Lawn Chair Catechism

Welcome to the final session of Lawn Chair Catechism, using Forming Intentional Disciples: The Path to Knowing and Following Jesus, by Sherry Weddell (Our Sunday Visitor, 2012).

In your own faith:

• What action are you inspired to take as a result of studying this book over the summer?

Honestly, my first reaction is panic.  I've become accustomed to the weekly jog of the soul to think beyond itself.  Having spent the summer reading and digesting this book while discovering other people's interior journey via the blogosphere, I now am thinking  "Now what?"  and my mind goes completely blank. What am I supposed to do?  

Answer: Share my faith with others through witness, through story, through research, through reason, through daily actions and look for the opportunities the Holy Spirit is presenting.    

How?  

This was the tricky part.  I don't know.  Except I do.  Today, a daughter came home and needed comforting because she witnessed to being Pro-life, and was mocked for her words.  It hurt deeply.  I reminded her that these were teens, they  would grow and mature and deepen in knowledge and their opinions might change in time.   

It still stung.  So I told her the story of her own life and how as a baby, she inspired someone to not abort simply by being.   I'd been at the gym working out after baby #3 and coming back to the childcare room, my youngest needed to nurse.  Draped in a cloak, I knew I must look like the Earth mother with one daughter pulling on one arm, my son chatting me up on the other side, and holding an infant under my coat while nursing.  I felt ridiculous.  But the teen who worked at the gym kept peppering me with questions, the kind that tell you, there is more to this than mere curiosity.  She was pregnant and alone.  Seeing the three of my children, especially the happy baby, inspired.  

We talked.  The following week, she got medical attention.  She got help and support from his family.  She found a place she could stay.  I brought her maternity clothes and an extra bassinet.  She had the baby I know, but the story vanished from that point on, I didn't see her anymore despite multiple attempts to connect.  The witness was not one of argument, argument would not have swayed the day.  Witnessing allowed her to ask questions. 

• How will you put the concepts and ideas that struck you most into action?

I don't know.  Part of this question deals with discernment, and I frequently find my best discernment is after the fact, after I've plunged into something.   What resonated with me, was the intentional component of discipleship.  I've always been organic in my faith, deciding I need to pray more or study more or do more, but it is something I would fall in and out of as the impulses dictated.  Discipleship is by nature, more disciplined.  I will have to Will it.  

• Who will you share this book and the ideas in it with?  My family, my parish, my adult children, and I will reread it.  Like others, I would have raced through this book absent the deliberate nature of this past summer's project, and I would have missed much.  As it is, I still think I read too fast and need more time to steep in these thoughts to answer this question.  

I will miss this weekly moment that kept calling me to deeper waters, because I'm afraid my tendency will be to stay in the safe shallow areas.  

Lawn Chair Catechism, Last Chapter

Ever have a moment where the Holy Spirit taps you on the shoulder and shows you something of yourself you've been avoiding? 

Boy.  Does it stink. 

It stinks because it seems like everything was so obvious, and yet here I was, blind.  It stinks because it then requires something other than what has come before.  It stinks because wherever it is that the Holy Spirit shows you yourself, you have to either answer the call, or reject the Holy Spirit, and the human spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak from the atrophy of not doing.  

I know what you're thinking. Sherry...when are you not doing?  And it isn't a question of how busy you are, but of the spirit with which you are being busy.  This is my great struggle in everything.  I like to be involved, connected, invested, but it is partially an ego trip, because then I can say I'm involved, connected, invested.   I like to read books, but again it is partially an ego trip because it is to be able to say that I am well read.  I like to write but again it is partially an ego trip to get my name out there, to get published, to get praise, to get paid, to be thought of as a writer. 

But to work with the Holy Spirit, for Christ, I have to will to do something for anyone, everyone, other than myself.  Even cleaning the house can be an extension of my ego, when it is not an extension of my vice of clutter and vigilant sloth.  It is a hard thing to recognize that I am a desperately needy soul.  It is equally hard to embrace the reality that God loves my desperately needy soul, He doesn't tire of it, though He knows I tire of being so damn needy. 

What does God want me to do as a disciple, how does God want me to be an intentional disciple bringing Christ to others?  How do I know when I've hit the mark?   And for me, more importantly, how do I know when I've missed or am going off track? If I think of Mary as a compass, she always points to Christ.  If I look at my actions as the wind, is my soul's sail moving toward Christ, or not?

I've felt flat in prayer, flat in what I do, a spiritual flatness that indicates whatever else I am doing, I am not moving, I am drifting, my sails are not tight, and I lack the spiritual direction I should have.  You can't lead if you are adrift. You cannot call others to Christ if you are stagnant. How do I get unstuck? Unflat?  In sailing, you tighten the lines, align the rudder to the wind and follow the compass. 

Who is the compass?  Mary, The Church, scripture, Christ's words.  What are the lines and the rudder and the sails?  The lines are prayer.  I've fallen down on prayer, flatness does that, and the soul, trying to feel less pain at the dryness of prayer, thinks not praying will feel better. It doesn't.  The rudder translates to the sacraments, the gifts of grace that orient one toward Christ and bring the wind of grace to the sails --the will of me that wants to cooperate so desperately but often tacks wrong.

Going back to the mirror.  This is the last week of the Lawn Chair Catechism. This week, the question was,
In your own faith:

• Have you ever felt isolated in your quest to follow Jesus?

Yes.  I believe that's just exactly what I just described. I suspect part of the isolation is due to my husband's brutal work schedule as of late.  It's not his fault.  It's not mine. It just is.  But it is not good for me to be alone.  I don't find God as easy to find absent the company, the community of others.  I love the mass, especially going up to receive the Eucharist.  I feel a wave of grace and overwhelming gratitude to everyone that is there.  I hope all their prayers are answered and that they know it.  I love them for coming.  It happens often to me, seeing all of the people come up to receive.  They are all bringing their crosses, their joys, their troubles, their worries, everything and it moves me every single time.  It is a gift of great beauty, their coming and I'm so grateful.  My kids always find me near tears after communion because of the sense of gratitude I can't deny and it is for the Eucharist and the body of Christ I see witnessing in the Church.  If I have a momentary taste of Heaven, of being wrapped in joy, it is then. 

