But I took my kids to McDonalds to celebrate my second son's birthday lunch.
My oldest went to secure a table. We need a big one as you might imagine, and my second oldest ushered everyone into the play room where the table was, while I ordered with my youngest strapped down in a high chair.
The youngers ran to the play ground, began taking off their shoes and going into the tubes.
An 8 year old girl comes over to the table where my son is sitting and swipes at his arm, scratching him. "HEY! We were sitting here."
The table was clear of debris. The girl and her father or father figure had been leaving.
My son --according to his sister, "I'm sorry, no one was here and we're getting ready to eat as soon as my mom comes back with the food."
Father figure "You should move because my little Marcy is more important than you are."
My son "Well, that may be true, but I have seven other siblings. I think we trump Marcy."
They left.
__________________________________
A friend who reads this blog on a consistent basis said, "After reading, I always feel like I need a nap."
Chocolate for your Brain, it cures insomnia, exhaustion and the possibility of overwork!
Things to look forward to...working on a piece concerning traditions and birthday celebrations that has nothing to do with the very important little Marcy.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Sunday, July 27, 2008
An Interview with Captain Billy
Hello.
Today, we had the good fortune to make contact with Captain Billy of the Pirate Parenting Guide, (link to your right) as taken down by Tim Bete on cocktail napkins between purchases of alcohol. Tim is a parent, published humorist and organizer of the Erma Bombeck Conference. Having purchased the book myself and read a good bit of it this summer, I still had questions for the Captain for those parents out there considering the commitment involved in raising Pirates rather than mere accountants, lawyers, teachers or other civic minded peoples.
If you have a question for Captain Billy, email me and I'll see if he might give us another visit for a bottle of good rum.
1) What do we do when one child shows a predisposition to be more of an Orlando Bloom type pirate than a Jack Sparrow?
Send him to Hollywood and keep him away from yer ship.
2) How do we explain the near unwatchableness of Pirates of the Carribean II and III to our brigadeers?
I can't remember watching either of those movies. But when I find two empty rum bottles in the morning, I usually can't remember much of the night before.
3) The crew nearly muntinied over last night's dinner of turkey burgers, boiled corn and raw carrots. Any tips on how to quell such an uprising?
Kids like to help prepare their own food. Next time, let the turkey go in the backyard and give each kid a dagger.
4) The economy is bad these days, there are precious few opportunities for looting and pillaging. What's an entreprenural pirate to do for extra pieces of eight?
The economy is bad? Not for a pirate. The profit margins on plundering are as high as ever. Besides, I invested in oil company stock five years ago. I got an insider tip from am oil company executive I was about to make walk the plank.
5) Can a pirate be an O's fan?
By "O" I assume you mean "octopus." I like 'em deep fried but not when giant ones be attacking me ship.
6) When the teacher complains about the fact that our son is signing all of his papers "X," she's dissatisfied with our explanation that we are committed to raising a future generation of pirates. Has there been any court cases which might support our chosen way of life where the parents weren't subsequently sent to jail and the home/compound bulldozed?
It sound like the teacher doesn't support cultural diversity. I'd report her to the school board for insensitivity to buccaneers. You might also try bribing her.
7) Do you know where we can get good financing on a Ship of the Line?
I use the "no money down" method in which I steal another ship when its crew is in port. I can handle those kind of payments.
Thanks for your time Captain Billy. Here's the rum I promised.
I do have to admit, telling kids it's time to swab the deck or I'll Kehawl yeh is much more satisfying emotionally than saying "For the fifth time,Clean your room!"
Proud to plug a fellow writer's published pieces and help out a good guy. For more fun try Humor-Blogs.com
Today, we had the good fortune to make contact with Captain Billy of the Pirate Parenting Guide, (link to your right) as taken down by Tim Bete on cocktail napkins between purchases of alcohol. Tim is a parent, published humorist and organizer of the Erma Bombeck Conference. Having purchased the book myself and read a good bit of it this summer, I still had questions for the Captain for those parents out there considering the commitment involved in raising Pirates rather than mere accountants, lawyers, teachers or other civic minded peoples.
If you have a question for Captain Billy, email me and I'll see if he might give us another visit for a bottle of good rum.
1) What do we do when one child shows a predisposition to be more of an Orlando Bloom type pirate than a Jack Sparrow?
Send him to Hollywood and keep him away from yer ship.
2) How do we explain the near unwatchableness of Pirates of the Carribean II and III to our brigadeers?
I can't remember watching either of those movies. But when I find two empty rum bottles in the morning, I usually can't remember much of the night before.
3) The crew nearly muntinied over last night's dinner of turkey burgers, boiled corn and raw carrots. Any tips on how to quell such an uprising?
