Common Applications

Don't know why I didn't publish this one at the time....

When my oldest was applying to college, he filled out what is called the "Common Ap."  The essay question piqued my interest.   "What what literary character do you identify?"  Being an idealist who had spent much of the past four years in futile intellectual battles with adversaries only found in high school, he suggested Don Quixote.  The counsellor understood but mentioned that perhaps since Cervantes made his main character insane, this might not be the best pick to impress a potential college administrator.  

After much discussion, he settled on Sir Gawain.

But I then threw out the question to other family members....and I got Hermione, Artemis Fowl,  A "This is a trick to get us to read more" look, and Junie B Jones.  Then one of the older ones said, "Pikachu." 

Now the idea that one of my offspring identifies with a neon yellow electric mouse was a bit more than I could stomach.  I started to protest.   But this one is smart and she was prepared for my objections, "But Mom, wouldn't it make sense that you are training us and teaching us to evolve, to improve, to fight our own battles and to train?"   The minions who were in the car during this conversation immediately began speaking in the chirpy repetitive method of their self identified favorite pocket monster.  I had a bulbasar and a charizard, a flameon and a growlithe in addition to the pikachu. 

"No jigglypuff?" I asked.

"Nope." was the consensus and then they decided the younger three were a ponyta, butterfree and pichu. 

"Fine, I want one of those pokeballs too so I can put each of you out of stasis when necessary.  It would make bedtime much easier."

"But you can only keep six in pokeballs at a time." 

"It would still be easier and quieter than nine. And I want one of those cleaning pokemon, Mr. Mimes." 

"But Mom, you gotta catch them all."  She chirped, looking at my then pregnant belly, "Maybe this time."

50 Something Betters

Everyone who has ever seen Steve Martin's Roxanne, has seen the riff where he gives the bar 50 something betters on how to insult his nose. In my own life, the equivalent of "Hey Big Nose!" is "You have HOW MANY?" and even better, "Why?"

50. We keep hoping for twins but so far that hasn't worked out.

49. We were trying to even up the team. (5 girls, 3 boys).

48. Meet my retirement plan, I'm staying with each of them for six weeks out of the year.

47. Catholic with a capital C.

46. Gilbreths: 12 kids, Nobel Prize winner of Economics, multiple geniuses, published authors, Von Traps: Seven, Broadway show and Musical Movie about story has made bazillions. Osmonds (6). Singing, Fame, Fortune and perfect teeth. Hughes: 6, youngest is a Olympic gold medalist, Kennedy's 9, President, would be President, Senator, etc.,

Antonetti's........Antonetti's.......pending.

45. I lost count after six.

44. We wanted to justify our SUV.

43. Creating my own voting block for when I run for President.

42. I now have plenty of excuses if my high school fantasy dream job which it will and it should (Dancer from "Cats") goes unfulfilled.

41. Wanted to win a trophy at my 25th year High School reunion for something!

40. Getting my money's worth out of the baby clothes and paraphernalia.

39. We never have left overs.

38. Q: Don't you know how this works? A: Well yeah!

37. Hoping for my own Reality TV show.

36. With such good looking intelligent offspring, it seemed selfish to limit ourselves.

35. We enjoy causing pure terror on the faces of travelers in the terminals simply by walking up to the gate en masse. Sometimes, it isn't even our gate.

34. We don't have to share a pew...ever.

33. We can dress them up as reindeer for next year's Christmas card.

32. I can drown out anyone in an argument with pure sound.

31. Hospital now has named a parking place in my honor.

30. OBGYN bought a Florida condo because of me.

29. Defense in depth.

28. Can tell babysitter I have no sympathy for him or her if they have to change a diaper.

27. Creates instant conversation starter or stopper depending upon venue.

26. Email using just initials of children eliminates all spam.

25. We have a bike, shoe, glove, coat to fit every age and gender and occasion.


24. I tell people I only have eight.

23. Can mess with people's heads by adding additional baby pictures of brother's and brother in law's children in office without telling anyone.

22. When I call for volunteers, no one else can say..."I'm too busy."

21. No one asks me to co-op babysit. No one tries to take advantage of my being a SAHM for free babysitting either. (It used to happen).

20. Always get the HOV lane.

19. Exiting Car is an event.

18. When we dress the same, (all ND jerseys, all 4th of July) it's an instant parade.

17. Easy to cook for a Church Dinner or Event, used to feeding a crowd.

16. Insta-clod spotter, the person who asks, "So...you gonna have any more?" or any variant thereof.

15. Size of family makes people underestimate our brains.

14. No fights over names of children, we got all our favorites in there.

13. You ONLY Have HOW MANY?

12. Statistically, one of these guys should strike it rich.

11. Gene pool Standard deviation has been skewed in our favor.

10. Fifth one at Catholic School is free. Right?

9. Never have to worry about being corrupted by too much wealth or material things.

8. Can rationalize messy house based on sheer numbers. It was messy before we got to eight, but now I can justify it.

7. Shrunk in the wash, no problem, it will fit.....insert child's name here.

6. Eight months out of the year, we get birthday cake.

5. Easy to teach children how to count to ten.

4. Fun watching people try to test their long term memory listing all our children's names.

3. Can identify recessive genes easily.

2. Guaranteed inspiration at all times for your weekly doses of Chocolate!

1. Said we'd accept children lovingly from God. God took us seriously.


AND the real statement I always fall back on when asked about our family and its obvious large size, "It's no sacrifice to be surrounded by people that love us."

Go to http://www.humor-blogs.com/ for fifty pretty darn funnies, if not something betters.