When I am at home, even surrounded by people that love me and that I love, I sometimes feel the isolation of being a stay at home mom, bound to the house, and the isolation of being a very small fish on the internet, a blogger that makes a clanging noise of words on the internet demanding "look at me."

• What are ways you have built a community of spiritual companions?  This is where I've fallen down, I used to be active on the Parish Council, then on HSA, then as a leader of the Fall Festival, but last year, I did not actively participate in part because I felt overwhelmed by the tasks more readily at hand, managing two kids in high school, two in middle, three in elementary, one in college, one in pre-k special needs and one toddler.  I pulled back, hoping I would serve the more immediate people in my life better.  Somehow, pulling back did not translate to more or better time.  I'm not sure why but it was a year of lying fallow that while perhaps necessary, was equally isolating.   I need to sail in a fleet of ships, all pointed toward Christ.  Perhaps I need to let the sails fill and start moving and others will follow.  How?  I don't know. 

• But Sheryll Wendell gives a good template for starting at the end of her book when she quotes CS Lewis about how it is impossible to think too much about the glory in t he hereafter of one's neighbor. Again, the mirror was held up, my experience after communion is the vision of all of my neighbors in their glory of the hereafter.   It's time to stop drifting and get to work making this soul of mine ready for deeper waters.  

Lawn Chair Catechism

 

The St. Catherine of Siena Institute has a primary mission of helping parishioners uncover and begin to use their charisms.  The discernment process may yield unsettling results:

After working with tens of thousands of Catholics in the discernment process, we have noticed something important: Not all charisms are welcomed and valued at the parish level.  This is almost never intentional or bad-willed, but it hampers the work of the Kingdom all the same.
. . . Which charisms are we not likely to welcome? The charisms primarily aimed at starting new initiatives, evangelizing and proclaiming Christ, forming disciples and apostles, and freedom for unusual ministry and prophetic change.

An essential ministry is the formation of small faith groups by those with the gift of “pastoring”. The last thing new disciples need is to feel isolated and alone within their parish.

For discussion:

In your own faith:

• How would you describe what your spiritual gifts are (or might be)?

What are my spiritual gifts. This is a hard question because it's much much easier to list my spiritual flaws.  I know them.  I know my gifts too but it's easier to talk about the warts than the beauty.  Spiritual gifts...humor, easy friendship, enthusiasm, intellect and kindness.   I also pray, so I'm willing and even sometimes, obedient. 

• In what ways could you evangelize or disciple others using those gifts? 

Leave the house and get involved.  It's a reality.  I have as of late, withdrawn from life outside of our home.  Part of it is logistics.  Raising ten children and maintaining their home takes time, energy, effort.   It means I can do less outside the realm of my house.  Part of it is my children are young, so they also are semi-house bound.  Paul is 4, Anna is 2. Both are not potty trained. There are simply limits.  And I have stopped in the past few years, seeking to go past them.  Writing this, I admit I don't like limits, but I have allowed the dull ordinariness of everyday to wear away at my willingness to push past them.  The domestic life of serving them does lead to a sort of passivity that is perhaps, unhealthy if I would be a disciple.  I am a lesser mother and follower for having allowed this, because I've let myself use sloth as a reasonable excuse to be less.

Being inside the house, being on the computer, it is safe to be Catholic. I can witness all day on my little patch of cyberspace, it does very little, it demands even less.   Witnessing is physical, tangible, touchable.  Witnessing requires that one see and be seen.  Words without actions are empty. Living inside a controlled environment of my own making, it is easy to not deliberately do harm, but it is equally almost impossible to enact good.  

To awaken other souls to beauty, to life, to God, requires I reveal beauty, life, God to others.   God will do the rest, but He wants (not needs), and He knows I need and even in the deeper parts of me, want to do just this, to reveal beauty, life and God to others. Our world needs the fullness of all of our imaginations and hearts infused into everything, which requires we do the dangerous thing of going out our doors.   I have to be willing to be an unsafe soul, secure in the reality that we were always in danger of being devoured by the world, that we are called to be witnesses to the beauty that is beyond the world and cannot be devoured, and that we will be safe and secure and loved, not from or by the world, but for all eternity by the one who is Beauty, is Truth, is Love.

Then I wondered, am I feeling sorry for myself?  (Probably a bit).  Am I being overly harsh on myself?  My 4 year old son Paul had the answer.  He ran out of the house, still in his pj's, no shoes, because the outside beckoned.   Bringing him back inside, I promised, we'll get back out there after we're dressed.   But the message was clear, get out there. You don't have to be so prepared, just go out the door.  Forget your walking stick.   You're going on an adventure. 

Lawn Chair Catechism This Week

I have really loved doing this Lawn Chair Catechism, it's like the midweek jolt to my soul. "Wake up stupid! You're supposed to be doing something!!! Do you even know what that is you are supposed to be doing?"  I need a GPS with the step by step directions out of the driveway for my soul, every day.  Even though I've been trying to drive this route every day.  

Resurrection, Ascension, New Life, Adoption, and the Kingdom:  The Cross is not the end of the story.  Seekers can investigate the historical evidence for the reality of the resurrection.  Satisfied with that evidence, they can move on to asking, “What does this mean for me?”

In special education, there is a diagnosis called "learning disabilities" which is a general term for wherever along the process of seeing/hearing (visual disorder) interpreting (processing disorder/language issue) analyzing (associative disorder) responding (writing/speaking), the information gets stuck.  I think the soul gets stuck in the process along the way as well. 

Many of us hold the seed in our hearts, we have heard the resurrection story and we believe it.  We see/hear correctly.  But we might think it either impossible to get there (despair) or spend our lives wringing our hands over everything in a false attempt at perfection (also despair) making ourselves miserable and thinking this is what God wants. (form of gnosticism and scrupulosity mixed together, toxic spiritual cocktail).  It is why we need the gift of knowledge that Jesus ascended to prepare a place for us. He is anticipating us coming to him as his friends, as his guests, as his family.   He is preparing a room, it has already been set aside, we have to will to get there.  Predetermination is not in play here.  It is an invitation. He has invited us.  How we live determines our RSVP. 

