Reality Television

Now that Jon and Kate plus 8 have seperate lives, there is a void in the reality television world that exploits large and unusual families for other people's voyeuristic viewing pleasure. It has been mentioned in passing on more than one occasion that yours truely and her nine should throw their hats into the ring.

As my son said, "I could live with thousands of people thinking less of me for millions of dollars." We had a good laugh but the cost of living so large is expensive in my opinion.

With writing, I get to control the extent to which I reveal. I can embellish, shade and make up as the story goes. I do all the writing I do to make points, to reveal truth through myth. Most of the time, inspiration comes from diving into the imagination from the board of reality where these stories always start.

I mean, I could write stuff like today I ate a fiber one bar for breakfast and proceeded to lose it when I found the upstairs sinks had been finger painted with tooth paste. Then we set the old grill on fire because it was infested with hornets. After two hours of flames, the darn things came back and started rebuilding. It would be entertaining but I'm not going to tell you how much of that actually happened. I'll just let the image of a flaming black oil drum grill with me posed with the hose ready to fire on the fire sit.

But with film, there'd be no hiding the fact that I spent much of the morning armed with my shop vac, cleaning the outside deck of cobwebs and spidery cocoons, or later that I fought valiantly against an invasion of fruit flies. We do not like to look at ourselves in the mirror too long, or at least, I don't. And as such, I don't know that I could bear looking too deeply at the craziness that my life can sometimes translate into when viewed from a distance. Who wants to watch a person fold six loads of laundry and then be brought to her knees by the discovery of six additional loads that have been hidden behind various children's doors, under their beds, or in the guest closet? If it's me, then I vote "Not me."

So no son, we will labor in our undiscovered glory and relish the high price we're willing to pay for having to make friends and become known through our words and deeds both done and not done, said and not said, but not on tv. It won't make millions, but it won't be forever on reruns either. Unless I write about it and post it on the internet.

Oops.

Picking the Nominee for the DNC, Some Alternate Venues...

Scores of articles have been written about how letting the process go to the convention floor could cause massive fall out for the Democratic party. Here are a few modest solutions to the current problem of picking the candidate for the job.

Beauty Pageant Method

Okay, We have the candidates and Hillary won the Evening Gown competition hands down but our judges had to concede the swimsuit to Barack…so it comes to the critical personality question. If you were given the nomination, what would you do?


Hillary: “I’d be honored. So very honored. I’m sorry, I’m human. I’d cry. Yes…I’m crying even now, just thinking about it. It would be the most moving experience of my life since those little kids waited on the tarmac for me in Bosnia despite heavy sniper fire.”


Barack: “It would be a sign…a sign that the nation was ready for change. Our world would step forward into the light, and all the past sins of America, brought forth by the evil Republicans and oppressive majorities everywhere, would be righted in that moment. We would as Americans, again have the audacity to hope that people could just make ends meet on $257,000 a year via public service.”


What about Mr. Congeniality? Al Gore: “It’s a good thing they dropped the talent part of this competition…though I am known for my sparkling sense of humor. About the question, what would happen if I were given the Democratic Nomination for the 2008 election…hmmm…well, I’d have to say that the Planet would breathe easy again, knowing Oscar Winning Carbon Credit buying Putting the Salt back in the Earth type people were trying to again be in charge.”


The Iron Candidate

Place the potential presidents in a real work situation on live reality television.

Hillary, you have thirty minutes to draft a speech that will move the majority of Republicans to vote in favor of more taxes. You may use any means necessary but in addition to that, you also must cope with a major Bill First Husband Gaffe where he appeared to come on to the French President’s wife. There is no working phone and the only media outlet availble at the moment is Fox News. Go.

Barack, your proposed policy on health care just got stalled in committee in part because Hillary has lead a charge against you in the Senate, creating massive grid lock on every proposal unless you agree to appoint her Supreme Court Justice. What do you do? Also, your former pastor wants to know when he’s coming to dinner. You may not use esoteric or mystical language in your response.

Deal or No Deal

Someone needs to contact Howie Mandel and see if he’s interested in emceeing the Denver Democratic National Committee Convention. He could bring all fifty of his babettes –and that would make Bill happy, even if his wife lost the nomination.

They could put the remaining super delegate votes in the briefcases and let the two contenders duke it out answering questions and being goaded on to pick which number…do you want briefcase number six…possibly holding a super Super delegate card, allocating 500 votes to you, or the guarantee of briefcase number 42, wherein you’ll find a secure twenty.


It would at least eliminate the possibility of the convention ending in pure riots and chaos with accusations of stealing, if people could just shake their heads, “Man, she should have picked twenty-six. I knew it! The hot blonde always has the best prize!”

imagine how much damage and mischief I could manage if we only had cable...or go to http://www.humor-blogs.com/ to see what people more plugged into popular culture than me can manage...

Making A Wish For Hillary

Okay. Hillary’s had her Oprah moment.

She’s been empowered by the women of New Hampshire and is riding high in the polls and tall in the saddle.

How long will this “Don’t Tase Her Bro, Just Leave Hillary Alone!” Youtube type momentum of emotional and intellectual political amnesty last? Long enough for Hill to recognize she needed EVERY Woman to identify with her. So the first thing she did was proclaim all Women immigrants are not illegal. (That's true folks).http://www.lvrj.com/news/13702902.html

To continue to successfully cast herself not as the Take No Prisoners, Leave No Evidence, Leave the Gun, Bill Don’t Eat the Cannollis! Heart of Stone Woman, but as the victim of misogynist everywhere, she went to where the women are...watching women's TV.

Selling the New and Improved Softer and Gentle Fabric Softener version of Hillary, she allowed time in her busy campaign schedule for a powder puff piece with Tyra Banks.

During the interview, she lamented how isolatory being in the White House can be, trying to tap into the SAHM experience of being stuck with the kids while the world passes by. "I was never alone, but it was isolatory." She pensively posited. What mom hasn't felt that pain? "Moms! Isolated Women in a Crowd!" on the next Ellen....or Oprah, or Dr. Phil...or White House.


Then Tyra asked that critical question that determines the leader of the free world, "If you were on a reality TV show, which one would it be?"

"Finally, Clinton announced her decision: "I think it would have to be 'Dancing with the Stars,' " she said, "especially if I could have one of those really good partners." http://www.latimesblogs.com/washington/2008/01/tyratalks.html

She laughed and reminisced about dancing in her yesteryear. She'd have been in the Joffrey if she weren't oh...running for president. What a carefree spirit she'd be if she weren't so gosh darned responsible.

Well I feel her pain and I want to do something about it.

I want us to lobby ABC's "Dancing with the Stars" to extend to her an invitation. Make her girlhood dream come true, let her show her talent and grace and femininity that was denied the chance to full flower by enduring the years of Bill's campaigns, motherhood, the pressures of her first tenure as copresident, and her obsessive love of the New York Yankees that kept her from concentrating on reforming Health Care.

She put her hopes and dreams on hold, becoming a lawyer and first lady for the good of her family, not because of anything but pure selflessness, and even now, continues to surrender herself to the needs of our great country.

We don't deserve someone as glorious as Hillary. And I don't want such a giving soul to languish in the fishbowl type existence that the White House requires. Hasn't she suffered enough? We must set her free. After all, if you love someone...

Make her dream come true, let her receive the great Homecoming Queen crown that comes from being voted number one in "Dancing with the Stars." Phone the company! Demand that ABC put her on that show today!"

After all she's done for us, it's the least we could do for her.