I'm #61!

I'm listed in the 100 Best Humor Blogs by Healthy Mom Magazine! 

Now I feel obliged to think of something funny to say but my first response to any award is to somehow channel Goofy.  All I can think is "Gawsh.  Thanks."

I have today had an insight about raising teenagers.

Everything is urgent, but ninety percent of it is unnecessary.   Next week, I reenter the work world.  This week, my children have done their level best to illustrate to me how the entire universe shall come to a screeching halt sabotaging their academic, social, athletic, artistic and future careers by my not being the equivalent of Alfred to their Bruce Wayne personas.  

They asked for milk shakes.
They asked for the opportunity to go shopping over the weekend.
They asked for care packages if they weren't at home. 

"I need my uniform."
I text back, by when?
I get no answer.   Which means, get it there now.

"Can you pick me up?"
It's not really a request.

Teens expect the answer will be yes.

The thing is, that's a good thing.  It means they're still expecting Mom to be Mom.   So I did drop off the uniform on time and mail care packages and plan a shopping trip and pick the other one up and I did get them milk shakes because it was hot and it's my last day of summer as a Mom until next summer and I won't be able to be this indulgent with my time come next week.  

Suddenly, all that unnecessary urgency seems like it was time very well spent.   

Thanks for visiting if you're new and to Healthy Mom for the honor of making the list.

Darn it all, I want Applause.

It is craven, self serving and proof sin (in this case the desire to be admired) makes you stupid, but there should be some sort of annual Mommy Awards.

Mommy Awards aren't for "best mom," because that spot's already taken by my own mother.   The Mommies are for doing what no one else will do, the unreasonable, the impossible, and the obnoxious.  We as moms, do not get the praise we deserve.  One day out of three hundred and sixty-five does not cut it.  Besides, that day we get flowers and breakfast in bed for BEING, not for what we've done.

These are MERIT based trophies, designed to call attention to the winner, for having the fortitude to endure the call of motherhood.   As with any award ceremony, there are many categories in which one might be nominated.

Sleep is for Losers Mommy Award:  As self explanatory as the name might seem, there's more to it than not getting the prescribed eight hours rest most adults need to function safely the other sixteen.   New Moms go sans sleep as a matter of initiation.  No.  Sleep is for Losers is given to the Mom who after doing the dishes after ten o'clock and crawling into bed by eleven, wakes fully when someone cries out at 2 a.m. because they've wet the bed, goes up the stairs, strips the bed, finds new sheets, cleans child, redresses and comforts child and then goes back down to bed.  Additional wake ups come at four by the teen who raided the refrigerator and left the lights on, five because another teen wants to take up early morning running and set an alarm she didn't wake up for, and again at 5:45 by the six year old who's hungry and wants breakfast.   Nominees must detail their schedule for a period of five days.  Voting will be done under the heavy influence of coffee and diet coke.  Award includes five minutes with a baseball bat and an alarm clock.

Schedule Goddess Award:  There are some moms out there who sign up for sports camp, back to school night and the Christmas pageant months in advance.  We think they might be robots or aliens or alien robots.   Schedule Goddess books everything at once and somehow gets all the kids assigned for whatever it is at the same place and at the same time even though they're at four different levels.   Schedule Goddess also books everyone's dentist for the same day.  A photo copy of one's calendar is required for nomination, to make sure you haven't booked things months in advance, proving yourself to be either a robot, or an alien, or an alien robot.   Your schedule will be put on a Pin-it under the heading Organized....immortalizing your moment of perfection.

On Time Award:  Mass, movies, hair cuts, they all have time slots.  But most moms view those times when things start as more like guidelines than actual rules.  I know the receptionist at my pediatrician nearly fainted when I showed up within five minutes of the actual scheduled appointment.   Nominees will be given a test (timed of course). Each contestant will be given a mini-van loaded with three children (without snacks) and a half gallon of gas. They must get from their homes to the dentist, the gas station and soccer practice within the hour. Closest to actual time for the two time stamped errands (while still keeping track of all three children) wins a NASCAR driver for the following week to do the trip instead.

ESP Award: This one seems like it's own reward but there should be public recognition of Moms out there who while going about the ordinary business of checking homework, paying the bills, managing their work emails, stop and register (a'la Madeline's Miss Clarvel) "Something is not right."

