Say Cheese!

Back when my second son was in Kindergarten, he felt determined to distinguish himself from his older brother. So it was that he perpetually was the Calvin of the family, building fantastic worlds and also occasionally delighting more than was pure in pure mischief. A note came home from school about individual portraits the following week and being a dutiful mom, I took him for a hair cut, picked up a new shirt at Target and filled out the forms for the E packet, 2 5x7 and a bunch of wallets.

Driving to school that morning, my son seemed more pensive than usual.

"Mom?" his small high voice asked with all the seriousness of a big question to come.

"Yes?"

"Today's school picture day."
"I know. I filled out the form..."

"Mom?"
"Yes?"

"Can I make a face?" It was a daring request. I mulled over the possibilities. This was a small deal. There would be other photos.

"Sure!" and I quick fired off an explanation note to the would be concerned parent volunteer/photographer and teacher. "It is okay if my son makes a silly face during his picture. I promise no matter how absurd it turns out, I'll buy it."

And he went into school happy.

When the photo came back, it was honestly the best shot the kid ever took. He smiled, he looked at the camera, he could have been the model kid used to convince others "Hey, I want a photo too."

Fast forward to present day. My son does not like hair cuts. One time he got a buzz because of an overzealous razor wielding Delilah and ever since, he fights anyone coming near his locks for as long as possible. It takes bribes. It takes demands. It takes dragging him out under extreme protests. I put it off as long as possible too as a result.

But the time had come.

I told him, you're getting a cut tonight while your brother is at Trombone lessons.
He protested all the way to the car and all the way there. Getting to the salon, I tried reason. "You can have input on what your hair will look like, or I can pick."

I thought I'd broken through when he sat next to me scanning the options. He picked a bright green Mohawk. But Mother is not an idiot. She remembered the face making request. He'd been dealt his hand, he was bluffing.

"Sure." and I signaled the woman who was standing waiting for his choice.

"No. No. No. No. No." He frantically scanned through the remaining photos and settled on arguably the most conservative cut in the whole book, and that includes the brides.

I kept offering to get the goo so he could have spikes. I told him I wore spikes back in high school. He couldn't get out of the store fast enough. I think he secretly feared the shears would follow him and start snipping more.

I know my decision could have resulted in a punk 4th grader, and his whole class or the Grandparents would have freaked at the sight but playing Texas Hold'em with my children over the years, I've learned that I'm the house.

And they should know, never bet against the house. House Rules. House wins.

Obama and Hillary's Secret Meeting

I imagine it went something like the Grand Slam Finals of Poker.

Diane Fienstein acted as color commentator on the two finalists, in this H20 Smackdown for the final round.

Diane: Here’s the Flop…and Hillary has Pennsylvania, New York, and a possible flush with Michigan and Florida. She’ll have to wait for the River to see if she can pick that up. Obama’s hand includes Iowa, Illinois, California and those wild card Superdelegates. Both will sit on their hands for the next few cards.
And the DNC rules committee makes it’s move, and it’s Obama’s, now comes the serious bargaining, the bidding for the final card down.

Opening bids are usually nicer than subsequent attempts to control the pot. Let’s watch.”

Obama: I’ve got the superdelegates.

Hillary: I’ve got the popular vote.

Obama: I’ve got the press.

Hillary: I’ve got the experience.

Diane: “Round One, Obama. Now they up the ante.”

Hillary: I have a video tape of a speech by Michelle. It’s a Youtube Viral for sure.

Obama: I have footage of Bill with Hollywood star, Gina Gearson. Do you want to gamble whether or not Bill is up to his old tricks?

Hillary: …. …. ….You have friends like Wright, Pfleger, Ayers and Rezko. Maybe there are more?

Obama: You’ve loaned your campaign 11 million dollars….where’d it come from?

Hillary: You need me and my 17,493,836 voters. Only 41,622 votes separate us in reality, less than one of those towns in Pennsylvania you dissed in San Francisco.

Obama: Two words will make most of those Democrats vote for me anyway. “President McCain.” Anyway, I got there first, you need me more than I need you.

Hillary: The Superdelegates haven’t voted yet.

Obama: The media has, and you still have Bill.

Diane: “Round two…this time is a bit trickier. Obama may have won the hand but Hillary still has cards to play, or she may be bluffing. The next round concerns who shall be Veep and I’m joined here by former Clinton staffer George Stephanopolous for a bit of a discussion about Hillary as Veep. Is she 2008’s Perot? Dan Quayle? Or does she give Cheney type gravitas to Obama’s soaring rhetoric?”

George: Well before we get to that question, there’s breaking news…Edwards has said he would say “No” to being Obama’s veep. Edwards has also said “No” to being the lead singer in Metallica and hosting next year’s Oscars. I should mention in the interest of full disclosure, Edwards’ cell, home and office phone have no indications of any calls in the past three weeks from the Academy, the Heavy Metal Band or an upper level management surrogate of the DNC or Obama’s campaign. His inbox in his email, text messages, blackberry and personal PC are also devoid of such offerings. They’re still checking the fax machine and mail box though, just in case.

Diane: Well, who else can we rule out as a matter of course for potential Veep? Any inside information as a former insider with the Clintons?

George: Well, there’s a Definite No list, that includes people like Carter, Dukakis, Kerry, Rush Limbaugh and Lieberman. There’s a probably not list; Martin Sheen, Alec Baldwin and Gina Davis have all been notified by their respective agents to go ahead and look for other work.

Diane: Harrison Ford?
George: Depends on the Crystal Skull Gross take.

Diane: And the probables?
George: Hillary is like the New York Yankees to the Red Sox before 2004. She has to be a factor. I mean, she’s gone from being a strong candidate with strong negatives to someone people have grown used to seeing on television, used to seeing speak on a daily basis. That’s a plus that’s hard to pass up. And then there’s the angry women factor which Obama would be wise to quell before it gets a chance to get to full steam.

Diane: What about tapping the governor of Virginia, or Ohio to get those traditionally red but shifting blue states to go Democrat?

George: It’s going to be tough. We’ve had staffers at CNN playing the board game “Mr. President” from circa 1974 non-stop for the past 24 hours and the break is really dependent upon everything. We’ve run models which include massive sweeps both ways, which break just short and break just over.

Diane: Speaking of over, the poker game is about to resume…

Hillary: We’ve decided something important.
Obama: Together.

Hillary: We’re going to keep going on…
Obama: having secret meetings.

Hillary: It keeps everyone from considering actual ideas or policies.
Obama: Or McCain.

Hillary: There will be another press conference tonight.
Obama: Thank you folks for coming!