Wednesday On Strike!

Breaking News:

Sources here at Chocolate For Your Brain learned today in an annonymous Tweet, that Wednesday, formerly Wodan's Day or Odin's Day, has taken the next week off.   When asked why, she admitted it's been building for a while, but between Black Friday, Cyber Monday, Fat Tuesday and Holy Thursday, and the weekends themselves, Wednesday is feeling discouraged.  "Hump day?  Seriously?   That's the best we can do?"

Pointing out Ash Wednesday didn't brighten her spirits.

"I want a holiday, one with I don't know, fancy drinks, an earworm song, maybe a traditional activity like making chili or running a 5K, flash mob dancing the moves to Thriller and releasing paper lanterns into the sky."

When pressed as to why, she explained, "There's nothing that sets me apart from the rest of the week.  Even Monday has all those Garfield cartoons,  and those songs by Foriegner, the Bangles and the Mommas and the Pappas,  Saturday has Elton John and the Bay City Rollers, plus no one ever gets sad it's the weekend.   Friday has a chain of restaurants and a tone of movies with his name in the title, not to mention a book where he's the secondary lead."

"You forgot Dragnet."
"Exactly! ....wait, whose side are you on?"
"No one's. Just remembering other associations for other days.  Thursday doesn't seem to have too many references out there."

"He's got a whole comic book character named after him who's an Avenger. Even two solo movies for Thor.  He's also still coasting from the years when he dominated TV, with Cheers, and now an early jump on weekend Football."  

"Tuesday doesn't..."

"She has a restaurant, a holiday and a Beatles song.   Don't get me started on her.  She sends me a Halloween card every year. Do you know what it is?"

"No."
"I have her most recent one....here."

Happy Halloween Wednesday,  Too bad it fell on a Monday this time.  But in two years, it will be your turn.   Love, T.

"How did you know it was Tuesday?  It says "Love, T."
"Thurs always signs "The TH!"  I think he thinks it's cool."

"What will you do with your day off?"
"Are you trying to be funny?"
"No!  You're taking your day out of the week, what are going to do with it?"

"Well, I did discover when I opted out, it became very hard to book an appointment, since no one knew when the appointments would actually happen so I plan on going to my favorite spa as a walk in, and maybe hitting the book store, followed by lunch at a local restaurant, maybe a glass of wine with dinner and a movie."

"Got a date with anyone special?"
"As a matter of fact yes, I have a date with February 29th.  He was very cute about it when I asked if he'd join me for sushi.  He said he'd have to check his calendar."  





 

April Fool's Day No Longer Celebrated

Owing to the lack of distinction in behavior by the human race on April 1st as versus any other day, April 1st has been canceled. 

When reached for comment, the month April said, "Hey, there are fools 365 days around, not just today and I for one am tired of being portrayed as having a monopoly on idiocy.  I have opening day and Easter most of the time and Spring and still what do I get tagged with?  Tax day, rain and stupid tricks that are the mental equivalent of knock knock jokes." 

April did not pull punches from her fellow calendar months, naming names that were the inspiration for this radical boycott of seasonal silliness.

"I mean, I woke up to a prank call from July, she's so damn smug, "Hey April, February is feeling really frustrated with the only 28 days thing and no one really likes that part of Winter so we decided she needed to have one extra day and drew straws.  You won....I mean, you get to have 29 days too, you'll be twins." Ugh. Talk about completely lame.  Even worse, Feb actually called me to thank me for the gift especially when there were plenty of months with an extra day to spare.  That was just awkward."

When pressed that it seemed only one month was the source of her irritation, April remained unmoved.  "Oh I know Aug put her up to this with Oct and Dec just egging her on.  Aug spends all his hot sticky days thinking up ways to punk me.  Last year, he sent seven dog walking services to my lawn over the course of a week.  It was nasty.  But I got even, I know lots of IRS agents."

When asked what we would do instead on this first day of the month aside from bills and changing our filters, she had this to say, "Well, there is Lent so I guess I'll have to let go of some of this irritation. People could go to mass.  They could also wish Sherry Antonetti's daughter Faith a Happy Birthday.  She's 13.  Otherwise, if you still feel like pulling a prank, I have the phone numbers for August and July.  They're both late sleepers so be sure and get your call in early."

 Happy April Fool's Day!*
Originally run in 2010. Updated only to give Faith's actual age.

Of All the Holidays I'm Missing, I'll rue skipping Nov. 20th the most

Why? Because 11/20 is National Absurdity day and I think my life could be a poster child for such an event.  But I know me, I'll get to that  Sunday and the focus will be the birthday coming up. Thanksgiving overwhelms me and so nothing absurd will be done to recognize or celebrate this occasion. 

I will have missed my opportunity. 

Now while personally, I suspect this holiday is celebrated on an hourly basis 365 days a year, I had to wonder, what other important Festivus type feasts am I missing? What other celebratory moments have I failed to honor?

Here's a mere triffling of them.

January 3 is …Festival of Sleep Day (I'm definitely penciling this one in for 2012).
January 7 is …Old Rock Day  (What does this even mean?) Are we celebrating the Rolling Stones or fossils?
January 31 is … Child Labor Day (Is it the day we make our kids labor? If so, I'm saving the basement for the last day of the first month of the year, oh yeah!)

