The Ten, No, Twelve Stages of Writing a Column*

*Not inspired in any way whatsoever by real life. Any similarities to the writing process for anyone (living or dead) is purely coincidental.  Really. 

12) I have an idea. Oh. That would make a good column. I should write it down. 
11) Writes it down. Oh, and I should add that and that and maybe tie in this...--Good idea brain.  Writes down more.  Wait...developing it too much before I get to the computer will kill it. 
10) Holds rest of ideas in brain but fears incontinence of brain.  Hold it. Hold it. Hold it until I can get to a keyboard.
9) Gets to Keyboard.
8) Where the hell did it all go?  How did I lose it? It was all so crystal clear, it was perfect, funny, urbane, and now it's gone! 
7) Self medicates --depending upon who you are, chocolate, surfing the net, alcohol, binge watching a series you've already seen.
6) Sits back down at keyboard, looks at notes. 
5) This is garbage. It's giberish. Why didn't I write more of it down? Why did I think fleshing it out more would hurt my ability to write it later? 
4) Looks at blank page.  I guess I should write something.
3) Writes something.
2) Rereads what's written and grieves.  It could have been so much more. It could have been the break thru piece, the one, the one everyone shares, the one that would have put me on the map as a writer. 
1) Pushes send/publishes anyway.   

Celebrate by returning to self medication.    Repeat tomorrow, or later today if inspiration strikes and you make it to the computer in time. 

*Editor's note: Mom, this is not how I do things.  Really.   I promise. 
(I eat the chocolate first). 

Okay.....Time to Write!

Man.  There are days I just can't wait to bang out words on the keyboard, and there are days when I look at that computer and can only think, I got nothing.   Today, I'm psyched. I'm energized.  I couldn't wait to get started.

I have...no ideas.

Not one.  Well, I have half formed notions but honestly, they aren't enough and I don't have the story to work around the ideas to make them worth reading or clogging up the internet.   But I've cleaned the house, the laundry is at an ignore-possible state, and I paid the bills yesterday.  I've already chalk colored half the driveway with my daughter.   I drank a diet coke, I've eaten breakfast and taken my vitamin.   There just isn't an excuse.  

But I sat and stared at the blank page and thought...well...what am I going to write about?   I know...

Before I could start, the computer security popped up a detection of malware and my screen rebooted.

No! No! The moment was gone, all the brilliance that I didn't write, is lost lost lost!

So you get...well, you get this...which I promise, would have been internet shatteringly good writing, if only...

Eat Sleep Write....

  Today, I take on the myths that come with being a "Seasoned Mother." My advice is worth what you pay for it, and should be taken with a grain of salt.

When Did We Become Such Ninnies?

So I wrote a piece for Eat Sleep Write in which I had a bit of fun with God, Heaven, grudges and purgatory.  It was done to play with the concept of how to reconcile being in a perfected state/place, and the petty, small and difficult things that clog up the heart and soul but it apparently upset people who read it because it was "too religious."

At first, I felt annoyed.  Have we become so fragile we cannot even endure someone else laughing about their own faith and failure to live that faith fully?  Did the very notion of such a person existing give vapors?  Do we need "Trigger zones" for those who wish to discuss anything other than the weather and everyone's health, a fine day and how do you do?   Because if everyone's feelings are paramount, someone will always be offended by whatever is posted.

How dare I post a picture of a sad puppy!  There are cat people out there who feel left out.  

or this...

People on diets, people lactose intolerant, and people who don't (for whatever reason), like chocolate again do not feel special.  

I cannot make everyone feel special anymore than I can make everyone laugh.  Humor by its nature is about poking at one's own or others misconceptions or faults.

But after thinking about it and praying about it, and wanting to go all Southern on those who felt discomfited by the fluff piece I wrote, I went back to the basics of humor writing.

1) The biggest fault a humorist can have, is the inability to laugh at one's self, to be a humorless prig about one's "art."

2) The second biggest fault, is to be "not funny." See #1.

3) The third biggest fault is to fight with people about the joke itself.  See #1,

So to those who felt the piece too religious, all I can say is, writing humor is a style, and sometimes, it doesn't suit everyone.

For the story that started it all, Why I'll Probably Be Spending More Time in Purgatory, the reaction probably added to my time as well for all those who appreciate irony.   For those irritated, take satisfaction in knowing, I'll pay for this...

Virtually Really Like Actually I Know Literally

Every once in a while, society develops a verbal tic.   In the '80's, like became a place holder for every thought that came after, and for all the non thought that also followed.   This year's variant of "Like" is literally.  

