Better Parenting through Organizational Theory

All suffering has meaning. However discernment of that meaning is sometimes long in coming, if ever. This explains such realities as mosquitoes, the Cubs, several Saturday Night Live seasons in the early 90’s, and phone trees.

However, waiting for an air conditioning repairman who helpfully told me via automated message he’d be here today between 8 and 5, I had an epiphany. Maybe it was heat stroke. Stress from parenting could be mitigated to a much lower level if I simply adopted an organizational theory towards any and all potential crisis situations.

For those unfamiliar with the nuances of the business model that explains the organizational theory paradigm, think of every corporate entity as a huge amoeba. Any problem is viewed as an external threat, a stimulus like an electric shock that the amoeba attempts to diffuse such that it can remain unchanged by the experience. The whole point of such a structural arrangement is to devolve responsibility for all problems and issues such that no one is ultimately responsible for or capable of addressing the crisis.

Alternatively, the organization attempts to diffuse the anxiety and frustration on the part of aggrieved parties by delaying and parsing the problem at issue into insignificance. The billing company has nothing to do with the shipping company which has nothing to do with the manufacturing which has nothing to do with ordering or parts or technical support. Interconnectedness within an organization is kept secret from the outside to avoid a linking chain of responsibility. Hence the business gets to go on being a happy amoeba.

Knowledge may be power but knowing that corporations deliberately plan this hard to frustrate the consumer might lead to despair…or would except now I’m thinking…that could work for me.

“Mom! I need my swimsuit for Saturday.”

My middle daughter came to me, holding a bag containing at least two weeks of hidden laundry. Having spent the day before washing, drying and folding, having done a patrol for secret piles, having issued several calls for all dirty clothing, I had considered myself done for the week. Organizational theory to the rescue!

“I’m sorry, but my schedule is such that I can’t fit you in until next Wednesday.”

“But I need it in two days!”

“Sorry, but I’m booked. You might try other vendors providing laundry services. Otherwise, it’s Wednesday.”

“Fine! I’ll do it myself!” She stomped to the washing room and began working to take care of things.

I’m beginning to like this corporate paradigm. Just as I’m wondering if I can set hours for dinner, sometime between 8 and 5 tomorrow, a crisis occurs.

“Smack!” “Hey! Give that back!” “MOMMMMMMM!”

There is a race to the kitchen. I am sitting with my planner organizing the day.

“MOM MOM MOM MOM MOM!
Shehitmefornoreasonanditreallyreallyhurt!”

“NOIDIDN’TDIDN’TDIDN’TDIDN’T!”

Brain filing away the idea that my kids even tattle in iambic pentameter for another day’s article, I put out my hand. “Thank you for calling the Mom Helpline. For help in English, press the thumb now.”

My first grade daughter, bewildered, pushes my thumb.

“For emergencies involving blood or broken appliances, press the first finger.”

My preschool son is mesmerized, my daughter is smiling.

“For physical needs like food, water, bandages or dirty diapers, press the second finger.”

“For hugs, “I love yous,” stories read aloud or kisses, press the ring finger.” And I waved my fourth finger as a bit of extra customer service. My daughter presses it and gets a hug. My son does too and gets at kiss.

“For resolution of disputes such as fights, tattles, or unfair situations, press the pinky finger.”

My son touched the pinky.

“Thank you, please be advised that all calls may be monitored to ensure quality customer service. The current volume of calls may mean you are on hold for some time. Current estimated time of holding is five minutes.” I went over to the oven and set the timer.

“So can we talk to you yet?” My daughter asked.

“No, you’re on hold.” I explained.
“Oh.”
“How long are we on hold?”

“Well, I set the timer, so why don’t you go play or color while you wait?”

“Okay Mom!” “Thanks Mom!”

The two went off to play and the timer went off and no one returned.
“That went well.” I thought.

I’m one big happy mommy amoeba. Now, if only the air conditioning repairman would show up.

I'd be an even happier amoeba if you'ld go rate me at humor blogs...yes it's fixed now so you can give an opinion. So far, I have a 1.Humor-Blogs.com

Opening Lines

I've got 3 weeks to get ready for Erma Bombeck...here's a bit of my routine, still a work in progress...

"Hello, my name is Sherry Antonetti and I'm a mother of eight children. Now when you are a mom of that many, sometimes it's hard to transition to the adult world. So to the man at the table last night, whose wine I substituted with apple juice...and put in a sippy cup, and whose meat I cut, I'm very very sorry."

"I hadn't planned to come to this workshop, but then I had this dream. Anyone here have toddlers? Then you know who Bob the Builder is, yellow hat, blue overalls, talks with machines that are all primary colors and have googly eyes. He has a partner Wendy with a blonde pony tail and a cell phone, and they chant "Can We do it?" "Yes We Can!"

Anyway, when you have a dream about Bob and Wendy...
having a post coital conversation...
He's in a robe. She's in a button down shirt...
There's reminants of dinner on the table...maybe a fire softly flickering...
When you have THAT sort of a dream...

It's time for an intervention.

I told my husband about this dream.
Now we have a pretty good marriage, seventeen and a half years.
I told my husband about this dream, and he booked me on the next flight to Dayton.

It's been great. I've really enjoyed myself...I have all this time.
Seriously...what do you people do all day? I've brushed my teeth six times already...
just because I can.

I'm thinking of going to the gift store and buying some floss.

Yes...I'm living the dream...

Now raising eight kids is scary. Every time we have a new kid, it's scary. But you know the rule, if you want to stop being scared about something, do something even scarier...so I thought I'd try stand up comedy.

It's pretty cool.

There aren't many things at the age of 41 that one can do that are "cool" that don't involve the distinct possibility of major medical insurance being necessary...unless you count the possibility of psychological counseling for subconcious abuse of animated characters...

Parenting eight...
It's kind of like juggling...as long as you don't drop any of the balls that are in the air, you're okay. My problem? I never really learned to juggle past three...

I mean...when we had one or two, we had as my husband called it, man to man coverage.
Two kids...two adults...easy.
Three and four and five...we switched to zone defense and we bought a mini-van.

Six, Seven and Eight I haven't been on time for something since 2005. We're trying to run out the biological clock.

But it's fun...sometimes we'll go to the airport and just walk through the terminal en masse just to watch the terror on the business travelers faces....I know what you're thinking....that was you?

We get stopped and asked questions often.
people ask questions like "Don't you know how this works?"
and I say "Yeah, you see Wendy and Bob..."

or
"You don't work do you?" I'm sorry, but if the word Mom or Dad is associated with you in anyway as a moniker, you work...it's just the compensation packages that vary.
or

"I guess that's okay if you can afford them all.."

I got news for people. No one says, "According to my economic indicators, we can afford eight children so let's get to it!"

But the biggest question of all I get....and I conceed the most common, is "Why?"
Now I could get spiritual on all you people and say they're gifts from God which they are, or religious and mention that I am a practicing Catholic, which I am, but the real reason is I'm still working through some issues from middle school when I got a report card and the teacher wrote, "Sherry is Very Talented but a perpetual underachiever...."

I'm not sure but I think I showed her.
for humor that isn't always trying to overcompensate, try www.humor-blogs.com!