To take on new life is to revision everything we do.  But we forget.  We forget often. I know I do.  So we need the reminders of the sacraments and scripture, of daily prayer and corporeal acts of mercy and the lives of the saints, sacramentals, all of it, to pound through to our heads and hearts, you're invited. Come to the table. Come to my heart.  Come.   

But we might still think, He can't mean me.  And if He does mean me?  What does that mean?

It means we've been adopted.  That's radical, we've been grafted into His family. At any celebration we want every guest to come. We want everyone at every reunion, even the crazy uncle who smokes and has tattoos. (I had one of those, he gave us quarters and told scary stories, he smelled of tobacco and was both fascinating and frightening at the same. He suffered from schizophrenia).  We need to recognize, for all our preening, we aren't that different from the crazy uncle.  We're still invited with all our faults, all our failings, all our sins.  

And that means, being the Kingdom here, not waiting until death.  Starting today.  If I smoked, it would be time for a cigarette to steady the nerves.  

The seeker thus comes to a final set of thresholds: Jesus asks me to follow him.  He forgives my sins.  I’m ready to drop the net and become a disciple.

For discussion:

In your own faith:

• Are you practiced in sharing the Gospel story? Have you ever heard it told especially well.  

Yes.  I've watched it lived out in the story of my parents, in their friends and in their care for their family, both immediate, extended and adopted.  They took in cousins. They took in crazy uncles. They took on other missions along the way.  It was never about them.  Even now, my mother goes every day to the home where my father receives 24-7 care. She brushes his teeth. She sits with him at meals. She brings him the Eucharist.  

My father for many years of my life, took me to church, made me say the rosary rather than talk or fight with my brothers, read to me from books I could not understand, like giving a novice a taste of fine wine.  I could not understand the highlights or the special nature of the drink, I drank anyway.   Now, he does not do these things, but I have seen him and he still lights up to receive. He holds in the deeper parts of his memory and fights through the Alzheimer's for bits of the rosary and to take communion.  His face lights up when he sees Mom, it is a form of "Hello." It is silent, but it is real.  

I know the Gospel story, I know how to splice moments into everyday life. My children are well practiced at rolling their eyes, not because I cite scripture or Christ's teachings, but because usually, when I get it nailed down, they agree, fold the resistance and life resumes. I know in my head always to ask,  "Is it right? Is it just? Is it kind?" before speaking and acting.  But I struggle with the living it out part. 

• How can you become more skilled at explaining and answering questions about the Gospel?  Prayer, reading, and practice.  Plus asking God to place me, to push me, to show me where he wants me to work, and then give me the will to do what he has placed before me, to not be distracted by all the things that so easily distract me.  My daughter came to me and said, "I'm hungry."  I said, "I'm writing. Let me finish this."  She said, "It's going to take a long time." and another daughter agreed, "It would." But when I tried to stay on task (this task), all hell broke lose. There were deer in the back yard which sent a child running at them, a toilet clogged and there was a fight of pecking order amongst two of the middles over a card game.  Everything seemed to spill over and I admittedly ran back to the comfort and safety and illusory control of the computer.  But the words, "I'm hungry." came back to me where I was sitting, so I got up again, and started to take care of things. 
• I thought I'd finished when a daughter came to me and said, "Mom, when are we going?" I'd forgotten about how yesterday I promised to take two or three of them to the mall for back to school shoe shopping.  Writing would have to be put off again.  The other day a writer asked in a forum, "How do you find time to write and how do you help your family understand?"  
• The reality is they aren't supposed to understand, they come first.  They have priority. It isn't easy. It isn't always fun, and I certainly don't always have the temperament to sublimate my desires to my vocation.  I come grudgingly to plunge the toilets and hound the child to pick up the toys he just tossed off the table, I come irritated to clean the dishes and fold the laundry and run the errands.  Absent grace I come annoyed to climb the stairs and wipe down the counters and do all that the daily life of a family demands.  But with grace, all these actions become better, become what they should be, acts of love.  
• So, the call has been given, and I have to serve.  It's a matter of not objecting to the nature of the service, which is where my ego, my sins, my desires wrestle with my soul and what is right.  Another daughter comes into the room. She is sick. I call the doctor to schedule an appointment.  "When are we going?" "Right now."  That is the answer.  It is always the answer.  

I'll be back after I take two to the mall and the other daughter to the doctor's.  

Lawn Chair Catechism Chapter 9 I think

Sherry Weddell outlines a series of steps that parishes can take to foster this culture of active faith.  In this chapter she discusses the first of several elements of the step she calls “Break the silence”.

 

A threshold conversation can begin with an opening question, such as “Can you tell me about your relationship with God to this point in your life?”  Do not settle for labels, but ask clarifying questions to better understand what the individual thinks and feels about God.

The second essential question is, “If you could ask God one question that you knew he would answer right away, what would it be?”  This question often reveals current needs or struggles that someone in the parish may be able to address.
In your own faith:

• Have you ever listened to a “threshold conversation”?  What was it like?
• Can you think back to a time when perhaps you should have listened supportively and asked clarifying questions, and instead you jumped in with catechesis, or apologetics, or giving personal advice?

Join the conversation over at Catholic Mom.

When I go out into the world with my whole horde, nearly every moment is a "threshold conversation," because there is an obvious icebreaker that lends itself to discussing things more deeply than "Hi, how ya' doing?" 

"Are all those kids yours?" happens a lot.

My response which ranges from clever to bored already with this if it feels too familiar/too wrong given the context to better than clever, honest, determines the next step.  I've done, "I think so...though we may have picked up a few more, honestly after ten I stopped counting. If they all fit in the van, it's all good." which gets a laugh, and usually an admission, either of wanting more children or wondering about more children, or having decided not to have more children.  But showing up with ten always gets people talking. 

Sometimes it is a lament.  Because the door has been shut deliberately, and padlocked, and kept closed until it is frozen.  I have one friend at the drycleaner's, she lights up when the little kids come in with me.  It is something she does not have. 

Sometimes it is a spark, and I can see, that person is considering if in fact, God is knocking and asking if there is room in the inn of that person's heart, for one more.   "How do you do it?" is usually a signal that someone is pondering the possibility, that they are called to more. 

