Monday, February 20, 2017

The Real UnFake Super Serious Threat to the US that is US

So this weekend, the President made writing humor easy when he mentioned the uptick in crime to Sweden, and pundits and newspapers and countries pounced on his mischaracterization of the increase as a form of terrorism.

However, researchers here at Chocolate for Your Brain dug beneath the easy headlines to discover a true national security threat: a threat we've refused to acknowledge despite the danger, a threat we have in our homes, a threat we wear, we drive, we eat, and which is as insidious as an earworm from Momma Mia.

That's right.  we're talking about imports from Sweden.
Now the ambassador has offered to brief the President on how things stand in Sweden, but honestly, what else is the ambassador from Sweden going to say?  They won't acknowledge the danger their export culture brings to our shores, so Chocolate For Your Brain will.  (Being patriotic and all that).

For those who don't know how much hails from that land of Bjorn Borg, we present to you, the top ten threats which must be stopped before further infesting American culture. I also never knew about a site called Highsnobiety, which gets points for the name alone. 

10) H&M clothing.  Designed for people who cannot float because they ski cross country to work, and have less than .002% body fat.  Even the mannequins are sucking in to look good.  For the sake of not shaming all of us Americans who now have the luxury of three different types of Big Macs to choose from on the dollar menu, this particular shop and all its ilk must be stopped at the border. 

9) Swedish Meatballs.  I know, it's in Babylon 5 and the nerd in me wants to give it a pass for that reason alone, but really, I'll put it this way.  Even the Country Buffet which has everything (my daughter's favorite restaurant), doesn't have this on the menu.  So if you're hosting any Narns, you'll have to make your own.  However, again, in the interest of keeping Earth Narn free, it would be best to nix any bringing of this dish onto Yankee soil. 

8) Stockholm Syndrome.  Why?  Because there is no vaccine and so before we catch it maybe we can get the current administration to ban it. He might if we told him, there's no vaccine, or maybe if we told him there was one.

7) ABBA Covers.  There is only one ABBA, and all others are just profiteering. 
Cue music! 

6) IKEA.  I know bringing this up is like shooting Swedish fish in a barrel, because everyone's got an Ikea story.  Nothing ever looks like it does in the store, and no one can ever build them properly.  I suspect there is always a missing instruction which would be available if anyone read Swedish or Norwegian or Danish (which are reportedly similar according to  For the sake of our already overtasked, overwhelmed brains, we need less hassle, ergo, this has got to go.

5) This guy may already be in trouble (baring continued intervention by the courts), since the Muppet revamp didn't take and there doesn't seem to be a high demand for his type of cuisine, not even by visiting Narns. 
Stereotyping is bad, so he should be Robert Borked Borked Borked Borked.

4) Besides, I suspect he is the original creator of these.  They are my daughter's favorite candy.  Somehow, I find this disturbing. They look like they should not be edible.

3) If anyone based on class and national origin should be banned, it's this guy.  He comes armed.  He comes with full intent to pillage, and he hasn't been funny in years.  Also, as a preventative measure, it's vital he be sent back to his native land, lest the mentally bankrupt genius types in Hollywood decide we need a CGI generated version of Hagar and the Lost Tribe for our summertime entertainment.   So for the safety of our people and the good of humanity in general, let's say "Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, Hey...Hej da."
2) Volvos and SAABS.  Why?  First, they're Swedish and the whole issue is to isolate the threat brought by particular countries correct?  That's the plan, so why not?   Second, Volvos and Saabs do not follow the American Car product model of planned obsolescence. They last.  That's...UnAmerican, not getting a new car every three to six years.  Think of the jobs in finance, in retail, in sales, in repairs, which go unfilled because the Swedes have the audacity to create machines which don't break down.   Besides, I'm running out of ideas that aren't universal enough to exploit for humor's sake.

1) Actors with names involving more than six vowels or who have an umlaut or krouzek. We have enough trouble with just how many consonants these Swedes employ.    Americans struggle with the schwa.  We don't cope well with things that make our English look less processed than our cheese.  This shouldn't be too much of a problem since Hollywood is threatening a strike.   We'd name them but we can't because we don't know how to spell names with an umlaut or a krouzek and we wouldn't want to give them publicity anyway.

*As a final editor's note, sure, you could find alternative sources of information which say none of these things should be banned, but that would require research, critical thinking and above all, judgment.  We're making it easy and digestible for you here.   Why?  Because we love you and we're patriots.
All that other stuff that says nothing is rotten in Sweden, that's all just fake news.  You shouldn't listen to it really.  

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