Political Theory According to ABBA

Before “Mama Mia,” admitting one jammed to ABBA was like announcing one was Republican at a party. You could do it, but had to accept the distinct possibility that doing so would render one friendless at least in public.

However, now even men can be seen singing along with “Waterloo” as they scurry about in their Prias or mini-vans. If the commercial success of the musical wherein the plot was grafted onto a greatest hits CD is any indicator, perhaps Obama should feel a bit worried. That, or he should have his theme song be “Take a Chance on Me.”

Recently, the O man has been taking it on the chin, but politics like basketball is a game of hot streaks followed by lulls in the action. We have just finished the first fifteen minutes. Only Edwards has fouled out. The score is virtually tied and the coaches have wisely called a time out for the purpose of letting their respective teams catch a breath. There has even been a bit of cheesy courtside entertainment in the form of Paris Hilton, who oddly enough, managed to grapple with the complex issue of energy needs and environmental impact with more nuance than anyone currently running.

It’s time for the Veep Candidates, the B-team if you will. For those still grieving the passing of George Carlin and Bernie Mac, hope for humor remains. We have the Republican and Democrat Conventions and those crazy Clintons. Reality Television hasn’t had it this good since Richard Hatch and the Susan "snake eats the rat" speech. Even the Olympics in all their actual and manufactured glory cannot compete with a true blood sport. Sure in training for the global games held every four years, you surrender your body and quite probably childhood, but in elections, you mortgage your soul and anyone else’s you find available.

So, whose up to being the Miss Congeniality in the beauty pageant? Ready to be Salutatorian, all of the long hours of work and dateless weekends with no one applauding your wisdom in a moving but unmemorable speech at the end? Being a Vice President has to be the most over rated job on the planet. “Hello, I’d like you to uproot your family, allow the world to scrutinize every email you ever wrote, vet your every action and inaction, association, quip, quote and thought uttered in your lifetime for the purposes of being essentially the silver medalist who only won the medal by losing the gold. You’ve got job security if we win for the next four years unless I die.”

“Sounds great, sign me up!”

Traditional wisdom in politics would argue that one should pick what one lacks –i.e Barrack needs a Democratic version of Dick Cheney “Gravitas” or a person from an electoral state that’s in play, Virginia or Ohio. For McCain, he needs someone who looks like he could whisper in the candidate’s ear, “You might want to say that hearing aid is really an IPod or a hands free cell phone, and pick a song more recent than “Dancing Queen” as one of your favorites even if it’s current because of the movie with Meryl Streep.”

Because, as everyone knows, “The Winner takes it All.”





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Obama and Hillary's Secret Meeting

I imagine it went something like the Grand Slam Finals of Poker.

Diane Fienstein acted as color commentator on the two finalists, in this H20 Smackdown for the final round.

Diane: Here’s the Flop…and Hillary has Pennsylvania, New York, and a possible flush with Michigan and Florida. She’ll have to wait for the River to see if she can pick that up. Obama’s hand includes Iowa, Illinois, California and those wild card Superdelegates. Both will sit on their hands for the next few cards.
And the DNC rules committee makes it’s move, and it’s Obama’s, now comes the serious bargaining, the bidding for the final card down.

Opening bids are usually nicer than subsequent attempts to control the pot. Let’s watch.”

Obama: I’ve got the superdelegates.

Hillary: I’ve got the popular vote.

Obama: I’ve got the press.

Hillary: I’ve got the experience.

Diane: “Round One, Obama. Now they up the ante.”

Hillary: I have a video tape of a speech by Michelle. It’s a Youtube Viral for sure.

Obama: I have footage of Bill with Hollywood star, Gina Gearson. Do you want to gamble whether or not Bill is up to his old tricks?

Hillary: …. …. ….You have friends like Wright, Pfleger, Ayers and Rezko. Maybe there are more?

Obama: You’ve loaned your campaign 11 million dollars….where’d it come from?

Hillary: You need me and my 17,493,836 voters. Only 41,622 votes separate us in reality, less than one of those towns in Pennsylvania you dissed in San Francisco.

Obama: Two words will make most of those Democrats vote for me anyway. “President McCain.” Anyway, I got there first, you need me more than I need you.

Hillary: The Superdelegates haven’t voted yet.

Obama: The media has, and you still have Bill.

Diane: “Round two…this time is a bit trickier. Obama may have won the hand but Hillary still has cards to play, or she may be bluffing. The next round concerns who shall be Veep and I’m joined here by former Clinton staffer George Stephanopolous for a bit of a discussion about Hillary as Veep. Is she 2008’s Perot? Dan Quayle? Or does she give Cheney type gravitas to Obama’s soaring rhetoric?”

George: Well before we get to that question, there’s breaking news…Edwards has said he would say “No” to being Obama’s veep. Edwards has also said “No” to being the lead singer in Metallica and hosting next year’s Oscars. I should mention in the interest of full disclosure, Edwards’ cell, home and office phone have no indications of any calls in the past three weeks from the Academy, the Heavy Metal Band or an upper level management surrogate of the DNC or Obama’s campaign. His inbox in his email, text messages, blackberry and personal PC are also devoid of such offerings. They’re still checking the fax machine and mail box though, just in case.

Diane: Well, who else can we rule out as a matter of course for potential Veep? Any inside information as a former insider with the Clintons?

George: Well, there’s a Definite No list, that includes people like Carter, Dukakis, Kerry, Rush Limbaugh and Lieberman. There’s a probably not list; Martin Sheen, Alec Baldwin and Gina Davis have all been notified by their respective agents to go ahead and look for other work.

Diane: Harrison Ford?
George: Depends on the Crystal Skull Gross take.

Diane: And the probables?
George: Hillary is like the New York Yankees to the Red Sox before 2004. She has to be a factor. I mean, she’s gone from being a strong candidate with strong negatives to someone people have grown used to seeing on television, used to seeing speak on a daily basis. That’s a plus that’s hard to pass up. And then there’s the angry women factor which Obama would be wise to quell before it gets a chance to get to full steam.

Diane: What about tapping the governor of Virginia, or Ohio to get those traditionally red but shifting blue states to go Democrat?

George: It’s going to be tough. We’ve had staffers at CNN playing the board game “Mr. President” from circa 1974 non-stop for the past 24 hours and the break is really dependent upon everything. We’ve run models which include massive sweeps both ways, which break just short and break just over.

Diane: Speaking of over, the poker game is about to resume…

Hillary: We’ve decided something important.
Obama: Together.

Hillary: We’re going to keep going on…
Obama: having secret meetings.

Hillary: It keeps everyone from considering actual ideas or policies.
Obama: Or McCain.

Hillary: There will be another press conference tonight.
Obama: Thank you folks for coming!