Reality Television

Now that Jon and Kate plus 8 have seperate lives, there is a void in the reality television world that exploits large and unusual families for other people's voyeuristic viewing pleasure. It has been mentioned in passing on more than one occasion that yours truely and her nine should throw their hats into the ring.

As my son said, "I could live with thousands of people thinking less of me for millions of dollars." We had a good laugh but the cost of living so large is expensive in my opinion.

With writing, I get to control the extent to which I reveal. I can embellish, shade and make up as the story goes. I do all the writing I do to make points, to reveal truth through myth. Most of the time, inspiration comes from diving into the imagination from the board of reality where these stories always start.

I mean, I could write stuff like today I ate a fiber one bar for breakfast and proceeded to lose it when I found the upstairs sinks had been finger painted with tooth paste. Then we set the old grill on fire because it was infested with hornets. After two hours of flames, the darn things came back and started rebuilding. It would be entertaining but I'm not going to tell you how much of that actually happened. I'll just let the image of a flaming black oil drum grill with me posed with the hose ready to fire on the fire sit.

But with film, there'd be no hiding the fact that I spent much of the morning armed with my shop vac, cleaning the outside deck of cobwebs and spidery cocoons, or later that I fought valiantly against an invasion of fruit flies. We do not like to look at ourselves in the mirror too long, or at least, I don't. And as such, I don't know that I could bear looking too deeply at the craziness that my life can sometimes translate into when viewed from a distance. Who wants to watch a person fold six loads of laundry and then be brought to her knees by the discovery of six additional loads that have been hidden behind various children's doors, under their beds, or in the guest closet? If it's me, then I vote "Not me."

So no son, we will labor in our undiscovered glory and relish the high price we're willing to pay for having to make friends and become known through our words and deeds both done and not done, said and not said, but not on tv. It won't make millions, but it won't be forever on reruns either. Unless I write about it and post it on the internet.

Oops.

Summer Re-runs

Because it is summer and there are water gun fights to have, ice cream to eat, stupid movies to watch and marathon games of crazy eights, parchisi, poker and Wii Smash Brothers to play, I too, shall adopt the network philosophy of occasionally throwing in a rerun during prime time.

Why? Am I getting lazy?
Well, yes. It’s summer.

So I’ll start with a goodie just to make it up to you. Here’s the very biggest hit I ever go with a blog entry. Rerun. 50 Something Betters. Yeah, I did have to update it because we used to only have eight.

Everyone who has ever seen Steve Martin's Roxanne, has seen the riff where he gives the bar 50 something betters on how to insult his nose. In my own life, the equivalent of "Hey Big Nose!" is "You have HOW MANY?" and even better, "Why?"

50. We keep hoping for twins but so far that hasn't worked out.

49. We were trying to even up the team. (5 girls, 4 boys).

48. Meet my retirement plan, I'm staying with each of them for six weeks out of the year.

47. Catholic with a capital C.

46. Gilbreths: 12 kids, Nobel Prize winner of Economics, multiple geniuses, published authors, Von Traps: Seven, Broadway show and Musical Movie about story has made bazillions. Osmonds (6). Singing, Fame, Fortune and perfect teeth. Hughes: 6, youngest is a Olympic gold medalist, Kennedy's 9, President, would be President, Senator, etc.,

Antonetti's........Antonetti's.......pending.

45. I lost count after six.

44. We wanted to justify our SUV.

43. Creating my own voting block for when I run for President.

42. I now have plenty of excuses if my high school fantasy dream job goes unfulfilled(which it will and it should --Dancer from "Cats").

41. Wanted to win a trophy at my 25th year High School reunion for something!

40. Getting my money's worth out of the baby clothes and paraphernalia.

39. We never have left overs.

38. Q: Don't you know how this works? A: Well yeah!

37. Hoping for my own Reality TV show.

36. With such good looking intelligent offspring, it seemed selfish to limit ourselves.

35. We enjoy causing pure terror on the faces of travelers in the terminals simply by walking up to the gate en masse. Sometimes, it isn't even our gate.

34. We don't have to share a pew...ever.

33. We can dress them up as reindeer for next year's Christmas card.

32. I can drown out anyone in an argument with pure sound.

31. Hospital now has named a parking place in my honor.

30. OBGYN bought a Florida condo because of me.

29. Defense in depth.

28. Can tell babysitter I have no sympathy for him or her if they have to change a diaper.

27. Creates instant conversation starter or stopper depending upon venue.

26. Email using just initials of children eliminates all spam.

25. We have a bike, shoe, glove, coat to fit every age and gender and occasion.

24. As a friend said, she used to be impressed with me but after the Duggars, not so much.

23. Can mess with people's heads by adding additional baby pictures of brother's and brother in law's children in office without telling anyone.

22. When I call for volunteers, no one else can say..."I'm too busy."

21. No one asks me to co-op babysit. No one tries to take advantage of my being a SAHM for free babysitting either. (It used to happen).

20. Always get the HOV lane.

19. Exiting Car is an event.

18. When we dress the same, (all ND jerseys, all 4th of July) it's an instant parade.

17. Easy to cook for a Church Dinner or Event, used to feeding a crowd.

16. Insta-clod spotter, the person who asks, "So...you gonna have any more?" or any variant thereof.

15. Size of family makes people underestimate our brains.

14. No fights over names of children, we got all our favorites in there.

13. You ONLY Have HOW MANY?

12. Statistically, one of these guys should strike it rich.

11. Gene pool Standard deviation has been skewed in our favor.

10. Fifth one at Catholic School is free. Right? Right?

9. Never have to worry about being corrupted by too much wealth or material things.

8. Can rationalize messy house based on sheer numbers. It was messy before we got to nine, but now I can justify it.

7. Shrunk in the wash, no problem, it will fit.....insert child's name here.

6. Eight months out of the year, we get birthday cake.

5. Easy to teach children how to count to ten.

4. Fun watching people try to test their long term memory listing all our children's names.

3. Can identify recessive genes easily.

2. Every time we go to the shoe store, we get a free pair.

1. Said we'd accept children lovingly from God. God took us seriously.


AND the real statement I always fall back on when asked about our family and its obvious large size, "It's no sacrifice to be surrounded by people that love us."