February 3 is … Cordova Ice Worm Day  (The Lobbyists for spanish frozen invertebrate life forms must be fierce!).
February 20 is … Hoodie Hoo Day (Now they're just messing with us).
February 29 is … National Surf and Turf Day --This holiday ought to come more than once every four years for crying out loud!

Two months in and I'm sensing a lack of focus.

March 3 is … I Want You To Be Happy Day
March 5 is … Multiple Personalities Day
March 8 is … Be Nasty Day
March 9 is … Panic Day
March 22 is … National Goof-off Day
March 23 is … National Organize Your Home Office Day 
March 30 is … I Am In Control Day

(Perhaps Multiple Personalities day should come at the end of the month given the rest of these options; it would explain a lot).

April 7 is … No Housework Day --Now we're talking!
April 13 is … Blame Somebody Else Day --the reason the house is a mess is because of April 7th, I promise!
April 30 is … National Honesty Day Nuts...I have to come clean about the cleaning....

May 3 is … Lumpy Rug Day --Okay, I'm racking my brain on this one and all I can say is "WHY?"
May 9 is … Lost Sock Memorial Day --ditto.
May 26 is … Grey Day --Who authorizes this stuff? 
May 29 is … End Of The Middle Ages Day --do we have a End of the Holy Roman Empire day?  No. Do we have an, End of the Industrial Revolution day? No.  What about a End of the Enlightenment? No.  So why are we commemorating the end of an age that no one misses or mourns except in a highly romaticized and innacurate version at Renaissance Festivals?
 
June 5 is … Festival Of Popular Delusions Day (Like what?)
June 8 is … Name Your Poison Day  --Shouldn't this celebration take place after June 18th?
June 18 is … International Panic Day  This may be a continuation of June 5th. 
June 22 is … National Chocolate Eclair Day --they're not all bad I guess.

July 13 is … Fool's Paradise Day --These two were in odd conjunction to each other.
July 14 is … National Nude Day
July 15 is … National Tapioca Pudding Day and Respect Canada Day (Make up your own joke here).
July 27 is … Take Your Pants For A Walk Day (Not to be confused with July 14th).
July 29 is … Cheese Sacrifice Purchase Day (What is a Cheese Sacrifice?)

Midway through the year, I sense they are running out of inspiration....
August 6 is … Wiggle Your Toes Day (okay.....)
August 8 is … Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor's Porch Night (Forewarned...I'm armed).
August 9 is … National Polka Festival

I'm deliberately leaving out August 13th when it's Blame Someone Else Day, because we already had one back in April. I'm guessing we really didn't have to do two of these. 

August 18 is … Bad Poetry Day (Does this really need acknowledgement? Isn't its existence enough?)
August 24 is … Knife Day (How does one celebrate this in actuality?  For one thing, I guarantee, whatever you do, you aren't going on a flight that day).

September 2 is … National Beheading Day (Because Knife day wasn't satisfying enough).
September 20 is … National Punch Day (Either there's a lot of repressed anger over at the powers that be that denote celebrations wherever that is in our ever thoughtful government or we're partying over the fact that we can mix ginger ale with pineapple juice, ice and frozen concentrated o.j.  If it's the later, perhaps a few blows to the head might explain this). 
September 28 is … Ask A Stupid Question Day (Like why we have days like this?).
September 29 is … Poisoned Blackberries Day (Yikes! I'm not touching any food this day, these folks are mad).

October 3 is … Virus Appreciation Day (single not quite celled infections deserve our admiration...)
October 12 is … International Moment Of Frustration Scream Day (This has merit).
October 19 is … Evaluate Your Life Day (But then so does this).
October 28 is … National Chocolate Day  --I MISSED IT!  May have to celebrate posthumously or also consider celebrating October 19th if I don't.

November 1 is … Plan Your Epitaph Day --Done that, for my tombstone: "She Tried Hard..."
November 9 is … Chaos Never Dies Day --It doesn't even fade.
November 28 is … Make Your Own Head Day --I'm hoping there's a word missing here, like cheese, but if there isn't, it may be because of that Beheading fiasco on September 2nd. I think I'll pass on that one.

December 10 is … Festival For The Souls Of Dead Whales (Whales don't have souls. Just sayin).
December 18 is … National Roast Suckling Pig Day (Not that pigs have them, but why are their souls also not being mourned? Answer: Because they're really really yummy).
December 26 is … National Whiners Day (This sort of behavior, like beheading, probably doesn't need encouraging).
December 27 is … National Fruitcake Day (Again, this sort of thing shouldn't be encouraged).

Just so you know, I didn't even give you half of the offerings.  Having looked at them, first I promise not to pull a Julie/Julia type project where we try to call to mind each one each day.  If we did, we'd be exhausted. The whole calendar reads like a wierd hybrid of a kindergartener's inspirations and a passive agressive marketer for various frozen and ethnic foods.   We need ordinary time and non celebrated vegetables to be able to appreciate the brighter moments in life.   We need quiet and rest and everydayness that having a celebration every day can't bring.  Nevertheless, I can't wait until January 3rd.  Look it up!