I have wished on occasion, that the stock humor answers weren't so easy to let slide, because I may have shut down conversations that could have been.  Listening to Jesus, not talking to him or even talking about Him, is the better portion.  It is a hard thing though, for listening is always other directed.  It can never be self directed. 

Fortunately, I've at least learned to sometimes, not have to be the class clown, and that allows the Holy Spirit to better use the opportunity of conversation.  Ten kids are the ice breaker, but not for me to put on a stand up, but for us to go and have our visit.  

As to the second question:

If I could ask God one question?  I don't know what I would ask, maybe, "What is it you want me to do?"  I'd probably ask if I could ask a few more, and if He wouldn't mind, could I keep asking him questions whenever they arose? "Could you undo the knots in my brain that keep me from doing what I should sometimes, and keep me from not doing what I shouldn't?" also comes to mind.  "Will you help me make it and help all of these people you've trusted to me make it?" is also a good one.   

But I also know, all we need do, is sit at His feet, listen, and let love impel us to action.   So many times, the command in the Bible is "Listen."  Mary tells us, "This is my son. Listen to him."  God says, "This is my beloved son in whom I am well pleased, listen to him."  "Whoever has ears ought to hear."  "Who is this that the wind and seas obey his voice?"  "Listen to him, he is calling out to Elijah."  We hear over and over again, "Listen." 

God is always knocking, if we need any further examples, there is the prayer said to Blessed Mother Teresa by Jesus himself. 

By Mother Teresa,

I Thirst for You
"Behold, I stand at the door and knock… (Rev. 3, 20)
Jesus Crucified

It is true. I stand at the door of your heart, day and night. Even when you are not listening, even when you doubt it could be Me, I am there. I await even the smallest sign of your response, even the least whispered invitation that will allow Me to enter.

And I want you to know that whenever you invite Me, I do come – always, without fail. Silent and unseen I come, but with infinite power and love, and bringing the many gifts of My Spirit. I come with My mercy, with My desire to forgive and heal you, and with a love for you beyond your comprehension – a love every bit as great as the love I have received from the Father ("As much as the Father has loved me, I have loved you…" (Jn. 15:10) I come - longing to console you and give you strength, to lift you up and bind all your wounds. I bring you My light, to dispel your darkness and all your doubts. I come with My power, that I might carry you and all your burdens; with My grace, to touch your heart and transform your life; and My peace I give to still your soul.

I know you through and through. I know everything about you. The very hairs of your head I have numbered. Nothing in your life is unimportant to Me. I have followed you through the years, and I have always loved you – even in your wanderings. I know every one of your problems. I know your needs and your worries. And yes, I know all your sins. But I tell you again that I love you – not for what you have or haven’t done – I love you for you, for the beauty and dignity My Father gave you by creating you in His own image. It is a dignity you have often forgotten, a beauty you have tarnished by sin. But I love you as you are, and I have shed My Blood to win you back. If you only ask Me with faith, My grace will touch all that needs changing in your life, and I will give you the strength to free yourself from sin and all its destructive power.

I know what is in your heart – I know your loneliness and all your hurts – the rejections, the judgments, the humiliations, I carried it all before you. And I carried it all for you, so you might share My strength and victory. I know especially your need for love – how you are thirsting to be loved and cherished. But how often have you thirsted in vain, by seeking that love selfishly, striving to fill the emptiness inside you with passing pleasures – with the even greater emptiness of sin. Do you thirst for love? "Come to Me all you who thirst…" (Jn. 7: 37). I will satisfy you and fill you. Do you thirst to be cherished? I cherish you more than you can imagine – to the point of dying on a cross for you.

I Thirst for You. Yes, that is the only way to even begin to describe My love for you. I THIRST FOR YOU. I thirst to love you and to be loved by you – that is how precious you are to Me. I THIRST FOR YOU. Come to Me, and I will fill your heart and heal your wounds. I will make you a new creation, and give you peace, even in all your trials I THIRST FOR YOU. You must never doubt My mercy, My acceptance of you, My desire to forgive, My longing to bless you and live My life in you. I THIRST FOR YOU. If you feel unimportant in the eyes of the world, that matters not at all. For Me, there is no one any more important in the entire world than you. I THIRST FOR YOU. Open to Me, come to Me, thirst for Me, give me your life – and I will prove to you how important you are to My Heart.

Don’t you realize that My Father already has a perfect plan to transform your life, beginning from this moment? Trust in Me. Ask Me every day to enter and take charge of your life. – and I will. I promise you before My Father in heaven that I will work miracles in your life. Why would I do this? Because I THIRST FOR YOU. All I ask of you is that you entrust yourself to Me completely. I will do all the rest.

Even now I behold the place My Father has prepared for you in My Kingdom. Remember that you are a pilgrim in this life, on a journey home. Sin can never satisfy you, or bring the peace you seek. All that you have sought outside of Me has only left you more empty, so do not cling to the things of this life. Above all, do not run from Me when you fall. Come to Me without delay. When you give Me your sins, you gave Me the joy of being your Savior. There is nothing I cannot forgive and heal; so come now, and unburden your soul.

No matter how far you may wander, no matter how often you forget Me, no matter how many crosses you may bear in this life; there is one thing I want you to always remember, one thing that will never change. I THIRST FOR YOU – just as you are. You don’t need to change to believe in My love, for it will be your belief in My love that will change you. You forget Me, and yet I am seeking you every moment of the day – standing at the door of your heart and knocking. Do you find this hard to believe? Then look at the cross, look at My Heart that was pierced for you. Have you not understood My cross? Then listen again to the words I spoke there – for they tell you clearly why I endured all this for you: "I THIRST…"(Jn 19: 28). Yes, I thirst for you – as the rest of the psalm – verse I was praying says of Me: "I looked for love, and I found none…" (Ps. 69: 20). All your life I have been looking for your love – I have never stopped seeking to love you and be loved by you. You have tried many other things in your search for happiness; why not try opening your heart to Me, right now, more than you ever have before.

