The Heart Cannot Break Enough

 Looking at photos from years past, 

When Summers included trips to the pool and library, 
When Falls had dances and track and plays and a thousand errands
and the stillness of not being able and not knowing when we will be
cracks the soul. 

Looking at memories, casually dashed off notes
lamenting the need to go here and there, of having
a fuller schedule than time would seem to allow
all we missed

Now, all the whos we are missing.  
The get togethers that we planned then
that reminded us we should get together more
now can't be

And waiting for when it will be allowed
Comes without an end in sight, only a hope

My sister and mom went to visit my aunt. 
She's dying and yet, in that hour of visiting, 
both my mom and my sister told me, my aunt lived all the minutes
like she's lived all her life.  

My cousin gave birth to a baby girl today. 
Proof that joy abounds even in times such as these. 
We have photos and memories and phones and computers. 
We don't have to stay isolated...

The photos remind us of those moments when we were like my aunt, 
when we lived more than the ordinary rules of time usually allow, 
when we stopped the errands to be present to each other.  

When we stopped for joy.  When we stopped because we love.  
Covid stinks and there's no denying this reality requires all of us to love enough to suffer, 
to love enough to not be there incarnationally with those  we love...
but we can always be present.   

We can always fill every moment with something better than merely time.  
We can live so that we are present, and the present becomes timeless.  
Our hearts cannot be broken enough to stop loving, 
Our lives cannot be broken enough to stop living, 

if we but will it.  

Hope is Always Necessary

People are tired of waiting for the other shoe to drop, and of presuming that whatever it is that will happen, will be bad. 

There's a solution to this fatigue, to this constant anxiety.   

Will to hope.   Faith is a gift but it also must be grown and chosen.  The more we choose, the more we will find.  The smallest of seeds in the soul will become a large tree in which other souls can rest.  

So too hope, the second cardinal virtue is a willed thing, something that we can enkindle in others by our witness.  

How do we hope when there is so much wrongness in the world...our politics, the pandemic, economics,  institutions that betray trust, scandals, when there is so much hurt said and unsaid?  How does one hope in the face of suffering?   

The same way we hold onto hope when we are not suffering.  If our hope was in these other things, it was misplaced.  Hope to acquire the grace God is always offering.  Hope to learn whatever it is we need to learn from weathering this time.  We may wish this time never came to us, but that is what all people of good will wish.

"However, that is not ours to decide. What matters is what we do with this time that we've been given."  --Gandalf to Frodo in Fellowship of the Ring. 

So if you want to defeat the evil of this age, ride out and meet it.   Will to hope.  

Some Thoughts on What We Should Do and How We Should Do it

What our kids need now, not matter who they are, is HEAPS, not STEM. I'm not advocating for getting rid of those cherished disciplines, only de-emphasizing them based on what is our reality today.

They need History, to know we can weather a crisis, even a pandemic, and how it was done, and see what was done poorly, and what well.

They need English, because stories that take us out of now, but show us how to deal with now, are important. I think of the Chesterton quote about it, and it's paraphrased in the movie Coraline: "Fairy tales are more than true: not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten."

They need the arts because creating beauty is a form of joy, and this world right now, is short on joy. The focus on creating, rather than the product is essential, because everything reduced to what can it buy, means only those praised for the quality, and not the effort, will continue. They all need to continue.

Philosophy becomes paramount, because we live in a society that doesn't know what a society should be anymore, it's only frustrated and hurt by what it isn't. The human heart longs for a community that supports it, and is just and merciful and reasonable and understandable and fair. We do not have that right now, because everything feels unmanagable and unbearable and unfixable. We have to think about and assert what we value and why and also, be able to defend that on a logos, pathos and ethos level. Thinking about such things, helps us imagine the better we long for.

Social/Emotional Well being I saved for last, but it must permeate all. We've used a STEM model longer than we've had STEM. We grade things. We measure. We assess. The utilitarian method of grading goes from Pre-K up to Post Graduate, and favors the organized, the neat, the sophisticated and the clear. Right now, I think few of us fit that description, and we need to be forming people who can adjust, can laugh, can circumvent, can create, can imagine, can cope. None of these come from a method of exactitude, but from an attitude of experimentation and exploration and a fusion of creativity into every arena of academic exploration.

