Applying for a New Position

In this economy, every organization is looking to cut corners. Washington DC is no different than the rest of the nation. Now I am a patriot so I sympathize with the municipality in its thirst to trim budgets, spend less and get more for every dollar. As such, I am willing to make this sacrifice for the good of my family and the beltway crowd.

I will take on managing the Nationals, the Wizards and the Washington Redskins for the low low price of $400,000.00. I know I have no experience with coaching, with professional baseball, basketball or football but that wouldn't really matter. If I screwed up, I promise to let them fire me but they'd pay less for the same results.

Let's look at the hard stats.

The Nats: 59 wins, 103 losses. It's possible someone lacking baseball know how could rack up a worse record than the pro parasites currenty coaching but they'd have to be truely dedicated. Maybe management could have a fan appreciation day and let the 15,000th fan be coach for the day. It might improve attendance. The team might even get to the 15,000th fan. While batting 300 is a success in the major leagues, having a .341 winning percentage isn't.

The Wizards: In the 2008-2009 season, these guys racked up 19 wins and 63 losses. This is the stuff of legend. Statistically winning only 22% of the season, one wonders if it isn't just time to chuck it all and invite the President and all his men to come in and suit up. I hear they've got game and clearly these guys don't.

Redskins: They're only 2 and 4, but this was the easy part of the schedule, the seven years of bumper crop time. What do we have to show for it? We beat the Buccaneers. Tampa Bay has no wins, and the 'Skins beat them. Yeah us. The other team we beat, the also winless Saint Louis Rams. Before anyone gets too excited because we at least beat those two teams, the Lions who hadn't won since 2007, ended that streak against the Redskins. We gave hope to Detroit. 'Nuff said.

I promise to do as badly by taking naps in the dugout, blogging during practices and reading to my toddlers during training. All three teams will be in lousy condition, they will have no battle plan for the 2 minute drill, coming out of a fast break or to address the hapless fielding, sleepy bats and poor base running. Things will be no different than things are now, except, it will cost a lot less.

I'll be waiting by the phone expecting a call any day now.