experience is as diverse as our lives, as our needs, as the world around us.  Being called to prayer, to serve, to listen, to ask the right question, to go be with someone, to live out the beatitudes in that moment, to be present, fully present as the Eucharist is fully present to us, that is an experience of Holiness, and that Holiness is the Holy Spirit at work in us.  Pray for my daughter as she prepares this last week before Confirmation, and for all receiving this sacrament.  It is a beautiful day for them and the beginning of adult Catholic life. 

My daughter at Easter, a gentle heart and modest spirit.

I don't have many pictures of her because she prefers to be the one behind the camera.

4.  Day 6 of South Beach.

So naturally, I'm hosting a party this weekend and will be surrounded by

and

However, I'm down 7 pounds so I am bragging here to steel myself for the weekend.

5. Momentary distraction/rant.  Memo to Hollywood: GO READ A BOOK ALREADY!

Because movies like this:

And this:

are just not going to get me to fork over 20$ to sit by my lonesome, let alone spend valuable date night time not eating popcorn, sitting through CGI created mayhem based on games that I spend countless hours picking up off the floor for fear of a child choking. 

When Hi Ho Cherrio and Checkers make it to the big screen, I'm going to just declare Hollywood dead, host a Cinematic wake using good flicks and microwave popcorn with real butter and wait for someone with a brain to start working in tinsel town.  These sort of films exist because teenagers no longer can afford to go on dates at the movies. I'm sure of it. Bring your own Junior mints.

6. Now I am a visual person. Movies stay in my head forever. So I don't watch scary films because they stay in my head.

My brother gave us a series, Firefly. It's good. We like sci-fi and as such looked forward to watching one show a night to go through the series as a home date. The other night however, the episode focused on one of the villainous races, Reavers, men who go psychotically mad in space and become self mutilating murderous savage raping cannibals. It took hours for my brain to settle down enough to allow me to rest.

Sci-fi is to me one of the most difficult genres, because many people think sci-fi is about the technology. It's not. The technology should be like the technology in my house even though it is futuristic or in space, it should be a source of almost no interest in the same way, I'm not interested in talking about my dryer as long as it's working. The story is humanity carving out meaning and purpose and identity in a universe that threatens to dwarf and diminish the soul by its immenseness. 

So Firefly so far, is wrestling or trying to wrestle with bigger questions than whether the warp conduit is needing a complete overhaul and thus, I'm intrigued. However, I'm just going to keep my Wikipedia spoiler page open before each episode to see if it is compatible with sleeping after night time viewing.

7. Pinterest and me.

This week, I tried Pinterest.  I do not yet get it, but I see other people's pages and I'm thrown back into high school mentality, when everyone else had things much more figured out than me and not only that, what they had figured out was so very cool.   So I'm going to do what I did in high school, hang out near the cool kids and easedroop until I get the hang of things...it may take 4 years.

 

Coffee, Tea, Republicans and the DNC, meet Carrie

How did it come to this?   So far we have the party that was in power and spent money they didn't have on things the American people didn't want and so we voted them out of power; and the party that is in power that spends three times the money we don't have on things we don't want and seems bent on betting that since we voted the last guys out, we won't vote these folks out instead since all we get is then is the first ex back.  Meanwhile, neither of the two prime parties seem interested in doing any soul searching about why they might not be as popular as they think they are, but both are dead certain they're much more humble and loveable than each other.   Bleah on them both!

The tea partiers are the up and commer late bloomer kids at the school.  They're somewhat unknown and have a bit of a nerdy rep, but they are an alternative to the other two which makes them at least interesting. 
Voters however, having been dumped by the last cool new guy are hesitant and unsure. 

Suddenly being unasked to the prom makes you the most powerful person in the world, and the most irritated; because none of the available dates are people we'd want to spend the evening dancing with, much less give a kiss good night.  The newest kid on the block being the Left alternative to the Tea partiers, the Coffee party. They don't like what's happening but they don't want to join the latest clique in the high school so they've formed their own.

We'd stay home and watch re-runs on television and catch up on the news but we really put a lot of effort into this dance and so it's annoying to see everyone else go and take advantage of our hard work and miss out on the opportunity at least to hear the music and get a bit of punch, maybe a snack or two. 

But if the Prom King plans with Nancy and Harry to pass this Healthcare mess and by allowing for pork all over, be warned. The mousy voters who are the Prom Queen might get a bit mad and you think Carrie threw a fit at the end of that movie.

To Go Where No One is Listening, Press Four

This week, I saw the new Star Trek movie and I have to say, I loved it.

I always love the way sci-fi futures solve all the little problems that vex us today with nifty neat technology. There aren’t any computers in the world of Star Trek that have to be taken back to the Geek Squad because some virus came through on an email promising to cure acne, make me lose ten pounds a night until I’m fit, and depositing an ungodly amount of money in my long forgotten Irish bank account. None of the cars or machines in that sci-fi world ever needs an oil change, only major repairs because some Romulan shot at them with highly advanced weaponry. And yet with all the high tech beaming and phasers, they haven’t lost the human touch. The communication between ships is still handled by a person, as versus a phone tree.

This is probably because at some point, the future techies installed a phone tree, thinking to cut into the Federation overhead by reducing demand for translators/communication officers to act as receptionists on board. I can just see how this would have played out:

“Hello, you have reached the communications branch of the starship Enterprise, NCC-1701. Please listen carefully, as our options have changed. If you require a standard rescue from a planet, star base or other such stationary locale, press 1. If you have a diplomatic request and require additional expertise such as a science, engineer or medical officer, press 2. If you are hostile or feel your planet’s issue is critical and cannot wait for normal diplomatic channels, press zero."