We live in a time that is very different than what we grew up in, yet we are trying to hold the exact same standards and rubrics and consequences as before. It isn't working --which is why some are pushing for going back to the buildings so the way it was can work better, but we also aren't being allowed to do things differently.

I don't have the answers, I only see that how we are proceeding, is a bigger problem than whether kids are turning things in or turning on their cameras. I'd love to see what my fellow educators think, about if they could reimagine school, attempting to address the needs and the issues and the crisis we have now, what would they emphasize and how and why?

---So I wrote and posted this piece in an Educators Forum, and man, did people not like the idea of somehow not holding onto STEM as the thing to hold onto --when what I'm looking at, is the reality that the kids are not okay.  They need means to cope with the not okayness of life --and those aren't found in STEM.   It doesn't mean we don't teach STEM, but it's folly to keep going as if nothing is happening when so much is.  However, people didn't like the proposal of change because right now, change is harder than it normally is, and changing what we emphasize would indicate we're not going back to how things were any time soon.   I think that is one of the underlying worries. 

I get that we need future scientists and researchers in case the current crop doesn't solve the problem.  I'm not trying to solve every problem. I just see a problem we're thinking will be fixed by a few videos on mindfulness and sleep, diet and exercise and I think, we will need to do more to help people endure this.   

Ten Things To Do if Halloween is Forbidden

 My county has banned trick-or-treating owing to Covid-19.  My house has always loved tripping out the home for Halloween and we've decided that we have our own plans to make it fun despite the absence of a walk around the neighborhood.  My teens immediately thought of ways to enliven the world with non-defiant but resistant joy.   I share their ideas here. 

10) Know those T-Rex Costumes?  They're funny no matter what.  Two of mine are considering donning them and skateboarding/scootering and throwing out zip log bags of candy to each home.  They'd bag the candy wearing gloves and so it would be sealed for all points of delivery.   

It's the great T-Rex Charlie Brown!  

9) They've also suggested all of us dressing as the characters from the Peanuts, including Charlie Brown and delivering rocks.   

8) Zombie tag outside on Halloween --basically, if you're touched, you're part of it.  Those who are touched have to carry a light stick everyone can see.  Last one not touched is winner. No talking during the game except Zombies can say Brains and when you're touched, you must yell touched and remain there until the ref (and you need a ref) hands you a light stick.  (Consider it the transformation stage).   

7) Cake Wars Halloween Style --this requires some work --only do the mini mixes so you don't have 1000 cakes afterwards --the cake in a cup, the big issue is decor and altering the cake in a cup to follow the theme.   (Pick three themes in advance, and have the fondant, frosting, sprinkles and extras ready). Set a timer, use spooky music and one of the adults should mc it a'la Alton Brown in Iron Chef.  Judge with three --taste, theme and presentation. 

6) Make old fashioned treats like stainglassed windows, popcorn balls and homemade candies.   It will take time, it will be fun, it will be a mess, but again, it will be fun. 

5) Pumpkin wars --yes, give everyone their own pumpkin and let them create a masterpiece. Give them a theme, let them do.   Paint is a good idea, as are sharpie markers.  

4) Live Still display.    This takes work and a desire to scare, but if everyone's on board, dress everyone up so they look like a display.  Set up with lighting on a night before Halloween, complete with music.  Every once in a while, move when a car drives by.   (Works great for teens and tweens).   

3) Classic Monster Movie Binge Night --Frankenstein, Dracula and Werewolf.   Serve popcorn and icecream floats.    Or alternatively, The Twilight Zone or Alfred Hitchcock.   

2) Decorate the house with as much Halloween as you can...and put on an old fashioned carnival for your kiddos --with costumes, grab bags, bobbing for apples, clothespin drops, ring toss to win a soda, and spinny art, press on nails, tatoos and face paint.   Make sure each activity comes with the equivalent of a chucky-cheese type tickets or tokens.   Have them trade in the tokens for various candies and plastic goodies that are fun.  

1) Zoom with your relatives.  Ask them to dress up.  Read scary stories.   Order Pizza.   Wish them Happy Halloween and don't be surprised if your teens skateboard down the driveway wearing dinosaur costumes.   

My News!

