Fortunately, I have lots of passionate people in my life, at work, on my facebook feed, and hearing and reading their responses to world events helped. Their energy and interests helped me recognize an unhealthy detatchment and mourn all these lost stories. As if to bring it home with a resounding "Hey Sherry, can't miss this!" one student in a class asked me, "What's zeal mean?" Answer, the opposite of what I'd shown.
Lent is one of those seasons of the Church which helps me rediscover almost always the same lesson I’m refusing to learn. I lack discipline in my will. Fasting, in addition to allowing me the opportunity to make reparations for the damage I’ve done to the world by my own sin, fasting or rather, the discovery of how poor I am at fasting, teaches me all the ways in which I avoid noticing what I lack. Opening the computer, I’d shut it back down again. I'd tell myself good reasons. I’m tired. I need rest. Being a slave to appetite, to impulse and to time, I lost something precious. I tried to joke to myself I’m fasting from writing, but I wasn’t wanting to write and opting to surrender that desire, I was not writing and waiting for desire to take me back to it.
Looking back at the words, I found a lot of “I’s.” in the work, hammering home where and with whom the problem lay. I'm guessing my muse forgave me because I woke up and felt pushed until I started writing. Pushed out of sleep, pushed out of bed, and pushed until the words came spilling out and it didn't matter what time it was, they had to be typed. The love of words for words sake restarted. I still needed to know why.
Always writing to be published didn't allow for the sort of free association thinking involved in writing as play. As writing became more work, the work of writing demanded more, and it meant I never just allowed writing to be only my thoughts, only chasing down every rabbit hole my brain opened. I'd even been thinking about closing my blog because all the writing was "professional."
However, the playground of the blog allows for more randomness and is a means of maintaining the discipline of the 500 words. It's the home for all the 500 words which don't have some other place they could go.
And so, I begin again, so as to continue becoming.