Sunday, July 27, 2008

An Interview with Captain Billy


Today, we had the good fortune to make contact with Captain Billy of the Pirate Parenting Guide, (link to your right) as taken down by Tim Bete on cocktail napkins between purchases of alcohol. Tim is a parent, published humorist and organizer of the Erma Bombeck Conference. Having purchased the book myself and read a good bit of it this summer, I still had questions for the Captain for those parents out there considering the commitment involved in raising Pirates rather than mere accountants, lawyers, teachers or other civic minded peoples.

If you have a question for Captain Billy, email me and I'll see if he might give us another visit for a bottle of good rum.

1) What do we do when one child shows a predisposition to be more of an Orlando Bloom type pirate than a Jack Sparrow?

Send him to Hollywood and keep him away from yer ship.

2) How do we explain the near unwatchableness of Pirates of the Carribean II and III to our brigadeers?

I can't remember watching either of those movies. But when I find two empty rum bottles in the morning, I usually can't remember much of the night before.

3) The crew nearly muntinied over last night's dinner of turkey burgers, boiled corn and raw carrots. Any tips on how to quell such an uprising?

Kids like to help prepare their own food. Next time, let the turkey go in the backyard and give each kid a dagger.

4) The economy is bad these days, there are precious few opportunities for looting and pillaging. What's an entreprenural pirate to do for extra pieces of eight?

The economy is bad? Not for a pirate. The profit margins on plundering are as high as ever. Besides, I invested in oil company stock five years ago. I got an insider tip from am oil company executive I was about to make walk the plank.

5) Can a pirate be an O's fan?

By "O" I assume you mean "octopus." I like 'em deep fried but not when giant ones be attacking me ship.

6) When the teacher complains about the fact that our son is signing all of his papers "X," she's dissatisfied with our explanation that we are committed to raising a future generation of pirates. Has there been any court cases which might support our chosen way of life where the parents weren't subsequently sent to jail and the home/compound bulldozed?

It sound like the teacher doesn't support cultural diversity. I'd report her to the school board for insensitivity to buccaneers. You might also try bribing her.

7) Do you know where we can get good financing on a Ship of the Line?

I use the "no money down" method in which I steal another ship when its crew is in port. I can handle those kind of payments.

Thanks for your time Captain Billy. Here's the rum I promised.

I do have to admit, telling kids it's time to swab the deck or I'll Kehawl yeh is much more satisfying emotionally than saying "For the fifth time,Clean your room!"

Proud to plug a fellow writer's published pieces and help out a good guy. For more fun try

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