Thursday, February 14, 2019

Tips for Living with 13 Year Olds

10) Take up kick boxing, roller derby or demolition duty for a local construction company. Why? Because you'll need to exercise out some of that aggression you spend 24-7 repressing for the next eleven years.

9) Yes, I said you have a decade plus one year to go. The human brain doesn't stop growing until then, and it's better to err on the side of this taking a while. it's why other self medications like alcohol and excessive amounts of chocolate aren't recommended. Sedating frustration only prolongs the agony. Keep a journal. When they turn 24, hold a bonfire. Some things shouldn't be recorded for posterity.

8) Find a photo of yourself at thirteen, or even better, a diary from that golden age of misery. Post it on your mirror as reminder, your parents survived you.

7) If you don't like something they like, the surest way to kill it as a fad, is to act overly enthusiastic about it to the point of instilling fear, you'll fanboy them into social awkwardness.

6) Talk about how cute they were as a baby with the other moms, bring up toddler stories, especially in the parking lot or at sporting events. They can't argue with you about it, and every parent gets to remember a time when it was easier to potty training.

5) Let the kids know, you've planned a group chat online or set up live feed on Facebook, because nothing kills their love of social media like parents using it. Don't forget to include the grandparents.

4) Shout louder than everyone at the sporting event. Applaud. Be their number one fanmom/fandad. Bring pom poms and wear school colors. Be there for every game, play, etc. Bonus if you do face make up in team colors too. Bonus bonus if you get their siblings to follow suit.

3) Make sure you crank the tunes when you pick up at carpool, especially if it's Broadway music or Disney. Sing along if you've been made to wait more than five minutes.

2) Invite your teen's friend's parents over for dinner. Play cards with them. Tell your teen they're on the list of acceptable potential in-laws. It should cure dating for years.

1) If your child proposes to do something dangerous, stupid, inappropriate, etc. and pulls the line, "I'm almost an adult...or I'm legally an adult," stand by with your FAFSA and say, "Do tell." Immediately plan your vacation with the funds that would have gone to parent plus loans. If he or she complains, tell them they were the inspiration. You felt honor bound to treat them as the independent souls they professed themselves to be, and the way to guarantee their independence, was to make your own self unavailable...and nothing says not available like a vacation in Hawaii. It's even better than years of Kickboxing.

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