Normally Happy

I am generally predisposed to be positive, and as a friend says, I have natural prozac in my veins.

Right now, while I'm healthy, I do not think I am not doing well.  I'm angry. I'm scared. I'm easily annoyed and even more easily moved to tears. My heart is on my sleeve and fearful it's going to be broken.  It is breaking every day.  The news terrifies, and the visits to the store (sort of necessary for the things of ordinary life) leaves me frustrated and fearful, because every time one of us goes out, the clock of contagion restarts.  Can we make it the 14 days...more? Fourteen after that? What about after that? 

Vacillating between wanting everyone to hunker down, and wanting somehow to go out, I'm still here.  I also want people to live. So we stay, and take walks, long walks.   It is on the walks, that somewhere we articulate the real feeling everyone has, "I am not okay."  Not because of sickness or anything, but because this time, this place, this everything, is not okay.   There isn't a spin, there's a we're going to get through this, one day at a time, one moment at a time.  However, the not okayness is a constant because one needs a floor for okayness, and we haven't yet seen the bottom.  We are all still falling. There's not a stopping point to it, and that's what makes me anxious.

I'm going to have to be okay with this not okayness, and that means at least admitting somewhere, this is hard hard hard hard hard hard hard hard hard hard hard hard hard hard hard. 

Sure, we are making bread.  We;re watching the mass.  I'm reading. I'm writing.  I'm praying. My family is here, and we are together.  All blessings abound. It's all true.  It's also true, we live knowing, we are not done falling, and that's scary.   That's what scares me.

Also, I miss people. I miss doing. I miss the ordinary of only two weeks ago.   Part of it is grieving what isn't.  Part of it is letting go of wanting the switch to flip and normal to return.   Part of it is a pity party I'm sure, and part of it is fear.  It's a bad cocktail of wants that can't be answered. 
The difference between surviving and thriving in this, will be persistence and leaning on each other spiritually, and deliberately choosing to count blessings rather than fears. 

Pray for me and mine, hunker down, stay safe, stay kind, stay clean, stay hopeful.  Know I'm praying for all of you and yours. Pray for me too.