Things that Scare Mom

We've been watching Dr. Who lately and I admit, the weeping angels are pretty darn creepy.  However nothing compares with the following list of truly frightening things that make me break out in a cold sweat, things that make Moms wake shivering in sheer terror, things that make a grown woman cry and think of running away. 

10) Scarier than a chainsaw in the middle of a dark forest when you've gotten yourself lost is the phone call at 10 a.m.  "Mommmmmm....I forgot my homework. It's on the kitchen table and the teacher said she'd give me full credit if I got it to her today before the end of school. She leaves exactly at 2:45 so you'll have to come early if I'm to get it." 

9) Slightly less unnerving, more akin to the startle you get when the Horror film fakes you out with a friend knocking urgently at the door while the creepy music heats up, is the conversation on the ride home, usually just after the last convenient turn around point, "Mommmmm?  I don't have the right book for my assignment."  Either you turn around the car or you are the worst mother ever and the kid gets a bad grade. There is no win in this scenario. 

8)  "That's  MY SOCK!"  or any sentence that includes the word MY and an article of clothing during the rush of the morning, it means 1) a fight will ensue 2) at least one child is missing said article of clothing or this would not have been noticed and 3) probably both.  Bonus: The dryer probably has the missing item. It's also probably still wet. 

7)  From the Kitchen of the Damned if you do...the terrifying I don't like (insert whatever I've fixed for lunch or breakfast here).

6) Sequel, from the Kitchen of the Damned if you Don't, "There's nothing to eat!" that doesn't involve cooking and doing dishes.

5) Night of the Living Bed: Child zombies never stay down.  You get them water. You tell them good night. You turn off the lights.  And after 9, you still can hear them out there, whispering, searching for a way to get up and come down stairs.

4) The Mummy and the curse of the Tired.  They won't go to bed. You can't go to bed.  You go to bed and get awakened by the things that won't sleep, which means you won't sleep, but in the morning, they rest and you have the others who slept through the night to deal with.  They expect you to put your game face on and get going.  All I know is I'm not sure I should be operating heavy machinery. 

3) The Required:  It doesn't matter who it is or when it is due or why, there is always some impossible to locate object or material that a kid can't do without, which necessitates a separate sojourn by the mother to locate said required thing. If you don't find it, the kid flunks. If you do find it, someone else will have been unable to and have found a much better cheaper soon to be the permanent alternative replacement that shall now be The Required. 

2) Lost Notes:  In the instant communication age we live in, not having read the email means being in a permanent fog, as you never have a chance to go back and peruse the material. Who reads last week's emails? As a result, lost emails means intellectual oblivion with respect to whatever is going on, and that means, you probably will miss the key thing you shouldn't miss and the required material for the key thing you shouldn't miss. 

1) The lost shoe....just one shoe....the horror.  Give me a weeping angel any day.

Parenting House of Horrors

For true horror, moms have everyone else beat.  We deal in the unexpected on a daily basis, enough to have collected a cache of horror cliches that would leave the unseasoned, the unready and the uninitiated, paralyzed in fear. 

The following is from the Parenting House of Horrors Hall of Fame Collection.  Nominees for the 2012 awards can be left in the com box.

10) Cereal Killer: It's the Monday morning after a three day weekend.  You go innocently into the kitchen to start prepping for school.  Picking up the lunch box, it feels strangely heavy.  You shake it.   Sure enough, the bag has that tell tale sound, that "Don't go in there!" sound.  You've seen it before.  You know how this ends.  Don't eat before you go and pray neither the yogurt, nor the banana peel were left behind.

9) The Vanishing Part I:  Your shoes.  Your purse.  Your keys.  Your checkbook.  The one paper in a stack of 50 that needed signing and to be sent back. When you're in a hurry, one of these things will be gone.  When you're in a real hurry, you won't find out until you've left. 

8)  Abduction: You need help for a cleaning project.  Even in a home with ten children, not one can be summoned. My explanation?  Aliens.

7) Outbreak: One child gets a cold.  The child will need antibiotics.  No one else will show symptoms until you run out of the pink stuff.  Then every other child will have it, and you will have a whole shelf devoted to Amoxicilin.  Sometime around Thanksgiving, the last dose shall be measured out. 

6) The Vanishing Part II: I know you went shopping yesterday.  But somehow, there's no milk today.

5) Scream: An apple core....found anywhere. 

4) The Blob: Laundry. It doesn't matter how much you fold.  It doesn't matter how much you washed.  There's more today and it's coming to get you.

3) It Came From....:Any diaper that has exceeded design parameters.  It happens.  You know it. I know it. 

2) The Flood: That moment just before you identify the sound you've been hearing is running water...coming from a place where there shouldn't be running water.

1) The Vanishing III: Money.  Wallet.  Children.   Gone.

Scary Phrases

Children have the unique ability to elicit pure terror in their parents by what they say, do, don't say and don't do. The following is by no means an exhaustive list, but if you suffer from tremors after reading, you can't say you weren't warned.

10) Dad to toddler, "Where is the toothpaste?"
9) Five year old to Mom, "I can't find my shoes."
8) "We made a rainbow in our room." (Children are holding open markers, no caps in sight).
7) "Nobody's hurt!" (Most effective when uttered the instant Mom or Dad walks through the door).
6) "I forgot my math book." Always spoken when one is pulling INTO the driveway.
5) "My shoes are still missing." after parent has given a list of places to look.
4) I need a poster...cake...clay...usb....(after 9 pm on a weekday) for tomorrow.
3) "I saw the baby with your keys." in response to parent tearing through house looking for car keys, usually said without looking away from television.
2) "I'm sorry Mom." (No explanation given).
1) "I still can't find my shoes."