When a word becomes THE word, no one remembers the actual meaning of the word, because the actual meaning has been usurped by the new use.   Also, people using the word don't hear themselves using the word, it is muted from their mental memory, only other people use it.

I know because my daughter always tells me, she never uses the word she actually uses, though she'll use literally, literally four times in the course of a given conversation.  My lying ears tell me I'm hearing the word, even though it actually does not work as used.  

So what does literally mean?   It use to mean exact, precisely, truly.  Informally, it has become a means of stressing something as experienced, without being actually true.   So literally now means virtually, or kinda sorta, or ! but still also means actually, in truth, and precisely so.   Through repeated misuse, literally is literally both a synonym and antonym of itself.

Having explained the problem to my daughter, she didn't feel there was an actual problem and told me I really shouldn't like be so literal.      

Today I'm at Eat Sleep Write

As some of you know, I wear many writing hats, one of them is the humor writing administrator for a forum on writing comedy.  Sometimes I give lessons.  

Today, I've written a piece discussing how one transforms real life into humor.  Hint? You don't stay with just the facts.  If you'd like to read more, come over and visit me at Eat Sleep Write! Feel free to leave a comment or share as you see fit. Thanks!

Over at Eat Sleep Write

Writing about the reasons for writing humor today, and dealing with getting a son out the door at the same time. I'm a mom.  I multi-task.  

So go over and read at Eat Sleep Write!

Sequels and Prequels I'm Not Writing

10) Helen and the Sparkly Vampires. She doesn't like to be outshone by anyone.

9) Helen vs. Sharknado. "It's really more Odysseus's kind of thing." she said.

8) The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Mediterranean, by Nobody. Working title, I had trouble getting to Ithaca too.

7) He Had it Coming --Clytemnestra's Story.

6) Over 399 ways to Kill Your Enemies, a Practical Guide. --By Hector, Achilles and Several Other Heroes who killed more but get virtually no press.

5) "1000 tips to launch your First Ship, Extreme Makeovers" Pitched it to Helen, but she said, "If you're not going to bother to move at least an armada, it's not worth the trouble."

4) Looking Gift Horses in the Mouth and Other Truths from Beyond the Ilium Wall --by Paris.

3) She Came with Baggage, We should Have sent her packing --penned by Queen Hecuba before the sacking of Troy and the gods turned her into a canine. "Even before that happened, she was like a dog with a bone, she just wouldn't let this go." --Helen.

2) The Bachelorette: Ithaca Season. 104 Suitors, One throne, One Woman. This was nixed due to concerns it was rigged and that the main contestant didn't have any interest in any of the potential men vying for her hand.

1) A new version of the Iliad, three times longer than the original text, with more women in it so as to have parity, and maybe a new villain, like some necromancer type orc and a romance that isn't in the original sources.
  
If you're wondering, The Book of Penelope, 71K and growing. But I wanted to be silly for a change.

Delusions of the Non Published Wanna-be Writer

10) I'm the next Hemingway...well, I'm more wordy than that and I tend to use ellipses...but I'm writing the next great American novel.

9) I'm going to be richer than J.K.Rowling and Stephanie Meyer put together.

8) It will be easy to find an agent. So easy, the agent will seek me out rather than the other way around.

7) Edits? What edits? The editor will understand my prose is an intentional choice of style and not the result of sloppy writing mistakes of craft.

6) Oprah will love my book. She'll restart her book of the month club just for me.

5) The book tour will be financed by the publisher and include my whole family on one of those very cool million dollar Canadian buses.  The kids will love seeing the country. We'll eat well.  It will garner a lot of great press and buzz.

4) The New York Times will love my book. They will say nice things about me, my books, my style and my dog if I had a dog, because they love the book. 

3) My book will be a movie and it will be nominated for best adapted screen play and I will go to the Academy awards ceremony and get my picture taken with Oprah, George Clooney and any other stars that stop me and say, "Can you autograph my book? I love it and have read it over and over again."  I will have writer's cramp by the end of the evening because I've signed my name so much.  I will start signing books S.A. to deal with the pain but be true to the fans.

2) A prestigious university, (its English department weeping with joy), will offer me a position teaching writing and a course just on my book alone, which I will accept.  They will also give me an honorary Ph.D. because of the book.

1) It should only take about a month or two to write.

Writer of the not yet finished book and this blog note: Yeah.  I'm setting a time of 5:00 a.m. every day to work an hour on the Beast that is Helen.  Did my time yesterday and today.  Decided to have an indulgent moment of non billable writing and this is the result.