April Fool's Day No Longer Celebrated

Owing to the lack of distinction in behavior by the human race on April 1st as versus any other day, April 1st has been canceled. 

When reached for comment, the month April said, "Hey, there are fools 365 days around, not just today and I for one am tired of being portrayed as having a monopoly on idiocy.  I have opening day and Easter most of the time and Spring and still what do I get tagged with?  Tax day, rain and stupid tricks that are the mental equivalent of knock knock jokes." 

April did not pull punches from her fellow calendar months, naming names that were the inspiration for this radical boycott of seasonal silliness.

"I mean, I woke up to a prank call from July, she's so damn smug, "Hey April, February is feeling really frustrated with the only 28 days thing and no one really likes that part of Winter so we decided she needed to have one extra day and drew straws.  You won....I mean, you get to have 29 days too, you'll be twins." Ugh. Talk about completely lame.  Even worse, Feb actually called me to thank me for the gift especially when there were plenty of months with an extra day to spare.  That was just awkward."

When pressed that it seemed only one month was the source of her irritation, April remained unmoved.  "Oh I know Aug put her up to this with Oct and Dec just egging her on.  Aug spends all his hot sticky days thinking up ways to punk me.  Last year, he sent seven dog walking services to my lawn over the course of a week.  It was nasty.  But I got even, I know lots of IRS agents."

When asked what we would do instead on this first day of the month aside from bills and changing our filters, she had this to say, "Well, there is Lent so I guess I'll have to let go of some of this irritation. People could go to mass.  They could also wish Sherry Antonetti's daughter Faith a Happy Birthday.  She's 13.  Otherwise, if you still feel like pulling a prank, I have the phone numbers for August and July.  They're both late sleepers so be sure and get your call in early."

 Happy April Fool's Day!*
Originally run in 2010. Updated only to give Faith's actual age.