Book Em Friday...or Tuesday, 10 O'Clock

I love and trust my doctor, but I hate specialists.

They love having extra appointments. They love making rules that no children can come, and they love setting hours that prevent leaving kids with my supportive spouse unless he takes the day off.

Yesterday, I finally got a hold of the specialist reception office. They take off from 12 to 2 for lunch and the machine doesn’t take messages and close at 4, except on Monday, when they close at 3. The phones also aren’t answered before 9 am.

When I complained about the inflexibility of times available, the receptionist explained, if I had called last week, I could have found better times. I called last week. No one answered the phone, even though it was during business hours.

“What day was that?”
“Thursday.”

“That was our staff meeting day. We turn off the phones so as to not be interrupted.”

“…Okay, well, now when can I come in?”

“2:45 Tuesday.”

“That’s when school is out and I pick up my kids…”

“What time is good then?
“I can come on Monday, Wednesday or Friday between 10 and 12:30.”

“We have an opening at four on Thursday.”
“The times I gave where when I would only have to find a sitter for my infant. If I come at 4 on a Thursday, I would have to bring all seven younger children.”

I think she thought I was kidding because she then offered 3 o’clock on Tuesday and then five on Monday. I kept bringing up the problem of child supervision and she finally sighed and offered up noon on Thursday.

I’d have to bring three kids. Hardly ideal, but I took it.

“What is this test for anyway?”
“Stress.”
…

“Hello?”
“I’m stressed.”

“Pardon me?”
“Your schedule for my appointment. It’s stressing me out.”

“This isn’t about your stress levels.” She explained.
“Apparently.”

“This is about the stress experienced by the baby.” She soothed.
“But if Mom is stressed, you can bet baby is stressed.” I argued.
“You can book the next four appointments.” She wasn't moving.

And lucky me got 10:15 Thursday, a 2:00 Wednesday and a lovely 3:30 on a Friday. I’d be schlepping three to seven for each of these examinations…I hoped the little guy had low blood pressure because this would be scads of fun.

Looking at a blocky ugly crowded three weeks, I dutifully penciled the schedule into my calendar.

“You’re in luck.” The receptionist said, “For the fourth appointment, I can manage an 11:30 on a Wednesday.”

My need to win got the better of me and I refused to book the final appointment—“He’s due that week so I don’t think I’ll need one.”

“You could always cancel.”
“No. I don’t want to even have it on the schedule.”

“I think you’re being rather childish.”
“No, it’s just that I’m having a company meeting that week and won’t be able to take calls.” I hung up and sighed contently at the aparently unscheduled week.

I probably just earned a few years on hold in purgatory but I haven’t yet decided to be penitent.

P.S. If you're stuck on hold or stuck with a customer like me on the line, you could use a laugh so try Humor-Blogs.com!

Waiting for Mensa to Call...

This year I got a page a day calendar, and it’s put out by Mensa. Imagine the joy of getting up each day to a pop quiz. What fun.

Whee.

The first three days however, I gave it a shot and you know what? I did it.
What a rush.

The first day I solved the problem, I felt like “Hello, I’m Super Mom and me and my magnificent brain thingy are going to solve all your problems. Ask me how to go from COAST to SLIDE in seven steps, changing only one letter each time and each time making a word. Go on…Ask!”

No one asked.

The second day, I solved the math pattern problem and got the answer right but the method wrong. Close enough I thought. I GOT THE RIGHT ANSWER. Sherry G. Antonetti…supra genius. I like the way that rolls out….Sherry G. Antonetti….supra genius.

Reality hit back hard when the toddlers found the left over Christmas wrapping paper and unrolled it to get the cardboard tubes. Hey Genius the mess seemed to mock, how to you clean this up?

On the third day, it was a Tom Swifty and though I unscrambled all the words correctly, when it came to phrasing, I got it wrong. Being a Supra Genius, I said, “Who cares?” And then to prove the point, I wondered, “Why do Tom Swifties exist at all?”

The next two days were the weekend and I didn’t get to the calendar. Come Monday, it was a word problem. I hate word problems. I got it wrong. I tried to justify my answer. It was still wrong. Still, my record was 3-1-1 so I was shaken but not out of the genius running.

Yesterday. A pattern question. I spent all day puzzling over this one. All stinking day. When I finally checked my answer and got it wrong, I declared it a cheat test of my intelligence if they don’t give all the rules. When my husband looked at the puzzle and remarked “That’s tough.” I casually let slip, “Oh, it’s every letter that is made of only straight lines.” I had my reputation to maintain.

It has become an epic battle just to know what day of the week it is. I dread being given yet another chance to prove my ignorance on a daily basis, but I go back to it, just as surely as I do the super hard Sudoku. Today's puzzle, a letter problem.

"Place the same three-letter word in each blank below to make three different words."

_ _ _ ANT
_ _ _ DON
_ _ _ URE

Maybe there's a B-Team for Mensa.

By the way, the answer, (I looked on the back), is TEN --Get it, today's the tenth. The Supra Geniuses of the world are sniggering at my piddly intellect.