Monday, July 7, 2014

Awards We All Win That Nobody Gives

As a bench warming member of an actual b-team from the days when b-teams were peppered with those not blessed with athletic genes, my kids have it easy.  They get awards in team sports for showing up, for eating snack, for coming to practice and kicking the ball, even if it goes into the goal of the other team. 

If such praise had been piled upon me in my youth, I might have drowned from the sheer volume of pseudo marble and brass trophies, medals and ribbons garnered for futile attempts to be proficient at any sport.   Indeed, as a teen, I lobbied the powers that be to grant some acknowledgement to the perpetually physically hopeless athletically wrong headed who still pursued sports, so as to obtain a school letter from my elementary alma mater; something I never ever wore once earned.  

It taught me that getting the acknowledgment from the world, isn't all that I dreamed it would be.

But reaching adulthood, I find, we could all do with a few more bells and whistles for our accomplishments, awards we don't receive but which surely merit praise more than anything we ever did as youths riding the bench.

Thus I present the AWAWTNG AWARDS.  (Pronounced in, we're still waiting to get them). Please read the requirements for being considered a candidate for these honorific acknowledgements and submit your candidacy for consideration.  The committee will get back to you soon. 

Not actual trophy to be awarded but close enough!

Award of Dubious to be Recognized but Unmistakable Merit #1:  The Dr. What, When, Where, How and Why Award.

We've all been there.  It's after dinner and dishes, the day is winding down and you make the grave error of walking through the house.  As such, you spy the shoes, the purse, the cell phone, the book, the kindle, the socks, the crucial thing that if you don't pick up right now, you will immediately forget what it was and where it was.  But because you're you and you're the responsible one, you force yourself to 1) pick said item up and 2) transport it to a central location where it will be immediately claimed but with no questioning as to how said object got to be so convenient.  The only one who knows the disaster that has been averted, is you.  You're like a time lord who stopped a great calamity by moving the Earth a fraction of an inch.  Time goes one for everyone else, but you know, you saved the world.  

Certificate of Absolute Distinction Never Quite Noticed #2  :That is Not a Great Song Award

On the opposite end of the time spectrum is the morning.  No one gets up to alarms. No one hears them.  They all go off.  You, selfless human being that you are, get up and turn those clamoring bells off and yes, you even wake those slumbering beings who need to rise without resorting to physical violence when they are the ones who opted to set up said alarm clocks to get up before sunrise for a new running regimen they don't follow.   As an added feature, the paper received can be wadded up and stuffed into one's ears to possibly avoid winning the certificate several days in a row.   There is a bonus for not using a hammer, potted plant, the complete works of Shakespeare or a mini-Louisville Slugger baseball bat that may be close at hand to turn off said alarm.

Babe...I've Got You Babe...

Highly Coveted Ribbon for Bravery No One Notices: Haircare Awareness

Every parent has a dreaded chore they wind up doing for a child who despises them for doing it.  For me, it is my 3 year old daughter, who does not believe her hair can be cut without causing her to lose physical, emotional and psychological strength.  It takes three days of preparation plus a well executed ambush to get the job done.  At which point I need to recover my physical, emotional and psychological strength.

Her shunning of the cutting of her locks has led to "creative" methods for regular grooming including trimming bangs while she sleeps, bribing her with her weight in lollipops, and holding her in a towel while she watches Team Umi Zoomie, the hair cut episode while trying to get a few inches off the top.   Her sister hit upon the brilliant idea of putting her remaining hair in a pony tail once we finished.  The end result, we could see her face and she is pleased but I got no props for getting rid of the cousin it look.   When we go to cast a ballot in the primaries, we get a sticker saying "I Voted."  Cutting a resistant child's bangs ought to at least merit a sash of some sort for the rest of the day.  

Note to recipients, you may wear this if you have to comb a child's hair or remove gum, in recognition of having put yourself in harms way.

AWAWTNG awards may also be given for Extreme Ambition: Taking all children out to a restaurant where they use plates that require washing, Exceptional Courage: letting your child drive the car and discovering those trees that can't move on the side of the road look a bit nervous; and Extraordinary Patience: Ignoring the complaints by offspring about how much work they have to do (I asked them to unload the dish washer) during the summer and how tired they are after getting up at 11:25 am.   Please notify the committee if you have an AWAWTNG award you feel you've justly earned.    



Anonymous said...

I feel that I have more than earned the "Knowing How to Get Vomit out of Any Surface" award, the "Standing on Your Front Lawn Flicking the Chunky Vomit out of Sheets in the Middle of the Night Award," and the "Knowing When Your Couch has been Vomited on too Much to be Salvaged" award. Also I should get the "Being Able to Correctly Diagnose Roseola Even Before the Rash Starts" trophy, because, darn it, I am getting really good at that one.
Seven Kids = I should have a case of trophies and plaques. But at least a couple of my children told me that I am the best at cleaning toilets. To which I replied, "That's why mommy went to college."

Sherry Antonetti said...

I bow and yield these awards to you for your heroic self sacrifice in the face of projectile unpleasantness.

Diagnosis of diseases absent a medical degree is a category of merit all its own and candidates qualify if they are able to recognize any of the following: ear infection, cold, flu, lyme disease, roseola and stomach bug. Winners will have Gatorade delivered to their homes by people dressed in haz mat suits, to be dumped over the winner's head in celebration or used to soothe upset tummies as needed.

Leaving a comment is a form of free tipping. But this lets me purchase diet coke and chocolate.

If you sneak my work, No Chocolate for You!