The number of trips to the emergency room averted by this seldom acknowledged matronly superpower cannot be overestimated.  Examples will be rated on a scale of 1-10 for level of severity, with bonus points added for property damage averted (say flooding the basement while filling water balloons) which would not be covered by insurance.  Reward: Whatever wasn't covered by insurance, gets covered.

And finally, the award everyone's been waiting for, The Mother Lode:  Submit your to-do list from the past month.  Whoever did the most wins! Winner will receive a trophy, and a day at the pool when it's closed to all but other nominees, and all food will be brought to you.   You cans spend it floating in absolute leisure, just be sure if you're also a nominee from the Sleep is For Losers category, you wear a life jacket while hanging out in the pool.

The reason for this post?   I scheduled ten physicals, ten dental appointments, two driving tests, 1 SAT Subject matter test and swimming lessons for five of them.   As I said, craven and self serving but darn it all, I wanted to mention it to someone.


Next Up:  Nominations for DAD Trophies are now open.

Awards We All Win That Nobody Gives

As a bench warming member of an actual b-team from the days when b-teams were peppered with those not blessed with athletic genes, my kids have it easy.  They get awards in team sports for showing up, for eating snack, for coming to practice and kicking the ball, even if it goes into the goal of the other team. 

If such praise had been piled upon me in my youth, I might have drowned from the sheer volume of pseudo marble and brass trophies, medals and ribbons garnered for futile attempts to be proficient at any sport.   Indeed, as a teen, I lobbied the powers that be to grant some acknowledgement to the perpetually physically hopeless athletically wrong headed who still pursued sports, so as to obtain a school letter from my elementary alma mater; something I never ever wore once earned.  

It taught me that getting the acknowledgment from the world, isn't all that I dreamed it would be.

But reaching adulthood, I find, we could all do with a few more bells and whistles for our accomplishments, awards we don't receive but which surely merit praise more than anything we ever did as youths riding the bench.

Thus I present the AWAWTNG AWARDS.  (Pronounced Awaiting...as in, we're still waiting to get them). Please read the requirements for being considered a candidate for these honorific acknowledgements and submit your candidacy for consideration.  The committee will get back to you soon. 

Not actual trophy to be awarded but close enough!

Award of Dubious to be Recognized but Unmistakable Merit #1:  The Dr. What, When, Where, How and Why Award.

We've all been there.  It's after dinner and dishes, the day is winding down and you make the grave error of walking through the house.  As such, you spy the shoes, the purse, the cell phone, the book, the kindle, the socks, the crucial thing that if you don't pick up right now, you will immediately forget what it was and where it was.  But because you're you and you're the responsible one, you force yourself to 1) pick said item up and 2) transport it to a central location where it will be immediately claimed but with no questioning as to how said object got to be so convenient.  The only one who knows the disaster that has been averted, is you.  You're like a time lord who stopped a great calamity by moving the Earth a fraction of an inch.  Time goes one for everyone else, but you know, you saved the world.  

Certificate of Absolute Distinction Never Quite Noticed #2  :That is Not a Great Song Award

On the opposite end of the time spectrum is the morning.  No one gets up to alarms. No one hears them.  They all go off.  You, selfless human being that you are, get up and turn those clamoring bells off and yes, you even wake those slumbering beings who need to rise without resorting to physical violence when they are the ones who opted to set up said alarm clocks to get up before sunrise for a new running regimen they don't follow.   As an added feature, the paper received can be wadded up and stuffed into one's ears to possibly avoid winning the certificate several days in a row.   There is a bonus for not using a hammer, potted plant, the complete works of Shakespeare or a mini-Louisville Slugger baseball bat that may be close at hand to turn off said alarm.

Babe...I've Got You Babe...



Highly Coveted Ribbon for Bravery No One Notices: Haircare Awareness

Every parent has a dreaded chore they wind up doing for a child who despises them for doing it.  For me, it is my 3 year old daughter, who does not believe her hair can be cut without causing her to lose physical, emotional and psychological strength.  It takes three days of preparation plus a well executed ambush to get the job done.  At which point I need to recover my physical, emotional and psychological strength.

