Plugging a Fellow Writer/Serving Cold Dished Just Deserts

A friend of mine from the Erma Bombeck Conference wrote a book "Rebel without a Minivan" and has a regular column, Lost in Suburbia. She has been on the CBS morning show...but there's been problems.

The first time Tracy was scheduled to be interviewed, her bit was preempted by breaking news about Patrick Swayze's inflamed pancreas. All of us at her table begged her to write a piece called, "My book was bumped by Celebrity Dirty Dancing Star's Irritable Organ."

But, the producer promised to have her on again...or rather to book her again. The date for the event, September 11th.

http://www.cbsnews.com/video/ watch/?id=4439618n

Not only did they not plug her column or her book, they used her for a spot and indicated she had three kids. She has two. Thus, as a loyal friend, I offer this piece as a serving of revenge on the self serving agenda of that CBS morning show producer.

How to become famous in spite of Morning Television Shows...

1) Make sure no B-list or lower celebs are suffering from obscure medical disorders that desperate perpetually caffinated hostesses might consider to be breaking news. Fire off an email to avoid fatty foods in case any gall bladders out there are considering becoming irritable.

2) Be proactive. Figure out how to insert the phrase, Buy my book into every sentence you utter or wear a t-shirt with an ad for your book on it and pepper your interview with sneezes that sound curiously like "Available at Amazon.com." "Now in Paperback!" "My Book's Title" excuse me Katie or whatever the name of the host of the morning show of the moment is, "is Rebel without a Minivan" Then apologize. "Oh, Katie, I'm so sorry, I suffer from uncontrolable sneezing fits that sound curiously like plugs for my new book which I know you're anxious to tell the viewing public about."

3) Create controversy by igniting the pyrotechnical blogosphere. ...Obama and Palin have a secret love child, currently living in Hope, Arkansas with the Clintons! Make up a few bonus websites to collaborate your rumors. They'll pop up within minutes anyway.

4) Crowd the set. Move your chair over two feet to ensure your legs are more prominent than the hostess. Use your arms to practically hug the screen and if necessary, stand up on your chair a'la Tom Cruise. It's good TV and will be Youtubed for decades to come.

5) Give incomprehensible answers. "So, you're a mother of three..." "Well, I studied the migration patterns of trumpeter swans when I was seven so I felt it wouldn't be difficult to start my own business and needed cheap labor."

Tracy take care, peace and know that you have fans in cyberspace that didn't need the plug to know 1) you're a lovely person and 2) a very funny writer.. Sorry it wasn't what it could have been, should have been.

P.S. That third phantom kid might make for good comedic fodder too.

Here's my plug for you.
Tracy Beckerman
LOST IN SUBURBIA®
http://www.lostinsuburbia.net
http://www.rebelwithoutaminivan.com

P.S. I plug me too.Humor-Blogs.com!

Political Theory According to ABBA

Before “Mama Mia,” admitting one jammed to ABBA was like announcing one was Republican at a party. You could do it, but had to accept the distinct possibility that doing so would render one friendless at least in public.

However, now even men can be seen singing along with “Waterloo” as they scurry about in their Prias or mini-vans. If the commercial success of the musical wherein the plot was grafted onto a greatest hits CD is any indicator, perhaps Obama should feel a bit worried. That, or he should have his theme song be “Take a Chance on Me.”

Recently, the O man has been taking it on the chin, but politics like basketball is a game of hot streaks followed by lulls in the action. We have just finished the first fifteen minutes. Only Edwards has fouled out. The score is virtually tied and the coaches have wisely called a time out for the purpose of letting their respective teams catch a breath. There has even been a bit of cheesy courtside entertainment in the form of Paris Hilton, who oddly enough, managed to grapple with the complex issue of energy needs and environmental impact with more nuance than anyone currently running.

It’s time for the Veep Candidates, the B-team if you will. For those still grieving the passing of George Carlin and Bernie Mac, hope for humor remains. We have the Republican and Democrat Conventions and those crazy Clintons. Reality Television hasn’t had it this good since Richard Hatch and the Susan "snake eats the rat" speech. Even the Olympics in all their actual and manufactured glory cannot compete with a true blood sport. Sure in training for the global games held every four years, you surrender your body and quite probably childhood, but in elections, you mortgage your soul and anyone else’s you find available.

So, whose up to being the Miss Congeniality in the beauty pageant? Ready to be Salutatorian, all of the long hours of work and dateless weekends with no one applauding your wisdom in a moving but unmemorable speech at the end? Being a Vice President has to be the most over rated job on the planet. “Hello, I’d like you to uproot your family, allow the world to scrutinize every email you ever wrote, vet your every action and inaction, association, quip, quote and thought uttered in your lifetime for the purposes of being essentially the silver medalist who only won the medal by losing the gold. You’ve got job security if we win for the next four years unless I die.”

“Sounds great, sign me up!”

Traditional wisdom in politics would argue that one should pick what one lacks –i.e Barrack needs a Democratic version of Dick Cheney “Gravitas” or a person from an electoral state that’s in play, Virginia or Ohio. For McCain, he needs someone who looks like he could whisper in the candidate’s ear, “You might want to say that hearing aid is really an IPod or a hands free cell phone, and pick a song more recent than “Dancing Queen” as one of your favorites even if it’s current because of the movie with Meryl Streep.”

Because, as everyone knows, “The Winner takes it All.”





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