Kids like to help prepare their own food. Next time, let the turkey go in the backyard and give each kid a dagger.
4) The economy is bad these days, there are precious few opportunities for looting and pillaging. What's an entreprenural pirate to do for extra pieces of eight?
The economy is bad? Not for a pirate. The profit margins on plundering are as high as ever. Besides, I invested in oil company stock five years ago. I got an insider tip from am oil company executive I was about to make walk the plank.
5) Can a pirate be an O's fan?
By "O" I assume you mean "octopus." I like 'em deep fried but not when giant ones be attacking me ship.
6) When the teacher complains about the fact that our son is signing all of his papers "X," she's dissatisfied with our explanation that we are committed to raising a future generation of pirates. Has there been any court cases which might support our chosen way of life where the parents weren't subsequently sent to jail and the home/compound bulldozed?
It sound like the teacher doesn't support cultural diversity. I'd report her to the school board for insensitivity to buccaneers. You might also try bribing her.
7) Do you know where we can get good financing on a Ship of the Line?
I use the "no money down" method in which I steal another ship when its crew is in port. I can handle those kind of payments.
Thanks for your time Captain Billy. Here's the rum I promised.
I do have to admit, telling kids it's time to swab the deck or I'll Kehawl yeh is much more satisfying emotionally than saying "For the fifth time,Clean your room!"
Proud to plug a fellow writer's published pieces and help out a good guy. For more fun try Humor-Blogs.com
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Better Parenting through Organizational Theory
All suffering has meaning. However discernment of that meaning is sometimes long in coming, if ever. This explains such realities as mosquitoes, the Cubs, several Saturday Night Live seasons in the early 90’s, and phone trees.
However, waiting for an air conditioning repairman who helpfully told me via automated message he’d be here today between 8 and 5, I had an epiphany. Maybe it was heat stroke. Stress from parenting could be mitigated to a much lower level if I simply adopted an organizational theory towards any and all potential crisis situations.
For those unfamiliar with the nuances of the business model that explains the organizational theory paradigm, think of every corporate entity as a huge amoeba. Any problem is viewed as an external threat, a stimulus like an electric shock that the amoeba attempts to diffuse such that it can remain unchanged by the experience. The whole point of such a structural arrangement is to devolve responsibility for all problems and issues such that no one is ultimately responsible for or capable of addressing the crisis.
Alternatively, the organization attempts to diffuse the anxiety and frustration on the part of aggrieved parties by delaying and parsing the problem at issue into insignificance. The billing company has nothing to do with the shipping company which has nothing to do with the manufacturing which has nothing to do with ordering or parts or technical support. Interconnectedness within an organization is kept secret from the outside to avoid a linking chain of responsibility. Hence the business gets to go on being a happy amoeba.
Knowledge may be power but knowing that corporations deliberately plan this hard to frustrate the consumer might lead to despair…or would except now I’m thinking…that could work for me.
“Mom! I need my swimsuit for Saturday.”
My middle daughter came to me, holding a bag containing at least two weeks of hidden laundry. Having spent the day before washing, drying and folding, having done a patrol for secret piles, having issued several calls for all dirty clothing, I had considered myself done for the week. Organizational theory to the rescue!
“I’m sorry, but my schedule is such that I can’t fit you in until next Wednesday.”
“But I need it in two days!”
“Sorry, but I’m booked. You might try other vendors providing laundry services. Otherwise, it’s Wednesday.”
“Fine! I’ll do it myself!” She stomped to the washing room and began working to take care of things.
I’m beginning to like this corporate paradigm. Just as I’m wondering if I can set hours for dinner, sometime between 8 and 5 tomorrow, a crisis occurs.
“Smack!” “Hey! Give that back!” “MOMMMMMMM!”
There is a race to the kitchen. I am sitting with my planner organizing the day.
“MOM MOM MOM MOM MOM!
Shehitmefornoreasonanditreallyreallyhurt!”
“NOIDIDN’TDIDN’TDIDN’TDIDN’T!”
Brain filing away the idea that my kids even tattle in iambic pentameter for another day’s article, I put out my hand. “Thank you for calling the Mom Helpline. For help in English, press the thumb now.”
My first grade daughter, bewildered, pushes my thumb.
“For emergencies involving blood or broken appliances, press the first finger.”
My preschool son is mesmerized, my daughter is smiling.
“For physical needs like food, water, bandages or dirty diapers, press the second finger.”
“For hugs, “I love yous,” stories read aloud or kisses, press the ring finger.” And I waved my fourth finger as a bit of extra customer service. My daughter presses it and gets a hug. My son does too and gets at kiss.
