Christmas Regulations

It began with a question meant to while away the time driving from home to mass. “Hey kids! The grandparents in Texas want to give a family gift. Any suggestions?”

“A Dog!”
“A Fish!”
“A kitten!”

Sensing a trend I did not favor, I explained. “Rule number one: We shall add no living things to our family this Christmas.”

“What about a tree?”

“Nice try. But trees need to be planted at a different season, so while it’s a good idea, no. Let’s try again.”

“A Car!”
“A Boat!”
"A Tree House like they have on Phineas and Ferb."

“Okay, rule number two: This is out of range. Think less expensive.”
“Candy!”

Me: That's a bit on the low side for a family gift.
“Donut maker!”
“Deep Fryer!”

Hearing loud protests from those who do not like donuts and those who do not like fried anything and wanting to quell the appliance litany that was starting to coalesce...blender...ice cream maker...pizza oven...my kids watch too much Food Network... “Okay, rule number three…we probably don’t need a food related gift.”

“Hamster?”
“Again, remember I said no living things.”

“So the rule is the range is somewhere between Candy and a Boat, and nothing that breathes and nothing you eat.” My oldest son summarized it for the younger ones. I still thought the bell curve was a bit large.

“Skateboard Park!”
“Helicopter!”
“Pool!”

Yep. Too large. “Mmmmm. We need to add one more rule. You know how I said no living things? Well, we also want nothing that turns living things dead. Plus I think they were outside the stated range which I will modify, it must be smaller than a go-cart.”

“You keep adding rules.” My daughter pouted.

“Well it's a gift. And I think intent and results matter. I don't think your grandparents want to give things that can cause death.”

“We didn’t say guns.”
“Or knives.”
“Or Bear traps.”

Me: “That’s good because you’re not getting guns or knives or bear traps. Did you want guns or knives or bear traps?”

“No.”
“Not particularly.”
“The bear trap might have been cool.”

Me: “How do you even know about bear traps?”

“Civil War Series and the History Chanel”
“Little House in the Big Woods.”
“Wyle E. Coyote.”

“Okay. Nothing living. Nothing dead. Nothing that makes the living dead.”

“So no zombies.”

“Well, they’re not exactly keeping with the spirit of the season and we said a family gift.”

“We could get a family of zombies.”
“Cool. And if they got out of hand, the bear trap would come in handy.”
“Or the boat for a quick get away.”

Me: Okay, last rule because we’re almost to the parking lot. It must be in some way possible, fun, affordable, safe, not living and for the whole family. How about a basketball hoop?

I see grins in the rear view mirror as I park. "I think Mom planned that."
That's giving me way way way too much credit...but I'll take it.