Whenever you do open the door of your heart, whenever you come close enough, you will hear Me say to you again and again, not in mere human words but in spirit. "No matter what you have done, I love you for your own sake Come to Me with your misery and your sins, with your troubles and needs, and with all your longing to be loved. I stand at the door of your heart and knock. Open to Me, for I THIRST FOR YOU…"

Lawn Chair Catechism

Summary:

The seeker is actively seeking Jesus Christ.  He is not yet following Him, but he’s considering it.  When he makes the decision to drop his net and follow Jesus, he becomes a disciple.

We have found it useful to think of the two thresholds of seeking and intentional discipleship as a whole, as well as considering them as two separate stages.  What both thresholds have in common is that they are active rather than essentially passive . . .Read the rest over at Catholicmom.com.

I think I missed a week.  However the questions this week struck me deeply in part because of a nudged truth.

Here are the questions:

In your own faith:

• Are you ready, spiritually, to acknowledge that certain leaders in your parish or diocese may not yet be disciples of Jesus?  I know many wonderful people in our parish, but would not be ready to state who is not a disciple of Jesus for multiple reasons.  1) I do not know their faith stories and 2) I am not a person who could/would render that sort of judgment.  Here, it seems the person I should be most concerned with developing into a disciple, is myself and those in my family.  To me, the result would be, others get pulled deeper in, so I guess the answer would be no.  I am not ready to acknowledge such a reality, not because it doesn't exist, but because I am not sure that is my job/vocation within the Parish.
• Are you prepared to treat those persons graciously?  To let go of past hurts?  To respect them as they make their journey to discipleship?  What I am willing to do, is pray for my parish, and for those I know, peripherally and personally, in positions of authority  and otherwise, as all of us try to make this journey to become true disciples, whether we have yet to take the first real deliberate step, have stopped moving, or are struggling with going backwards, and to trust that being an authentic witness, and working with the Holy Spirit, we will have what within us that is broken be healed, and be pulled toward more authentic following of Jesus.

In your parish:

• What is the spiritual atmosphere in your parish?  Tired.  Busy. We are a parish of Marthas.  We do everything. We do all the time. There are 11 masses, there are three different languages, there is a 6 day a week soup kitchen, a pantry that gives out groceries, a school, the school is also the Parish Hall and it is open from 7 in the morning until 9 every single day.  We have adoration, but few know of it, and there is a code to get into the room, so impulsive visits to the Blessed Sacrament are difficult.  There is mass and confession 6 days a week.  There is a lot of good. A lot of good, both out of habit and genuine thirst to do what is holy, but there is also a weariness that is tangible.  At first I thought it was the economy, but to me, is a sense that we never merely are, we always are doing.  Again, I may be projecting.
• Have you noticed any change over the past several years?  Less zeal.  Less energy. Everyone is worn.  We have fewer volunteers.  Our Parish is divided by language.  There are moments of great hope, like the Parish Picnic was a bridge builder, but there need to be more of them.  
• If God were to ask you to mentor a small group of seeking and new disciples in your parish, would you be ready to accept that task?  Here is the question that struck me hardest. I am not sure.  (That's a rare thing for me to say, I love volunteering, I love people, I love writing/thinking about my faith and sharing it).  However that puts the focus on ME.  And that's something that I know to be a problem.  Great talker, lousy listener.  Not sure I would be a good mentor, because my natural tendency to jump in and explain or talk or share, would crowd others out.  For me to say, I'm not sure is huge.  I can't tell if it is a sign of spiritual growth in acknowledging a fault, or a push from the Holy Spirit to sublimate myself should the situation arise.  I know whenever I am asked to do anything, the first impulse is "Yes."  However, I recently began saying "No." and oddly, the world didn't end, but I did mourn that saying "no." but also know, that mourning was in part ego wishing it could have been the one doing.    

Then I went back and reread the question. And this was my honest response.  If God asks, I would say yes.  

 There is just something in me that always wants to say yes but it does get crowded by ego and my life has been one of passive zeal, if God presented it to me, I went at it. I am the equivalent of God's puppy. You want me to come? I'll come. Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! You want me to come. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!  Wait....what are we doing?  Great!  Not very reflective. The key difference, if I would be a disciple, is the active willing it.  I'm just not sure what that means yet in terms of action, as I've almost always simply responded.   

Lawn Chair Catechism (I know, back to back)

This week, for discussion at Catholicmom.com, we are discussing initial curiosity, which is a call of the soul to the Creator, when the soul wakes up to God, and begins to grasp out, desiring to understand and to know Him, more than senses and intellect and experience combined have revealed absent active pursuit. 

In your own faith:

• Can you remember when you became “curious” about the faith – whether as a convert, revert, or cradle Catholic just waking up to mature discipleship?
• How would you explain the difference between an active and passive faith?

I know myself in particular, I am constantly being reminded of my appalling dearth of curiosity. But we're supposed to be drawn in deeper, to become curiouser and curiouser when it comes to fathoming the infinite mystery that is God.  

Thus I can state, I grow in fitful and sometimes manic spurts of fervent curiosity, followed by exhausted overwhelmed slack.    At the start the Year of Faith, I was doing the daily rosary, reading a psalm a day, reading the daily readings and then it got to be too much, and like a child made to read something beyond her comprehension, I shut down and fell away to doing nothing.  Then, I got pushed to start again.  I am a lurching runner in this faith marathon, who walks and sometimes just stands, but hasn't quit trying to push through all of it.  

Seven years ago, when I started writing in earnest, I created a file on my computer, the Catholic Apologist Education file, and began collecting articles I liked, websites, and began seeking to know more, to read more, to actually pick up books on faith.  Before then, I admit, I allowed my Catholicism to be formed purely by experience and the senses, but not the intellect.  

So I would argue, an active faith uses everything we have, whereas a passive one allows some part of the mind, body or heart to sleep, so that the soul stays less aware, is less likely to be seized by the words of God and thus called to leap in some fashion, into deeper relationship.   We are always in danger of falling asleep (even the apostles did this on serious occasions), and so Jesus even says, "Stay awake!"  I would also say, the Holy Spirit uses whatever we give Him, to try and wake the whole of us.   So if we are active in the mind in our pursuits of God, He will bring us people, so that we may know Him better.  If we are active in the body in our pursuit of God, He will push us toward prayer.  If we are fervent in prayer, He will push us toward contemplation.  Whatever we are doing, is baseline, God will always draw us to deeper waters, because He longs for us to know Him infinitely. 