“For resolution of disputes such as fights, tattles, or unfair situations, press the pinky finger.”
My son touched the pinky.
“Thank you, please be advised that all calls may be monitored to ensure quality customer service. The current volume of calls may mean you are on hold for some time. Current estimated time of holding is five minutes.” I went over to the oven and set the timer.
“So can we talk to you yet?” My daughter asked.
“No, you’re on hold.” I explained.
“Oh.”
“How long are we on hold?”
“Well, I set the timer, so why don’t you go play or color while you wait?”
“Okay Mom!” “Thanks Mom!”
The two went off to play and the timer went off and no one returned.
“That went well.” I thought.
I’m one big happy mommy amoeba. Now, if only the air conditioning repairman would show up.
I'd be an even happier amoeba if you'ld go rate me at humor blogs...yes it's fixed now so you can give an opinion. So far, I have a 1.Humor-Blogs.com
However, waiting for an air conditioning repairman who helpfully told me via automated message he’d be here today between 8 and 5, I had an epiphany. Maybe it was heat stroke. Stress from parenting could be mitigated to a much lower level if I simply adopted an organizational theory towards any and all potential crisis situations.
For those unfamiliar with the nuances of the business model that explains the organizational theory paradigm, think of every corporate entity as a huge amoeba. Any problem is viewed as an external threat, a stimulus like an electric shock that the amoeba attempts to diffuse such that it can remain unchanged by the experience. The whole point of such a structural arrangement is to devolve responsibility for all problems and issues such that no one is ultimately responsible for or capable of addressing the crisis.
Alternatively, the organization attempts to diffuse the anxiety and frustration on the part of aggrieved parties by delaying and parsing the problem at issue into insignificance. The billing company has nothing to do with the shipping company which has nothing to do with the manufacturing which has nothing to do with ordering or parts or technical support. Interconnectedness within an organization is kept secret from the outside to avoid a linking chain of responsibility. Hence the business gets to go on being a happy amoeba.
Knowledge may be power but knowing that corporations deliberately plan this hard to frustrate the consumer might lead to despair…or would except now I’m thinking…that could work for me.
“Mom! I need my swimsuit for Saturday.”
My middle daughter came to me, holding a bag containing at least two weeks of hidden laundry. Having spent the day before washing, drying and folding, having done a patrol for secret piles, having issued several calls for all dirty clothing, I had considered myself done for the week. Organizational theory to the rescue!
“I’m sorry, but my schedule is such that I can’t fit you in until next Wednesday.”
“But I need it in two days!”
“Sorry, but I’m booked. You might try other vendors providing laundry services. Otherwise, it’s Wednesday.”
“Fine! I’ll do it myself!” She stomped to the washing room and began working to take care of things.
I’m beginning to like this corporate paradigm. Just as I’m wondering if I can set hours for dinner, sometime between 8 and 5 tomorrow, a crisis occurs.
“Smack!” “Hey! Give that back!” “MOMMMMMMM!”
There is a race to the kitchen. I am sitting with my planner organizing the day.
“MOM MOM MOM MOM MOM!
Shehitmefornoreasonanditreallyreallyhurt!”
“NOIDIDN’TDIDN’TDIDN’TDIDN’T!”
Brain filing away the idea that my kids even tattle in iambic pentameter for another day’s article, I put out my hand. “Thank you for calling the Mom Helpline. For help in English, press the thumb now.”
My first grade daughter, bewildered, pushes my thumb.
“For emergencies involving blood or broken appliances, press the first finger.”
My preschool son is mesmerized, my daughter is smiling.
“For physical needs like food, water, bandages or dirty diapers, press the second finger.”
“For hugs, “I love yous,” stories read aloud or kisses, press the ring finger.” And I waved my fourth finger as a bit of extra customer service. My daughter presses it and gets a hug. My son does too and gets at kiss.
“For resolution of disputes such as fights, tattles, or unfair situations, press the pinky finger.”
My son touched the pinky.
“Thank you, please be advised that all calls may be monitored to ensure quality customer service. The current volume of calls may mean you are on hold for some time. Current estimated time of holding is five minutes.” I went over to the oven and set the timer.
“So can we talk to you yet?” My daughter asked.
“No, you’re on hold.” I explained.
“Oh.”
“How long are we on hold?”
“Well, I set the timer, so why don’t you go play or color while you wait?”
“Okay Mom!” “Thanks Mom!”
The two went off to play and the timer went off and no one returned.
“That went well.” I thought.
I’m one big happy mommy amoeba. Now, if only the air conditioning repairman would show up.
I'd be an even happier amoeba if you'ld go rate me at humor blogs...yes it's fixed now so you can give an opinion. So far, I have a 1.Humor-Blogs.com
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