My blog has been here since 2007.  I've tried relocating to Wordpress back when all the cool kids did it, but I couldn't figure out how to export it, so it stayed here.  I longed for someone to see my blog and think, "Hey, she's funny.  We should get her." That didn't happen...

Now, I am being considered as a draft pick for two places --not enough to start a bidding war mind you, but it's flattering to be called upon.  Sort of like being picked in Red Rover...when you're a kid, or finding your name on the list after tryouts.   

The Catholic Conspiracy has asked me to join them. I've been a fan of many of their writers for years. 

 So I found myself surprised and pleased to discover,..the perenial b-teamer, bench warmer has been picked.   

I know in recent years B-teams fell out of favor and out of fashion.  I still have the yellow ribbon from placing fifth (there were seven runners but two quit) and the itty-bitty sports patch from my long and storied history on the sports equivalent of the island of misfit toys from those halcyon days.  I also have the psychological scars that came with it, where my first thougth on being picked is...you must have run out of everybody else. 

    I think of this scene and think, "I'm the magazine."  

Except it's not true. The Blogosphere has fallen out of favor, but those who persist, both love it and are willing to work at improving for the sheer joy of improving --it is the halmark of the hopeful b-teamer, to always seek to try, and to ignore the experts and those who trend, because your heart is there and the rest of you, will grow into it if you just keep at it.   B-teamers persist despite reality. 

 It's one of our most endearing traits...keeps us from becoming tragic. 

The move is being prepped, but I'm not sure yet when it will take place. 
Can't wait for my team jacket.     

In the meantime, I'm feel like dancing.   

Thinking of going as Donna for Halloween even if there is no trick-or-treating.  Why?  Because we'll need the silliness of it all if there isn't.  

 
 

On Fratelli Tutti (Brothers All)

 If you've not read Pope Francis' most recent encyclical, Fratelli Tutti, please give yourself an evening or two to go over it.  I beg you to read it for yourself and look for what it says, what speaks to the heart because there is much there.   

I also suggest avoiding the commentary.  Those who dislike Pope Francis and question his authority in this time, shred Pope Francis because it makes them appear detatched, cerebral, and clever.  
With the rise of instant access, people have become conditioned to distrust any piece written by anyone of authority if someone they like or approve of, questions or criticizes it. There are many in Catholic circles who distrust this pope, I am not one of them. I have news for people who engage in ritualistic constant harping on the Holy Father and armchair quarterback his every utterance, much less writing so as to indicate that they are smarter than the pope and take issue.

You are not being Catholic. 

You think you are acting like Saint Catherine of Sienna, but you're not.  This pope has done nothing close to what led the Doctor of the Church to counsel Pope Gregory XI to return to Rome, and those dissenting have not garnered a world wide reputation for their deep asceticism.   They're not reluctant but glowering in their critique of this pope for his words and deeds because they don't like the style of this pope, and think they know how to evangelize better. In some cases, they might.  But these blogs and videos and crititiques are not evanglizing, they're not inviting people to dive deeper into love with Christ or his church.   They are sowing division, pushing people away from the Pope, away from other Catholics, and declaring everyday excommunications.  That's not Catholic. 

Catholic is universal. Catholic calls us to the table, to the Eucharist, to be part of one Body of Christ, and to be about the business of healing all the places where there are holes that flesh should be. 

 I would direct anyone to read the very strong piece by Mike Lewis, The Inanity of CTRL-F Criticism.   It's my opinion, that in this time of seemingly infinite crisis, everyone is hanging on by a shred, and for some of those hanging by the shred, shredding others feels like something better than the nothing of every day we've endured since March 13th.   

We are not called to shred or deconstruct or destroy. 
We aren't called to be clever. We're called to be faithful.  We're not called to fisk everyone else, we're to fisk ourselves for all the ways in which we've failed to rend our hearts and help heal the wounds of the world by our words, actions and prayers. 

The Holy Father is reminding us, that in all things, we are brothers all first, united in Christ.  Having read his work, I think the Holy Father is trying to speak to a world that thinks it knows Christ and the mission of His church, but only has the poor represenation and current reputation put forth by professed followers.   

Being Both And in the Time of Covid-19 in 2020

Seven months of Covid-19 Quarantine have left us tired, emotionally worn and testy.  As a society, I've observed online and in various communities, our primary and first response to everything is filtered through the idea of "this is the next trauma." 