How many times did a direct photon get shot at the bridge, vaporizing the skeleton crew of loyal red shirted ensigns aboard for offering those sorts of choices?

Then I imagine, the techies tried voice recognition software. Having never had much luck with voice activated commands at my bank’s phone auto teller, I can just see the Enterprise switch board overloading as it tried to decipher Klingon suggestions that the whole Federation deserves Hell for creating such an infernal contraption. This would be after the sixth attempt to say, “The Federation is nothing but a collective of data gathering flunkies with Technicolor uniforms.” And having the computer voice recognition software translate it as, “You said you would like an Orion slave girl, a romulan ozal twist and three tribbles for Christmas. Is that correct?”

I know because my bank uses a phone tree and I’ve discovered over time that if I speak with my voice half an octave lower, like I’m a man, the machine understands. The moment I switch to my actual range, the phone tree begins to get confused. I’ve also found that accents increase the likelihood of me getting through to the bank’s version of Lt. Uhura much faster, so I’ve adopted a lt. Chekov approach. “I vould like to make a transfer from my savings account. Four thousand dollars, vwease.”

The machine is convinced I’d like to order checks with Dalmatians on them.
So I try Montgomery Scott. “I be needin a transfer.”

And the infernal contraption declares “For security purposes, we cannot process your request.”
After twenty minutes of attempting to get a real person or a transfer of funds, I’m cursing at the darn thing. I’d pull a Captain Kirk mood here, but there’s no one to punch. I just get to suffer because of the overuse and under impressive performance of technology.

“Damn machines.” I muttered, and then I realized, I’m turning into Bones.

One Sentence Movie Reviews

We may or may not be getting out of the hospital today. I am waiting on a report. In the meantime, my computer is not able to go online, and thus any writing is the result of impromptu material generated on the screen at the hospital. It is much harder to create material this way.

Given my logistical issues and the notion that brevity is the soul of wit, I introduce a new concept here: one sentence movie reviews.

In this age of high speed high octane fuel paced living, people don't have time to read an informed and well written report on all the films out there that might or might not be worth viewing. Thus, as a public service, I put forth these not quite haiku reviews. Please note, in some cases, I haven't seen the movie.

Wall-E: It takes a robot to save a village.

Finding Nemo: It's the Odyssey for fish.

Star Trek 5, Star Trek TNG: Either Rebellion or Nemesis: If you film it, they will come.

The Greatest Story Ever Told: Well yes, but not by you.

Troy: Orlando Bloom does for Greeks and the people of Illium what he did for elves and pirates.

Beowulf: Not enough mead or Angelina Jolie to satiate fans of either.

Quantum of Solace: Because when people think James Bond, the first thing that comes to mind is a measurement used in physics.

So fire up the microwave and try coming up with your own one sentence movie reviews. It's fun, free and decidedly more creative than what's coming out of Hollywood these days.

Here's hoping Paul and I are back home soon.

An Interview with Captain Billy

Hello.

Today, we had the good fortune to make contact with Captain Billy of the Pirate Parenting Guide, (link to your right) as taken down by Tim Bete on cocktail napkins between purchases of alcohol. Tim is a parent, published humorist and organizer of the Erma Bombeck Conference. Having purchased the book myself and read a good bit of it this summer, I still had questions for the Captain for those parents out there considering the commitment involved in raising Pirates rather than mere accountants, lawyers, teachers or other civic minded peoples.

If you have a question for Captain Billy, email me and I'll see if he might give us another visit for a bottle of good rum.

1) What do we do when one child shows a predisposition to be more of an Orlando Bloom type pirate than a Jack Sparrow?

Send him to Hollywood and keep him away from yer ship.

2) How do we explain the near unwatchableness of Pirates of the Carribean II and III to our brigadeers?

I can't remember watching either of those movies. But when I find two empty rum bottles in the morning, I usually can't remember much of the night before.

3) The crew nearly muntinied over last night's dinner of turkey burgers, boiled corn and raw carrots. Any tips on how to quell such an uprising?

Kids like to help prepare their own food. Next time, let the turkey go in the backyard and give each kid a dagger.

4) The economy is bad these days, there are precious few opportunities for looting and pillaging. What's an entreprenural pirate to do for extra pieces of eight?

The economy is bad? Not for a pirate. The profit margins on plundering are as high as ever. Besides, I invested in oil company stock five years ago. I got an insider tip from am oil company executive I was about to make walk the plank.

5) Can a pirate be an O's fan?

By "O" I assume you mean "octopus." I like 'em deep fried but not when giant ones be attacking me ship.

6) When the teacher complains about the fact that our son is signing all of his papers "X," she's dissatisfied with our explanation that we are committed to raising a future generation of pirates. Has there been any court cases which might support our chosen way of life where the parents weren't subsequently sent to jail and the home/compound bulldozed?

It sound like the teacher doesn't support cultural diversity. I'd report her to the school board for insensitivity to buccaneers. You might also try bribing her.

7) Do you know where we can get good financing on a Ship of the Line?

I use the "no money down" method in which I steal another ship when its crew is in port. I can handle those kind of payments.

Thanks for your time Captain Billy. Here's the rum I promised.

I do have to admit, telling kids it's time to swab the deck or I'll Kehawl yeh is much more satisfying emotionally than saying "For the fifth time,Clean your room!"

Proud to plug a fellow writer's published pieces and help out a good guy. For more fun try Humor-Blogs.com