If You Want to Know How You're Doing with Your Kids, Get a Pet

A month ago, we acquired turtles (plural).  I have since learned what type of parents my children will be once they have children.  Maybe I've mellowed in my fifties, maybe they've eroded my will to worry sufficiently that I don't sweat it, or maybe I was always a slacker mom.  Whatever the case, I've raised adults who will be hyper vigilant about their prodigy if caring for reptiles is any indication. 

As one explained to me after doing extensive research watching Youtube turtle care videos, we can't have just a posse of them in one tank. They're solitary creatures, and thus, we have two so that the biggest one can be alone in his bigness.  I pointed out that my own offspring don't have solitary space and they're much bigger and more complex, but this didn't sway any of the new experts fresh from their crowdsourcing the internet. 

They make the turtles eat. They watch over what they eat. They foist more veggies on them than I ever did and they keep notes.  There is a record of what has been fed to which at what time by whom.  As I wrote this, I became aware my eleven year old had mastered the art of making his own sandwich from Oscar Meyer Beef Bologna, whole wheat bread and a thick squirt of ketchup.  I declared that since he made it and he seemed pleased, he should be allowed to eat it without comment.  He did.   They're thinking, "Ewwww." I'm thinking, "independence...good." 

There is exercise and turtle field trips. The terapins sojourn to the back yard for sun and to the pond for a fresh water dip to meet the neighbors, the frogs and the gold fish that have yet to be eaten by Mr. Fox that capers through our yard and does nothing to fend off the endless parade of rabbits or deer that mauraud our garden. The turtles like the pond but it's my opinion they view these excursions as opportunities to escape petivity entirely, but have thus far not been successful. 

While we haven't yet witnessed anyone reading Harry Potter to their pets or playing Motzart to make them smarter or insisting they wear helmets when they plunge head first from the bridge into the water, I feel it's only a matter of time.  My children maintain a strict bed time for when the blanket goes over the tank.  They regulate a  strict water temperature and a regular schedule for tank cleaning and clearing. They rearrange the rocks and have lengthly discussions about the best terranium arrangement for both turtle health and enjoyment.  As one child discussed the diet of shrimp and dandelion leaves with another who argued for blueberries and cucumber, while another questioned whether they were receiving sufficient UVA rays from the light bulb purchased for said purpose, pointed out the turtle food is created for feeding pet turtles, and that turtles survive in the wild without gourmet food or special perfectly maintained water or light. 

They shook their heads at me for not getting it, I had to wonder if one day when I'm a grandmother, if I'm going to be the one that corrups their kid's tastebuds with McDonalds, Cheetos, 7-7up, comics and poptarts while binge watching Animaniacs.   I took the temporary hair dye brush and picked out pink and tossed a few turtle pellets in the tank and added a twelve pack of soda and poptarts to the online grocery order.  If I'm going to one day be the rebel in their lives, I better start to look the part and start stocking up.