Rabbit Questions

"God gives you means to be responsible. Some think that — excuse the language — that in order to be good Catholics, we have to be like rabbits. No. Responsible parenthood. This is clear and that is why in the Church there are marriage groups, there are experts in this matter, there are pastors, one can search; and I know so many ways that are licit and that have helped this."  --Pope Francis

Like Simcha Fisher, I don't tend to get worked up over the Pope's words off the cuff, I presume the Pope was trying to make a distinction; it didn't quite work as the Catholic internet exploded.  Rabbits, Rabbits,  Rabbits, Rabbits.   Most seemed to understand the Pope's comments to be about how we're not merely creatures, we're not merely breeders, we're supposed to be open to life, but the demand isn't for every family to be the same.  I thought I'd ignore the great lupine battle of our time, but it kept popping up in all the places I frequent.  

So I read the full text of the Pope's interview.

I paused when he talked about a woman expecting her eighth, and having had multiple c-sections "tempting" God.  My brain started churning on things, on questions I'd pose to Pope Francis, if I had the luxury of time to just talk with him about this sort of thing. 

Because these are the sorts of questions that don't come up in NFP classes or pretty much anywhere.  

People who follow the teaching of the church have limited licit options if they are married; abstinence, NFP, and other charting methods for monitoring fertility.  Even being open to life, those practicing NFP occasionally misread, misinterpret, or in the moment, ignore or forget when it is a fertile time in the cycle.  These misreads or missteps or errors in judgment about when it is a fertile or infertile time to engage in licit sex can lead to children. 

At that moment, the woman and man, if they follow the church, must accept the gift from God of the new person's existence.   It happens. It happens often.  It is part of why much of the world has rejected NFP, because they don't want to have to rely on their own wills to limit family size.  It's not fool proof, and love often makes us fools.   Having done NFP for now going on 18 years, I can say, it's 90% successful, but we still have ten kids from that 10%.  

It's not that we wanted to have a big family, we were simply welcoming when we received the gift of children, (sometimes more gracefully than other times), but they're all wonderful, they're all miracles.  They each teach us different lessons, and together, they keep driving us deeper into communion with God, and each other.  

If the family is the domestic church, then we simply have a bigger parish than most but each parish is designed to bring all of its members to Christ.  Were we tempting God by being open to life?  If we were, it was unintentional, in that neither my husband nor I thought, forget my health issues, let's have a van full of kids!  


Perhaps a better way of approaching this subject would have been to teach in the Marriage Preparation course and the Confirmation course about the discernment process itself.   Perhaps we should be reminded that as adult married Catholics that we're required to be fully integrated in our faith, to attempt to align our faith with reason and desire, and that it might require sacrifice.  Sometimes, even great sacrifice.   

But what is that sacrifice?  And how do we know if it is God's will?

The big question broke down into these smaller ones.

1)  Since all children are gifts from God, all souls are intended.  While that doesn't mean "breed like rabbits," it does mean, accept what you receive, cooperate with God's will (being open to life).  If we accept these two things as truth, isn't what your family size is as  result, theoretically whether you engaged in a rigorous cost/analysis of your family life or not, God's will?

2) How does one discern "tempting" versus "trusting?"  I say that not because I want to be a jerk.  Being open to life does not mean you must have children, only that you must be welcoming to children.  What circumstances or moral judgment makes the act of being willing to have children "tempting God?"   

3) The third question stems from some of the conversations spawned by discussion of the Pope's remarks.  Whenever the subject of big families come up, there are comments about the down side of having many children.  Stories of children in large families feeling neglected or of kids leaving the faith because the life of their parents seemed too hard, or tales of the children becoming estranged because they didn't get enough attention or discipline or love from Mom and Dad, make me worry.   

In fairness, I have diaries expressing these very fears dating back to 1997, when we were expecting our third.   One of the comforts or consolations I take in the process of parenting this large family, is the belief that God will make this possible even if I've mucked it up, because the only way it is possible, is with God.  I know I will muck it up but I also know, God's grace will make this possible despite me.  

Which brings me to my third question.  What would the Pope would have us do, if we have in the past "tested God" and thus failed, and therefore have more children than we would if we discerned, or what should be expected of those who for whatever reason, do not have discerning temperaments? 

One last thing, I love this pope and trust his deep love of this Church, of the whole flock he's been asked to shepherd.  I have no problem with him being the Pope, nor is my faith shaken.

 It doesn't mean I don't have questions.  

Poster Children for NFP*

(Originally Run on  7/26/09...in honor of NFP week).

Showing up for mass on time and worried that I didn't look at the schedule to see if three of the oldest kids need to serve, we huddled guiltily in the back of the church. Some of the ushers know that this is our habit, to send the oldest five upstairs to watch the mass and for my husband and me to wrestle with the "non sentient" crowd unobserved by the majority of the parishioners.

Occasionally we get a pushy mass attendant who will repeatedly try to insist that we take the two, three, five year old and 9 month old to sit at the front of the church. Usually, the two, three year or nine month old will dissuade said usher with a few well placed random happy screams.

At the back of the church there are folding chairs for the stragglers and for us, and a table where one can pick up handy literature on the needs of the food pantry, materials concerning pending legislation that will affect Catholic schools or the Church, teachings on Abortion, flyers for CYO and for retreats, and now, a giant poster covered with sunflowers advertising Natural Family Planning. Sitting with nine children in the back, it was hard not to giggle with the backdrop.

