Roll of Not Fitting

Being Catholic means we are to side with the downfallen, the ostrasized, the minimized, the marginizalized, the poor, the weak, any and all of those who cannot speak for themselves.  It also means, we should expect a cost.   

The cost has been coming.  

From the youngest of ages, I've always wanted to "fit in." and honestly, never felt I did.   

As an adult for a time, I "fit in" with the Catholic media to which I aspired, I wrote for places I wanted to be part of, and felt like one of the cool kids.   However, recent decisions have indicated, I need to be okay with being not even part of the B-team.   These past sixteen years, I've written for multiple Catholic pubications, even spoken on many.  I've been a big fan of Catholic media, supporting it with my time, my talent, my treasure, and many of the names became surrogate friends, affirming for me values I held dear.  

However, the media keeps warping, and to my heart, no longer speaks with a humble heart, but with an authoritative insistence, about what should be one's priority, and what is permissible to be ignored.  Tribalism has crept into the land of the Catholic media. I feel it in the earth, I smell it in the air, and there is a darkness when it comes to how we treat each other, when we disagree, and a dark joy people have when they can tear down another.   It's part of what prompted planning a conference to help form a Catholic media community.  

No amount of telling myself, "I'm a small fry" and pushing it away won't make a difference lets me ignore the reality, the media Mother Angelica made, isn't what it was, or at the moment, what she hoped.  It's become something less than Catholic, because it isn't universal anymore, it's exclusive.  It ignores what it does not like, silences those who try to break it open, and champions people and positions that are not in keeping with the teachings of the Church in favor of what is in keeping with holding onto power.   It dismisses the Pope and idolizes the president.

Last time I checked, disagreeing with the teaching of the Church, and taking on and/or dismissing the pope made one something other than Catholic.  It hurts to let go because I wanted to belong, but more than that, I want the network to be what it says it aspires to be.  It still has hints and reminders and moments, but it, like all of us is fallen.  It's just that, it seems to not know that anymore. 

I heard my brain saying, "Sherry, what are you doing?" "Sherry, don't be stupid." and "Sherry, you have a conference and a book coming out and...and, and..."  and "Why not wait?" 

However, GK Chesterton talked about being a person of faith being like a fish that must swim upstream...which would mean, always fighting the current, being pulled against what is easy, and what is faster.  

This year, a friend of mine and her colleagues were let go from their radio program, "Morning Glory," because she spoke up against the evils of racism when the world was willing to listen. She spoke from the heart because the nation had seen with their own eyes, the rotten fruit of silence --Abery's death, George Floyd's death, Breonna Taylor... the list unfortunately goes on.   

There are lots of voices that argued, the discontent at these people's death was funded by George Soros and Anitifta, but Gloria they couldn't silence with such a claim. She wasn't left of center, she was and is Catholic.  She wasn't willing to refuse to speak against an evil.  She wasn't willing to be safe by being silent.  She suffered for the Gospel by losing affiliates and eventually lost her job because she swam upstream against the current, against the whispers of what was prudent and safe and protected.   She didn't stand by the charcoal fire and warm herself and seek not to be noticed.  She let herself be used by God as a voice, which doesn't mean success in the eyes of the world as much as we might wish it did.  

When you are willing to lose for love, you're willing to love.  She did.   

Back to now...some people who are Catholic were dismissive of her dismissal, saying she shouldn't have spoken about such things and all I could think is, "Catholicism is supposed to be a happy religion. Let's not bicker and argue over who killed who."  and "but for Wales?" Safety was Wales and silence, security with the promise of accolades and appearances and approval.  Sanctity meant risk, disapproval, and being shouted down by those who didn't like hearing anything unpleasant or unsettling.  

The Gospel of Tranquility where we are all just one big happy fleet, vs. the actual Gospel, where we embrace the cross and know, we will get more than splinters.  

I am working on a book of mediations on the words of the Doctors of the Church, and over and over again, they emphasize, we only love God as much as we love our neighbors. Saint Teresa of Avila said, "We cannot know whether we love God, although there may be strong reason for thinking so; but there can be no doubt about whether we love our neighbor or not. Be sure that, in proportion as you advance in fraternal charity, you are increasing your love of God…” (St. Teresa of Avila, Doctor of the Church, Interior Castle, Fifth Mansion, Chapter 3).    When I quoted her to someone who felt my friend shouldn't have been bringing up racism, here is what he said:

The great Doctor doesn't say that advance in love of neighbor causes increase in love of God. And you are talking about Moral Certitude vs. Absolute Certitude which is a Theological distinction which applies to levels of Knowledge that a soul can have with respect to their relationship with God. This has no bearing on the reality that Love of God precedes and enables Love of Neighbor. There is a reason why Love of God is the First Great Commandment, and love of Neighbor the 2nd. God alone is Infinite Love, not human beings. Ergo, only to the extent that one has God, is united to God, particiaptes in His Divine Nature, is a soul capable of authentically love his/her neighbor. Man on his own can't advance in Love or love neighbor more. He must 1st possess the increase in Divine Love and Then, be capable of Loving others more with this acquired growth in Charity.

And: 

 "God did the dividing for us when He made 2 Distinct Commandments. You can't give what you don't have, and you can only give as much as you have. Only to the extent that one participates in the Divine Nature - do they possess Divine Love. And, you can only give Divine Love if you have it, and as much of it as you have. If you are St. Mother Teresa, you can love neighbors very much, BEACUSE you have LOTS of God. Love of God comes 1st - then Love of Neighbor. God ordained it this way quite explicitly in Scripture."

To me, that treats the gift, the grace of love like a finite source when we know love is infinite.  It presumes that we cannot somehow all love our neighbors, because some of us do not have enough ourselves to give out. 

I am not sure how I am not loving God if I love my neighbor. I am certain I'm not loving God if I don't love my neighbor.  I know we do not love God if we cannot see Him in the suffering face of our neighbor, in the suffering face of our enemies, in the suffering faces of strangers, in the suffering faces of suffering.  Further, we do not love God if we think we do not owe Lazarus at the gate, our gifts, our time, our talents, our treasure, our friendship.  We do not love God if we think we must somehow splice or divide our love of God from our love of neighbor, or that in loving one, we fail to love the other.  I do not cease to love my husband to the extent I love my children. I do not cease to love God to the extent I love those He made for love, and commanded me as part of my vocation to serve.  I love God only to the extent I love those He made for love and commanded me as part of my vocation to serve.  God is love, ergo whenever I show love, I am revealing the God who is love to others.  That is the mission of every soul.   The more we seek to reveal God, the more God will through us, reveal Himself.  

I also know, whatsoever I do to any of my brothers, I do unto God. 

This year, I prayed for friends, so God spent the year illustrating to me how to be a better one.  Being a better one means not staying silent, not being safe.  So, I am giving up that spot on the B-team.  Catholicism has to grate to make us grateful for our Savior. Catholicism must demand something of our spirit, of who we are, because love is always based on sacrifice.   

Goodbye EWTN.  I will miss what you were and wait in joyful hope that you may one day become again so I can return.