Her shunning of the cutting of her locks has led to "creative" methods for regular grooming including trimming bangs while she sleeps, bribing her with her weight in lollipops, and holding her in a towel while she watches Team Umi Zoomie, the hair cut episode while trying to get a few inches off the top.   Her sister hit upon the brilliant idea of putting her remaining hair in a pony tail once we finished.  The end result, we could see her face and she is pleased but I got no props for getting rid of the cousin it look.   When we go to cast a ballot in the primaries, we get a sticker saying "I Voted."  Cutting a resistant child's bangs ought to at least merit a sash of some sort for the rest of the day.  

Note to recipients, you may wear this if you have to comb a child's hair or remove gum, in recognition of having put yourself in harms way.

 

 



AWAWTNG awards may also be given for Extreme Ambition: Taking all children out to a restaurant where they use plates that require washing, Exceptional Courage: letting your child drive the car and discovering those trees that can't move on the side of the road look a bit nervous; and Extraordinary Patience: Ignoring the complaints by offspring about how much work they have to do (I asked them to unload the dish washer) during the summer and how tired they are after getting up at 11:25 am.   Please notify the committee if you have an AWAWTNG award you feel you've justly earned.    

 

 

 

 



 

 

7 Quick Takes Friday

 

 

1. Sorry about the Super Light Blogging. 

 

My daughter has helpfully provided the motivation. 

 

2. How is Your Lent Going?

 

Mine is oddly well.  I know I'm turning to prayer more, that's for certain.  The scary wonderful thing is, I can see the effects.  The kids have always claimed I have an unfair friendship with Saint Anthony. They can cite many examples of things lost that he's found for me almost instantaneously upon request.  My oldest daughter jokes that I have an unpaid internship upon my death answering his calls as restitution for all of his intervention.  I told my daughter she could have a deeper relationship with a particular saint if she sought it.  That day, she and her sister had been at odds.  It was day three of deep dispute.  Both had been lectured. Both were urged to reconcile.  Both refused. 

 

Frustrated at the level of discord in the family, I went to both of them and told them each to pray to Our Lady, Undoer of Knots.  Now I know she has that title, and I even understand that title, but I didn't know the origin, nor did I really know why that particular suggestion came to my mind other than, the Holy Spirit knew what we needed.  Less than an hour later, the two who seemed so set in their grudges, so hard in their hearts, had made a real peace. Thank you Mary, Undoer of Knots.   

 

3.  A Miracle Every Day

 

This morning, my daughter came upstairs more chatty than usual, her heart was light.  "I prayed last night to Saint Joan."  She added.  It's her favorite saint.   She'd prayed it would snow.  As soon as she said it, I saw flakes.  There was a swirl of flakes, surrounding our home.  A cloud had parked right over our house and it was snowing, really snowing but only here.   I quipped, "You know, Saint Joan probably said, "This is not really my forte, I'm not normally associated with cold things."  But it was an answer, and the answer was yes.  It was silly and small and yet joyful.  I'm becoming more and more convinced that if we had our eyes open and our hearts as well, we would see the miraculous in the world every day. 

 

4.  Editing is like purgatory. 

 

All your writing sins are revealed, line by line, word by word.  And you spend the editing process trying to fix all the writing sins, knowing because you do not have eternity, that your penance shall be that whatever you fail to fix, will be read by your friends and family.   I'm suddenly regretting gently ribbing my sons for spell check errors like "The Dairy of Anne Frank" and Jesus visiting the sick leopards, and my daughter for the essay, "Why We Need a Book Club at Saint Martians."  Hey Sherry, how's that Buck ov HELL AND coming?

 

5.   Sin is Like McDonald's.

 

Wish I'd had this insight, it came from my daughter who has a particular weakness for their chicken nuggets and fries.  She explained, "You KNOW it's bad for you. You KNOW it has long term bad effects.  You DON'T want those long term effects.  But it looks good and I'm hungry so I'm eating it now."  Catechism through fast food...who knew?..well, I should have, because eating fish on Fridays at any of those places is penance..but then, I'm stupid enough to have eaten fish on a Friday at one of those places.   

 

6.    Not a Scouting Mom

 

Three of my children are currently in scouting programs.  This is the emotional equivalent of existing for 40 days on Filet-O-Fish for me.  One of my children was in the pine wood derby contest. We didn't go to the workshop so his car looked essentially like a block of wood with wheels.  He made it, he painted it, he thought it was beautiful.  Every kid at these things gets an award.   His award said, "Best Block of Wood."   He was still proud. He did not get the veiled insult/irony.  However, this does not make me love scouting more.   