How do we keep from slumbering in our relationship with God? Read.  Pray.  Listen.  Act.  Repeat.

An active faith is deliberate, and thus adult.  A passive faith is organic and led only, which eventually leads to not seeking to be led, and then to not following, and then not faith.   

Lawn Chair Catechism

In chapter five we explore the first threshold, “Initial Trust."

 This is not the same as an active, personal faith.  It is a positive association with the Church that makes it possible to move closer to God.  It could be a Catholic friend, a good experience with a Catholic school or hospital, or maybe even a positive image of the faith portrayed in a movie or book:
The first task of evangelization is to find out if a bridge of trust already exists.

. . . Many don’t trust God or the Church, by they do trust a Christian in their life.  Maybe they trust you.  You may be the bridge that will one day lead them to a life-changing encounter with Christ.

For discussion: Join the conversation over at Catholicmom.com!

In your own faith:

• How was the bridge of trust built for you?
• Who are the people who helped you to come as far as you have in your personal journey?
• Have you ever been that link of trust for another person?

For me, the bridge of trust in God was built prayer by prayer, mass by mass, person by person. That sounds a bit trite but it is how faith has grown in me.   People think because I have ten children, I always had a full Catholic life, but to be Catholic is to constantly recognize that your faith life is not full, that it is a drop in the ocean, that it will never be full, that we will never have "made it."  I can see where I have gone from a casual Catholic 2-3 mass or 1-2 if the month was bad...to a more conscious Catholic --where the mass became important..to a praying Catholic....where daily prayer became necessary, if not always pious, good or disciplined....to now as I am casting about, holding fast and waiting for firm direction as to what we are to do and the grace to do it.   This growth in devotion has seasoned over years and has ebbs and flows and miracles and times of extreme zeal and of fitful forgetfulness. 

When have I been a bridge of trust to others?   When I have been approached to pray. It is always an honor and a privilege to be asked to pray, and I am always moved, particularly when I am asked by people who do not know me well, and it has happened.  It is a tremendous thing that causes me to tremble, when I am asked.  I take it seriously because it is a charge, and a push both from the person and the Holy Spirit, to deepen my own relationship with God while petitioning for someone else.  

People who have helped me on my journey...aside from my husband, parents and children, there have been people who were pushers to move me to the next level of devotion, to move me out of my comfort zone, to make my "aren't I doing enough?" whiny soul move. God perpetually "moves my cheese."

To begin:  I prayed before going to college, that I would meet someone who loved me for me.  On the third day, I met the man who would become my husband.  I'd also prayed to have lots of people who loved me.  Ten kids constitutes a lot.   Some times I suddenly am struck, this prayer, this prayer you prayed has been answered. The thought comes like lightning, random and yet illuminating and I am dumbstruck in the moment. I knew my prayer was answered with the explanation point that was my daughter Anna, the tenth.  I could hear God laughing, answering, "I will give you all you ask and more besides."  Initial trust led to more intimate trust. 

The story arc continues.  When my oldest son was set to go to kindergarten, we couldn't get into the school, and I was told to get involved in the parish if this was my desire.  Trusting this advice, I signed up. The church came back and asked me to volunteer for a three year commitment of once a week meetings.  Somehow, I impulsively took a deep breath and agreed.  We trusted, and as I was pulled deeper in, my family followed.  We kept trusting as God gave us our fourth and then...when we got to five children, I was introduced to Father Dan.  He pulled us deeper in with requiring more regular prayer out of me, he pulled us to making it to mass every week.  Paul and his needs pushed us further still. 

Now we are here, we are going to mass, we are praying, and I know we're at one of those "Now what?" type moments of our faith, when we don't know how we're going to keep doing this but we're still doing this, and even writing this has made me realize, we're needing someone to help direct us deeper in, to help make the next part of our faith journey, more deliberate.  But to move forward, will once again require on our part, initial trust. 

Lawn Chair Catechism

It can be hard to settle our minds on the idea of “cooperating with grace”.  How would you explain the Catholic doctrine on salvation to others?

It is easier to see in my life where I have in the past "cooperated with grace" than to explain how I might be doing it in the present.  At present, I am keenly aware of all the moments when I am NOT cooperating with grace, by omission, or by poor stewardship of time, or by refusing to do the more because I fear the labor will be more than I can bear.  I can know I cooperated with God's grace for example in Paul's existence, in the days leading up to Faith's birth, in all of my pregnancies. Maybe not immediately, maybe not with even a scintilla of the gentleness of Mary, but I came haltingly, grumbling, grousing, shuffling like a sulky child eventually to do God's will.  Grace is God's work in me to which I respond.  The kid who does what the father asks, even if initially he says no, is doing the Father's will.  I am that kid.  

What struck me in this chapter of Sherry Wendell's Forming Intentional Disciples, is that to be a disciple is to will to follow Christ, to put your hand to the plow and not look back.  You have to will to do the work. It is no longer an organic process you fall into, it is a deliberative choice to be set apart, and to act.  I am immediately struck with "How?" and "Where" and "What?" I don't know what God wants. He hasn't briefed me.  Then I am struck again.  Have I asked?  Am I listening to His answer?  I know I will know if I ask.  Am I afraid to ask? 

Yes.  To ask to be a disciple is to be asked again, "Do you know of the cup that I will drink? Can you drink of it?" and to say "Yes." again.   It is a timorous thing.  And yet, who should not want to ask for that drink? 

So I say yes again and hope God will show me quickly and push me on my way so I don't lose my nerve or look back or try to slip back into hoping the sacraments will complete the work in me that God has planned.  The sacraments can complete the work in me, but only if I will to be the work and the word to others.   I'm reminded of Flannery O'Connor's, "She thought she could be a martyr if they killed her quickly."  Cooperating with grace if one looks at today's readings, often requires the very urgent pulling of angels to prevent the sluggish soul from lingering in complacency or sin. 

