Signs the Quarantine is Getting to You

10) You watch cooking shows with a chip on your shoulder. "Sure you can make something from that basket, you've got a fully stocked pantry at your fingertips and you're only cooking for four." 

9) Discussions about what movie will be shown have camps, crossing over because the other side has better snacks is frowned upon.

8) Bedtime, morning alarms, lunch time, these are all mere social constructs that everyone else should follow.

7) One outing in the car a day is enought to require a two hour nap.

6) People discuss the weather with a degree of animation normally associated with sports or politics, because it's an observable change in the experience of day to day living.

5) Recall of what I was doing, why I came into this room, what day/time it is, and what we did yesterday is shot.   Memory of what we were doing last summer at this time? Crystal clear.

4) The creep of worry about the state of things has crept into where things will be next year.

3) Going into the car to curse at reality is a theraputic necessity that no amount of ice cream can eliminate.  --based on reports from teens. 

2) Your daughter offers to cut your hair based on the youtube videos she's been watching and your response is an unquestioning, "Okay."  because it's been since February since the last time anything of that nature happened and even if it's bad, no one will know.

1) You know how if you wear glasses, sometimes when you're not wearing them, you can still see the frames in your line of vision?  The same thing is happening with masks. 

Insanity Tips for Everyday Life

In the battle to maintain some semblance of domestic serenity, I find staunch denial a most effective tool.  Ergo, I've mastered the art of selective blindness.  If I don't see it, it's not messy.  It probably explains a lot about my house in general to my extended family to disclose this piece of information.

However, as I have aged, I have found despite my best intentions, my eyesight is improving.  I can't not see some things.  As a result, I have had to resort to other equally effective but willful actions to prevent the dust bunnies from swarming and causing permanent despair.  I yield these tips with the caveat that they will not keep you sane, but they will make the madness you embrace significantly happier.

10) Tell your appliances your expectations.  Then remind them that you have the number to 1800Got Junk if they start acting up.

9) Declare Laundry Amnesty for three days. Yes your pile will be huge when you get to it, but honestly, those 72 hours will feel really nice. Repeat after me, "I am the Queen of Egypt. I live on Denial." Then order dinner. 

8) Initiate a phone tree application when your children come to report that soandso said I couldn't play and so soandso is a stinky meanie pig head. "For homework help, press 1. For requests for snack, press 2, special projects or attire, press 3, tattling 4..." and have hold music at the ready.

7)When encountering an unexpected mound of trash or dishes, adopt a silent film persona. "So...We meet again Vile Pile...." or alternatively, become the villain and laugh "Muhahahahahahahaha!" as you turn on the disposal.

6) Dust off your robot 80's dance.  Make lunches in your best retro fashion.  Again, a soundtrack is useful but not necessary. Working in silence does however, keep your kids off balance and that's part of the appeal.

5) Hold a Burial service for all those non working machines in your home that you stubbornly forget to throw away.  Let your children play taps.  Toss them one at a time, maybe say a few works and feel the intense satisfaction of knowing, the vacuum that quits within five minutes of being plugged in and that always works perfectly when you take it to the shop, shall plague you no longer.

4) Pick a memorable date on the calendar.  On this day, sort all the socks.  Throw away all those that cannot find a mate.  Their time of dating in your household, is over.  They're spinsters. They're done.

I use Mardi Gras.Tax day works too.

3) Practice unleashing your mutant powers to make the piles of toys clean up themselves.  Alternatively, wave your magic wand and order the room to clean itself.  Complain about the unfairness of a lack of radioactive creatures running around to bite you and infuse your blood stream with superhero-ness and your own muggle status. Then don a cape and set the timer.  If you can't actually have powers, you might as well enjoy pretending.  Growl, "I'm Batgirl."

2) Pay yourself.  "Sherry, there are 20 dollars at Barnes and Noble waiting for you plus a Lindt Semi-Sweet Bar if you get the basement clean today."  Sign that contract. Then enforce it.

1) Compose your to-do list in the form of a poem.  You'll still make the list and you'll have satisfied the crazy art muse at the same time.  

Wash the dishes, fold the clothes
Feed the children, put the shoes in rows.
Hang the coats and make the beds.
Wipe the sinks and write poetry instead.

Pay the bills. Unload the washer and restart.
It's not earth shattering, nor is it great art.
Prep for dinner and load the car for errands
Don't forget the dry cleaning or the calendar.

 Then, if the dishes and laundry and house still seems too bad to manage, hold the phone overhead and declare....I will order Pizza if this floor is clean in 30 minutes and wonder....why it took you this long to think of this solution. 

Deep Fried Butter

State Fair of Texas' contenders include deep-fried butter, peaches | News for Dallas, Texas | Dallas Morning News | Latest News

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I kid you not.

This is a worthy creation. Talk about Extreme Eating.

As for marketing, I'm thinking: it's functional, it's probably grossly delicious and it's fun. For those who want to harden their arteries just that much faster.

Slogan: Twice the heart attack inducing power in just two mouthfuls!

And as for how it would be served:

For those who want it straight and think suicide should at least be tasty. Those hemlock soups are just so bitter.

For those who need a chaser, there's a tres leches milk shake with extra whip cream. Drink up. Munch. Clear!

Ahhhh. Me home state.