Still, upon reflection, I came to understand that we are NFP poster children. Only if the goal is to have no children, are we not. The fact that we have nine is more a tribute to my stellar book keeping skills and our great love, than the efficiency or effectiveness of NFP. If you succeed in keeping your family small using this method, it is because you have practiced the virtues of obedience and patience and sacrifice --all beautiful virtues which God loves. You have followed God's plan. If you sometimes ignore, forget, or willfully chose to ignore the times when one must abstain to avoid conception, you have abandoned yourself to life, to love, to a future of hope, and allowed yourself to be used in the great first gift of creation, also virtues that God loves. Either way, NFP places you firmly on the path to God.

And the bonus of all this, a man with his young daughter came by and walked in our midst to the table. He took up a flyer for the next session teaching NFP. Whether he did it out of desire for the massive number of sunflowers we had surrounding us or not, it didn't matter.

The usher came by right after that moment, and gave me a wink.

P.S. It wasn't our week to serve, or at least, it wasn't our week to have kids on the altar up front.

Summer Re-runs

Because it is summer and there are water gun fights to have, ice cream to eat, stupid movies to watch and marathon games of crazy eights, parchisi, poker and Wii Smash Brothers to play, I too, shall adopt the network philosophy of occasionally throwing in a rerun during prime time.

Why? Am I getting lazy?
Well, yes. It’s summer.

So I’ll start with a goodie just to make it up to you. Here’s the very biggest hit I ever go with a blog entry. Rerun. 50 Something Betters. Yeah, I did have to update it because we used to only have eight.

Everyone who has ever seen Steve Martin's Roxanne, has seen the riff where he gives the bar 50 something betters on how to insult his nose. In my own life, the equivalent of "Hey Big Nose!" is "You have HOW MANY?" and even better, "Why?"

50. We keep hoping for twins but so far that hasn't worked out.

49. We were trying to even up the team. (5 girls, 4 boys).

48. Meet my retirement plan, I'm staying with each of them for six weeks out of the year.

47. Catholic with a capital C.

46. Gilbreths: 12 kids, Nobel Prize winner of Economics, multiple geniuses, published authors, Von Traps: Seven, Broadway show and Musical Movie about story has made bazillions. Osmonds (6). Singing, Fame, Fortune and perfect teeth. Hughes: 6, youngest is a Olympic gold medalist, Kennedy's 9, President, would be President, Senator, etc.,

Antonetti's........Antonetti's.......pending.

45. I lost count after six.

44. We wanted to justify our SUV.

43. Creating my own voting block for when I run for President.

42. I now have plenty of excuses if my high school fantasy dream job goes unfulfilled(which it will and it should --Dancer from "Cats").

41. Wanted to win a trophy at my 25th year High School reunion for something!

40. Getting my money's worth out of the baby clothes and paraphernalia.

39. We never have left overs.

38. Q: Don't you know how this works? A: Well yeah!

37. Hoping for my own Reality TV show.

36. With such good looking intelligent offspring, it seemed selfish to limit ourselves.

35. We enjoy causing pure terror on the faces of travelers in the terminals simply by walking up to the gate en masse. Sometimes, it isn't even our gate.

34. We don't have to share a pew...ever.

33. We can dress them up as reindeer for next year's Christmas card.

32. I can drown out anyone in an argument with pure sound.

31. Hospital now has named a parking place in my honor.

30. OBGYN bought a Florida condo because of me.

29. Defense in depth.

28. Can tell babysitter I have no sympathy for him or her if they have to change a diaper.

27. Creates instant conversation starter or stopper depending upon venue.

26. Email using just initials of children eliminates all spam.

25. We have a bike, shoe, glove, coat to fit every age and gender and occasion.

24. As a friend said, she used to be impressed with me but after the Duggars, not so much.

23. Can mess with people's heads by adding additional baby pictures of brother's and brother in law's children in office without telling anyone.

22. When I call for volunteers, no one else can say..."I'm too busy."

21. No one asks me to co-op babysit. No one tries to take advantage of my being a SAHM for free babysitting either. (It used to happen).

20. Always get the HOV lane.

19. Exiting Car is an event.

18. When we dress the same, (all ND jerseys, all 4th of July) it's an instant parade.

17. Easy to cook for a Church Dinner or Event, used to feeding a crowd.

16. Insta-clod spotter, the person who asks, "So...you gonna have any more?" or any variant thereof.

15. Size of family makes people underestimate our brains.

14. No fights over names of children, we got all our favorites in there.

13. You ONLY Have HOW MANY?

12. Statistically, one of these guys should strike it rich.

11. Gene pool Standard deviation has been skewed in our favor.

10. Fifth one at Catholic School is free. Right? Right?

9. Never have to worry about being corrupted by too much wealth or material things.

8. Can rationalize messy house based on sheer numbers. It was messy before we got to nine, but now I can justify it.

7. Shrunk in the wash, no problem, it will fit.....insert child's name here.

6. Eight months out of the year, we get birthday cake.

5. Easy to teach children how to count to ten.

4. Fun watching people try to test their long term memory listing all our children's names.

3. Can identify recessive genes easily.

2. Every time we go to the shoe store, we get a free pair.

1. Said we'd accept children lovingly from God. God took us seriously.


AND the real statement I always fall back on when asked about our family and its obvious large size, "It's no sacrifice to be surrounded by people that love us."