 

7.    Healthy Eating

 

I have two committed athletes who run or exercise daily. I have two others with massive amounts of misinformation but who are trying their darnedest.  My doctor has requested a food diary.  This too feels like confession, every day I'm having to write something like I confess I ate a bowl of cheese grits, a Wendy's spicy chicken and a free chocolate frosty, the leftover Frito's and washed it down with an extra large diet coke.  I also snagged a peppermint patty at the gas station and ate half a Klondike bar because my daughter was full.  It is not fun.  It does explain why my diet is going nowhere fast. 

 

Fortunately, my children have come to my rescue. There is a contest to fill the food pantry at the school.  Yesterday I discovered as I hefted two unusually heavy backpacks into the car, half our can goods have been donated.  How do I explain charity in moderation to an 8, 7 and 5 year old?  I haven't.  They're too happy giving away my soups and beans and pasta and tuna.   Hopefully their generosity will translate to my sveltness.  

 



7 Quick Takes Friday

1. 15 seconds

My youngest son stood for 15 seconds.  He also said "Hello" this week and "I love you Dad."  It's hard to top that, but my pediatrician said, "He should work on saying, "I love you Mom." for Mother's day."  I'll just feast on his kisses on my cheek as he says, "Love, love, love, love, love."  It works for me.

2.  I'm Nominated

I didn't even know I was nominated in the 2010 Cannonball Awards for Most Underappreciated.  So go, show your love for Chocolate for your Brain! The losers still get a badge, a "I got nominated and all I won was this wrongful sense of pride" widget.  I'm just pleased to be in the company of My Wonderful Life and the Crescat and Aggie Catholics. 

http:www.//thecrescat.blogspot.com/search/label/Cannonball%20Awards

3. Fortelling

When my daughter was born 14 years ago today, I begged the nurse to show her to me.  "Let me see her." I demanded as they were wrapping her up. They turned her face towards me.  "She's beautiful." I said. The nurse then asked me, "Do you think you will have any more?"  Mind you this is three minutes after delivery and I guess it was in my heart before my head knew it because I responded, "Oh sure."   Happy Birthday!

4. My sons have discovered the hose.

My grass will never be thirsty again and socks will never be dry.  But the hose is the one toy that brings a surly almost 11 year old, a sensitive 6, a sparkly 8 and a brass 4 together.  Watching them play, as much as I hate to say this, it's worth a bit of extra laundry even if one child is wearing a leather cowboy costume vest.  

5. Prayer

Prayer never fails.  Not once.  We begin to speak towards God and God is waiting to pounce, to lavish us with His love, to answer, to answer, to answer.  So I invite each of you to pick one person you know that for the next week, you will pray for.  You don't have to tell them, you tell God.  You petition God for them, because of them, out of love for them, out of a difficulty loving them. It does not matter.  Pray for that person with your whole heart.  God hears; God responds.  I've got mine.    

6.  Saints

A jewler sends me a catalog and I drool over the silver he designs.  For over 15 years, I wore a silver cuff my father gave me.  It was just the right fatness, it got dented, left in a bar in Italy --I made the bus turn around, lost in a couch for six months, and then one day, I couldn't find it.  I remember I couldn't find it and voiced my sadness to my mother as I looked at the silver cuff advertised on the cover.  She suggested prayers to Saint Anthony and I agreed, I'd petitioned him on many an occasion for keys, for purse, for peace of mind, for minutes in the day, for a solution to a problem, for the energy to pray, for the capacity to act. 

"What would we do if we didn't have Saint Anthony?"  she asked. "Where would we be?"   It took me two seconds to find the answer, "Lost."   But sometimes, God works in the losing too. I lost my keys today after we came home, hence we had to bag softball practice and the slow winding weekend start was just what all of us needed. I've looked everywhere but can't find those keys. Yes I've put in a request to Saint Anthony too, but also I'm really enjoying Not being able to go anywhere so I can't say I'm looking too hard, not yet anyway.

7.  Happy Mother's Day

My mom was here for the week and it was really nice to have unrushed time with her and Dad.  Happy Mother's Day Mom!  I love you.  Still after all these years, you're one of my best friends and it's hard to go a day without talking.  Thanks for all you do, while here and from afar.  Any skills I have as a Mom come from you.  Much love.  --Sherry