So how do you cooperate with Grace? What does that entail? What does it mean and how do you know?  You read/study God's word. You look to integrate what God says in your life and your heart, and you stay close to the sacraments and trust.  You trust in He whom the wind and sea obey, that He will calm the storms in our hearts and even in our lives, that to be a disciple of Jesus, is to trust His friendship, to trust his judgment, to follow obediently even when the waters are rough and the temptation is to say, "Lord save us, we are perishing." 

I joked to my husband that to be a disciple is to be a Flying Walinda of faith.  He pointed out that they sometimes use a safety cable, this is harder and more incredible than walking across Niagara falls or the Grand Canyon, this is walking on water and moving mountains.   One has to follow Jesus to get in the boat to go into deep waters, and one has to really Trust Jesus beyond human comprehension, (grace) to get out of the boat.  

...and I didn't even get to the second question, how would I explain the Catholic doctrine of salvation to others...except I would say...Thank God for His Justice, Thank God for His Mercy.  Whatever He wills, is right even if I cannot see the why.  

Lawn Chair Catechism Week 3

Over at Catholicmom.com, you can participate in  the third session of Lawn Chair Catechism, using Forming Intentional Disciples: The Path to Knowing and Following Jesus, by Sherry Weddell (Our Sunday Visitor, 2012).  I downloaded it and am enjoying her easy reading style that still drills down to the core of what it means to be a follower of Jesus, i.e. to have an actual daily working intimate conversation/relationship with God.

• Are you comfortable talking with others about your relationship with God? Yes.  Most of the time.  I'm not sure if it is because I'm comfortable talking, or I'm comfortable having a relationship with God, or comfortable talking about God because it might be a means of not actually talking with God, talking about Him. 

• Would you say that you’re a “normal” Catholic using the criteria outlined? What was the criteria? Here's what was laid out on the homepage of Catholicmom.com:
•   . . It is NORMAL for lay Catholics to be excited Christian activists.
• . . . It is NORMAL for lay Catholics to be knowledgeable of their faith, the Scriptures, the doctrinal and moral teachings of the Church, and the history of the Church.
• . . . It is NORMAL for lay Catholics to have fellowship of other committed lay Catholics available to them, to encourage, nurture, and discern as they attempt to follow Jesus.

• So...am I a "normal" Catholic. 
• Criteria #1  I think I am naturally preset as enthusiastic, but again, that may be me being me and not me being about God, but about myself. It is a struggle for me to recognize it is not all about me. Thus it is important that I have lots of other people to pay attention to in my daily life. But I can also use them as a shield to hide from having a conversation with God, and thus avoid Him by being with people as well (under the argument of duty), as well as via my own tendency to be self absorbed.   I am enthusiastic to be Catholic, I'm not sure I am a Christian activist yet.
• Criteria #2  This is a subject I am working on improving. I've read Kreeft's Catholic Christianity --an excellent readable easily digestible version of the catechism and several saint's works and the Magnificat daily when I can find my copy.  But the more I read, the more I realize that I am a rank amateurs' amateur.  I was put off on the History of the Church by a History of the Church teacher, not because of the subject but the person.  Now, I don't know where I would start, but I do know, it is a weakness in the armor of my faith.  I am still a baby jedi of the faith.
• Criteria #3 Do feel this is an area I am working on constantly. When I went to the Parish picnic, I was struck by all these people of faith, working so hard to live it out, and how glad I was to be counted in their company, and how much I very much want this fellowship in my life. Probably need to formalize some of this though. 
• I look at the criteria and recognize the flaw for me in all criteria I examined, is the same, an organic response --that of a child to stimuli, rather than that of an adult, and to be an adult in faith, I'm going to have to will some of this into being by cooperating with God's grace (ah, there's the rub) and surrendering my will to do otherwise. 
• This is not to say I do not have some grasp of my faith, only that I need to knuckle down and do the work of engaging God and others through that relationship.  I need to hold that moment in the mass that is my favorite: after the Eucharist, when everyone is with Jesus, all of us bringing our crosses, our prayers, our whole lives to the altar, all of us asking for the yoke to be easier, or the grace to bear what we must, and then, I need to mindfully go out and serve.    

Lawn Chair Catechism Week Two

I'm enjoying the reflective component of participating in Lawn Chair Catechism.  You can participate too, even if you don't get Sherry Wendell's book,  Forming Intentional Disciples: The Path to Knowing and Following Jesus, (Our Sunday Visitor, 2012).

This exercise is designed for both the individual called to discipleship, and the parish at large, but since I cannot speak for my parish, I am only a member, I will focus on the individual component.

Have you always been Catholic? Yes. Catholic school, grade, high, college and even graduate school.  It helped. 

How did the instruction and mentoring you received help you – or prevent you – from having a personal relationship with God? My mom and dad permeated my life with Catholicism. It wasn't until I left home --like really no longer being immersed in a community that reminded me of my faith, that I got a bit lost, but I did get a bit lost, i.e. becoming a 2x a month visitor...3 during the high seasons, not quite recognizing what I was losing while knowing I was losing something all the same.  I did however acquire the habit of regular prayer from my folks and the many examples of God answering "yes."

If you were raised in a Catholic home, are your family members all still Catholic?

Most are steeped in their faith.  I don't feel I should speculate or discuss a faith story that is not my own. I do know, what makes us followers of Christ is a sense 1) that we know God is and that 2) He is profoundly interested in our lives, in our happiness. 

How do we come to know the first fact and thus the second?

In my own life, it was the efficacy of prayer. I knew we prayed. I prayed for certain things. I also understood or had the grace of knowing when my prayers had been answered, yes, no, wait.  God was not a genii, but He remained present in all things, I couldn't miss Him. 

Having parents that prayed, that went to mass more than weekly, that told us to pray whenever we had a problem no matter how seemingly hard/small, as part of the process and who would ask if we were still grousing, "Did you pray?" helped.  So prayer. Daily talks and walks with God, no matter the method, Dad's favorite was the rosary, Mom read the daily readings or went to mass, helped instill prayer as a first response to all things such that my own kids roll their eyes when I say the same thing.   Even though they also swear that I have Saint Anthony on speed dial given his response to my requests. 