I noticed this when my kids' uniforms didn't arrive and I sent a note back asking about it.  The company said they mailed it back in August and I felt defeated.  I started to react, to get angry, to feel like the world didn't care and nothing would change. I would just be stuck and out the money, minus the uniforms for my trouble.  It wasn't the case at all, but it was where my mind immediately ran. 

Online, a woman asked in the neighborhood about a noise she heard, immediately assuming the worst.  Her response to things reflected mine.   We tend to hear loud noises and think guns, not firecracker. We hear sirens and we think violence, not help.  We hear someone cough and we think Covid, not cold. The loose dog must bite.  The stranger must be dangerous.  The response someone gives, if not alligned with mine, must be opposed.  We'd become strange and conditioned to react rather than reflect.     

I'd even seen it in my writing.I'd become more hesitant to write, to tell stories, or to really examine things.  Humor became harder, because I wasn't willing to take risks or make associations.  The long cloistering of life made and makes us more insular by nature, and less disposed to expose ourselves in the virtual and actual world, as everything not controlled feels threatening.   

How do we fight this tendency?  How do we create a community, a society that is compassionate when we view everyone and everywhere as a potential threat?   We can't if we only react to everything as dangerous. We can't if we deny the reality of what we're fighting.    There is a danger. 

To fight this reality of a pandemic and  the secondary danger of isolationism on a personal and public level, we're going to have to be both and in all things.  We're going to have to go out. We're also going to have to wear masks and exercise caution and practice strict hygiene.  We're going to have to engage others.  We're also going to have to be careful where and when we go out. to protect others and ourselves. 

  The world is hard right now.   

Make it softer. 

 The world is confusing right now. 

Be a voice of clarity. 

 The world is hurting right now. 

Be a source of healing. 

 The world is raging right now.

Be a source of calm. 
 
It will involve taking risks.  Speaking up when others shout you down, reflecting rather than responding.  It means being Both And.  We'll get through this together, by living a life of contradictions, where we keep ourselves at safe distances, but work via words and letters and phone calls and deeds, to stay more connected than ever.  

We're going to need to cultivate joy and friendships and beauty in the everyday, deliberately.   To that end, we're doing a touch of Halloween daily until we get to Halloween to help with the lifting of other spirits and our own.   It's a form of hope and defiance all at once.  It's both and.  

Small Success Thursday

 We need to count our blessings more than usual this year and so while yesterday, I spent some time insulting the year, today, I will remember how grateful I am for the unexpected gifts of 2020.  

In this time of quarantine, my youngest son turned twelve, and in this past six months he learned to ride a bicycle without assistance, to wash dishes, make his bed, take a shower or bath without help, became fully potty trained, can cream his mother in video games, operate the xbox --which I can't, and help out with yard work.  He can make himself breakfast --either cereal or out of a toaster, safely.  He can pour himself juice.  He learned to use a butter knife to spread and make a sandwich, and to cut his own food.   These are all life skills he'll need for the rest of his life, lifeskills he might not have mastered but for the urging of his siblings to have him learn what they know.   

These are stollen moments from ordinary time.  

My husband got to be home for all of his childrens' birthdays this year so far, (our youngest had her birthday on a Sunday so), which has never happened before, because work is downtown.   We've taken walks and said the rosary.  We've danced more. We've sung more. We've baked bread and played cards and it's been like six months of whole time, and that is a gift too.   

This week, I started walking again, with my children, different ones each day, but that too is a gift.  

When I left for college, I remember my not yet eight year old sister running after the car down the street until she got to the corner where we turned away.  My nine year old has been able to enjoy the relationships with her older siblings that wouldn't be here if life were normal.  

None of this means I'm glad that Covid-19 is, or that I want it to last, but I will count the blessings of the day because that is how we are meant to survive crisis and difficulties and sufferings.  We are to look to why we are grateful, when things are hardest, to look for reasons to give praise.  It is the only way to stave off the temptation, the indulgence of becoming discouraged.   

Lastly, my son and I saw a huge rainbow.  We took it as a sign the disease will leave soon, as a reminder that God loves us with His whole heart, and wants all of us home.   

Happy Small Success Thursday!