Thursday, June 11, 2015

Darn it all, I want Applause.

It is craven, self serving and proof sin (in this case the desire to be admired) makes you stupid, but there should be some sort of annual Mommy Awards.

Mommy Awards aren't for "best mom," because that spot's already taken by my own mother.   The Mommies are for doing what no one else will do, the unreasonable, the impossible, and the obnoxious.  We as moms, do not get the praise we deserve.  One day out of three hundred and sixty-five does not cut it.  Besides, that day we get flowers and breakfast in bed for BEING, not for what we've done.

These are MERIT based trophies, designed to call attention to the winner, for having the fortitude to endure the call of motherhood.   As with any award ceremony, there are many categories in which one might be nominated.

Sleep is for Losers Mommy Award:  As self explanatory as the name might seem, there's more to it than not getting the prescribed eight hours rest most adults need to function safely the other sixteen.   New Moms go sans sleep as a matter of initiation.  No.  Sleep is for Losers is given to the Mom who after doing the dishes after ten o'clock and crawling into bed by eleven, wakes fully when someone cries out at 2 a.m. because they've wet the bed, goes up the stairs, strips the bed, finds new sheets, cleans child, redresses and comforts child and then goes back down to bed.  Additional wake ups come at four by the teen who raided the refrigerator and left the lights on, five because another teen wants to take up early morning running and set an alarm she didn't wake up for, and again at 5:45 by the six year old who's hungry and wants breakfast.   Nominees must detail their schedule for a period of five days.  Voting will be done under the heavy influence of coffee and diet coke.  Award includes five minutes with a baseball bat and an alarm clock.

Schedule Goddess Award:  There are some moms out there who sign up for sports camp, back to school night and the Christmas pageant months in advance.  We think they might be robots or aliens or alien robots.   Schedule Goddess books everything at once and somehow gets all the kids assigned for whatever it is at the same place and at the same time even though they're at four different levels.   Schedule Goddess also books everyone's dentist for the same day.  A photo copy of one's calendar is required for nomination, to make sure you haven't booked things months in advance, proving yourself to be either a robot, or an alien, or an alien robot.   Your schedule will be put on a Pin-it under the heading Organized....immortalizing your moment of perfection.

On Time Award:  Mass, movies, hair cuts, they all have time slots.  But most moms view those times when things start as more like guidelines than actual rules.  I know the receptionist at my pediatrician nearly fainted when I showed up within five minutes of the actual scheduled appointment.   Nominees will be given a test (timed of course). Each contestant will be given a mini-van loaded with three children (without snacks) and a half gallon of gas. They must get from their homes to the dentist, the gas station and soccer practice within the hour. Closest to actual time for the two time stamped errands (while still keeping track of all three children) wins a NASCAR driver for the following week to do the trip instead.

ESP Award: This one seems like it's own reward but there should be public recognition of Moms out there who while going about the ordinary business of checking homework, paying the bills, managing their work emails, stop and register (a'la Madeline's Miss Clarvel) "Something is not right."

The number of trips to the emergency room averted by this seldom acknowledged matronly superpower cannot be overestimated.  Examples will be rated on a scale of 1-10 for level of severity, with bonus points added for property damage averted (say flooding the basement while filling water balloons) which would not be covered by insurance.  Reward: Whatever wasn't covered by insurance, gets covered.

And finally, the award everyone's been waiting for, The Mother Lode:  Submit your to-do list from the past month.  Whoever did the most wins! Winner will receive a trophy, and a day at the pool when it's closed to all but other nominees, and all food will be brought to you.   You cans spend it floating in absolute leisure, just be sure if you're also a nominee from the Sleep is For Losers category, you wear a life jacket while hanging out in the pool.

The reason for this post?   I scheduled ten physicals, ten dental appointments, two driving tests, 1 SAT Subject matter test and swimming lessons for five of them.   As I said, craven and self serving but darn it all, I wanted to mention it to someone.

Next Up:  Nominations for DAD Trophies are now open.


Barb Szyszkiewicz said...

Go you!!!!

Anonymous said...

How about an award for the most spectacular mess successfully cleaned, preferably after having retired for the night? I think I'd win if I detailed a recent puking fit, but I won't out of respect of your readers and their stomachs.

Leaving a comment is a form of free tipping. But this lets me purchase diet coke and chocolate.

If you sneak my work, No Chocolate for You!