How do we know He is profoundly interested in our lives? For me, it is the daily readings of scripture, that seem always when I need it, to speak directly to whatever it is that is going on in my life.  You would think I'd know and be used to coming to the mass or the readings and finding God's words written just for me by now. But I am always shocked to the core when the gospel or psalm or the songs line up to explain to me whatever it is I am pondering and how immediate the understanding is, almost before thinking, as if these words or thoughts were always written on my heart, I just had not read them yet.  

How do I teach this to the next generation?  This is the challenge of every parent. 

We're taking them to mass. We pray daily. They hear the stories of our faith struggles.  I'm hoping, all this witness sticks.  I do worry that sometimes, they only see the duty and not the joy, or that they don't recognize that this is joy when they feel overwhelmed by the level of craziness of our everyday.  When this worry tempts me to become anxious, I use the rosary as my lifeline to talk to God and discover all the things I've been carrying around. Petitioning with each Hail Mary, I feel very confident laying everything at Mary's feet, the big and the little stuff. 

But ultimately, some of my strongest memories of childhood come from having a family, even an extended family, that would go to mass together and then feast on a regular basis.  Sundays at mass and then a meal with cousins and uncles and aunts and friends, fried chicken and eggs benedict and bacon, grits and tamales.  This was a ritual.  Mass mattered, it mattered to the whole family, the tall and the small. 

And it wasn't just my family. Sundays at the Newman center where my parents volunteered as retreat coordinators, with the college students who said mass and played guitar and talked about Who am I, Who am I in relation to others and Who am I in relation to God...or that's what my brain remembers from the posters they'd make when I was allowed to tag along and listen and draw pictures illustrating whatever they said.  My drawings had probably more bunnies and rainbows than they talked about, but the substance despite going over my head, sunk in eventually.  Mass was central. Mass mattered.  Mass was the essence of our faith. 

So what do we do to be disciples...pray, witness, and feast on the Eucharist, and afterwards with each other.  Sounds like a fun way to live. 

Lawn Chair Catechism, Week One

Welcome to the first session of Lawn Chair Catechism.  I've included the link to Sarah Reinhard's piece over at Catholic Mom.  I downloaded the book for my PC and will be participating.  I loved the questions. 

 

 

How would I describe my lived relationship with God to this point in my life?

It is amazing to me how that question led to such a quiet yet familiar place.  He has always been there. I have at my fingertips, 1000 miracles, 1000 moments where I knew God loved me for me, no matter how stupid, foolish, arrogant, lazy, disorganized, mad or ignorant I was.  I could list times when I've howled to God, and times when I've begged, and times when I've felt His presence and known that prayers have been answered.  How would I describe my lived relationship with God to this point in my life?  I have been heavily courted, lavishly showered with grace, all to show me that all He requires is my obedience and my gift of trust in Him.  God has knocked every day, every moment of every hour.   Sometimes, I have opened my heart.   Sometimes, I have not. 

But whenever I've talked to God the Father, He has answered. He is faithful. He is listening. He is ever loving and always generous. It is hard not to sound rhapsodic.  The darkest and most unhappy I have ever been, God has been there, I was not alone. 

My relationship with Jesus has always needed more work. I love His words and I love the Eucharist, but I often feel I keep Christ at more of a distance than I do God the Father.  I hesitate in prayers directly to Jesus.  It is here that my relationship with God reveals its brokenness. Over the years, meditation on the Rosary has helped to pull me further in, but I need all the help of all the mysteries to become more familiar with Mary's son.  

The Holy Spirit and I have always been deep friends.  I wear a medal that is a replica of the one I received back in 1974 when my tracheonomy was removed.  The Holy Spirit I have always loved and felt, I knew something of this Great Advocate. I remember my Confirmation, I wanted to feel the whoosh of being given that grace. I didn't feel it, but I knew it anyway. However, because I always felt familiar with the Holy Spirit, I did not until recently begin to seriously study what the gifts of the Pentecost mean, what being on fire with the Holy Spirit does to the soul.  But I'm perpetually reminded that an organic relationship with anyone is insufficient to develop it into a deeper one, ergo I need to go beyond simply sending up a Hail Mary or a prayer when I need something or feel something deeply. 

Thus I am starting to recognize, we are always at baseline, for coming to know God is diving into the mystery of perfect love, of infinite love, and that is an inexhaustible relationship that will always draw us deeper. All acts in conformity with God's will are deliberate.  Thus, we can never become accidental saints.  I need to start being deliberate in relationship with God, out of love for God, rather than have to have life constantly remind me I need to pray or I need to talk to God or I need to act out of love to others. 

What does the word “discipleship” mean to you?  Do you perceive a need in the Church today to help lay Catholics become more fervent followers of Jesus Christ?

Discipleship means more than friend and more than follower. To me, it means faithful servant, who feeds the poor, who prays and receives the sacraments frequently, and whose mission as called by God, is always to go outward, to catch more fish.  

The problem is our modern world encourages sitting, resting on our relationship with others, keeping all friendships in a permanent static level, with little shared and no suffering.  To those who seek a relationship with God, haven't you done enough? Don't you pray enough? Aren't you worried about being a fanatic? 

Yes, yes I am worried.  Because I am a fearful thing who likes to be liked but I know,
we can never serve, love, give or pray enough, nor can our hearts be satisfied with less than the infinity that is God.  God gave me ten children. There is always a need that is not yet being met. There is always a need for more love, more time, more sublimating of self.  I admittedly have a long list of times when I've essentially stomped and said, "No! I will not serve." and then been crushed until I said, "Okay."  Because God has mercifully not given up on eroding away all my stubbornness. I suspect He wants to use me as bait.

The Catholic Church needs all the members of its body to be more fervent followers of Jesus Christ.  We want to see everyone at the wedding feast, so we want no one left behind.  No one forgotten. The only way we can catch the most souls, is if we're all out there fishing.  


Where do I need to grow and go?  Always, outward, always deeper, always more than what I do, and less.  My spirit is noisy.  I have trouble listening. I like the sound of my own voice, which sometimes means I cannot hear God's whispers.  I scare away the fish with my noise.  I need to learn to be like Mary, to be still and know.