The Way Back Machine

Peabody here, with my boy Sherman.

Hi ya folks! Gee Mr. Peabody, what are we going to do today?

Today? puffs a few rings out of his pipe. Today my boy, we are going to travel back in time to see...Interrupting, waving his arms excitedly,"To see the beginnings of the American revolution in 1776?"

"No." Peabody looks placid but annoyed.

"To visit Paris, France at the time of the building of the Lourve?"

"No." Raises eyebrows, feeling fatigued.

"To ancient China to watch as they invented gun powder?"
"No." sighs deeply and puffs a few times on pipe.

"Well Gosh Mr. Peabody, what are we going to see?"

"We are going back just to the year 1999."

"The year 1999? But I was born then. There will be a time cross inconsistency. You might erase me from existence if I'm at two places in one time."

"Sherman. Come here."

"Yes Mr. Peabody?"

"I don't know if anyone has broken the news to you, but you are a cartoon figure. You were born around 1966 and you haven't been any age but ten ever since."

"Really?"

"Really."

"So what are we doing in the year 1999? Watching the Y2K that wasn't?"

"No."

"Investing in Enron, Ebay or Google?"

"No, that would be securities fraud. Time travel monitors frown on that sort of thing."

"Partying like it's 1999 and telling Prince not to bother changing his name?"

"No. Today we are going to see what life was like for a struggling writer when she only had four children."

"You mean she's got writer's block and she couldn't think of anything orriginal to say today for her blog?"

"How very perceptive you are Sherman. Have a cookie." Pats Sherman on the head. Sherman eats cookie, "Where'd you get that?"

Peabody narrating.

Operating the Way back machine is simple enough. I adjusted the controls and we were off, to a townhome in Derwood, Maryland, where a woman with four children, sat staring at her computer, waiting for inspiration.

Me: "How did you get in here? I didn't open the door."

Peabody: "We have traveled from the future."

Sheman: "2008 to be precise."

Me: "You have a time machine and you only go back nine years? and why?"

Peabody: "Because your future self is stuck and can't think of anything to write, we thought you might be able to help."

Me: "She does huh? She's still writing?"
Sherman pipes up. "Yes, she's got a bl---"Peabody grabs Sherman, covering his mouth, whispering "We can't reveal too much about the future my boy, the consequences could be disasterous. Either she can or she can't help."
Sherman: "Right! By the way, you have dog breath."

Me: "You know I'm right here in the same room. I can hear everything you're saying in that solliloquy Shakespeare."

Peabody, producing an atomizer and puffing his mouth to freshen up. "Then you know we simply need your help."

Sherman: "How did you do that?"

Peabody: "Hmm? Oh. I'm a cartoon character, I can produce anything, except an actual thing."

Sherman: "Oh." doing some hard thinking.

Me: "Well, you're in luck, I have a piece here, I just finished it. I think it's pretty funny."

Peabody narrating again, "Grabbing the disc, we hightailed it out of the year 1999 and back to our own comfortable living room of 2008."

Sherman: "I don't get it Mr. Peabody. I mean, we did that trip and I don't see any new entry from the year 1999."

Peabody, looking frustrated, "That's because the technology of today is too advanced to read this primitive floppy. We'll have to dig through her records and find a paper copy. Back to the Wayback machine my boy!"

Setting the controls, I decided to avoid another visit with our would be authoress and head straight to her basement of her then new home, there stacked five boxes up and three boxeds deep and ten rows wide, were papers.

Sherman: "My goodness. Doesn't she throw anything out?"

Peabody: "She will tomorrow Sherman, that's why we're here today. She's called 1800 Got Junk and we have 24 hours to find that story or it's lost for the ages."

Sifting through the papers and not a few paper cuts, we found copies of old high school programs for Dracula, The Skin of Our Teeth and Hello Dolly. We also found diaries dating back to 4th grade, every spiral notebook from college and an entire six boxes of lesson plans from three years of teaching.

Sherman: "We'll never find it."

Peabody, "We've got to...and it would help if you kept going through boxes instead of stopping everytime you find a comic book." snatching one out of his hands.

Sherman: "But that's the Xmen one where Storm gets a Mohawk. It's a collector's item."

Peabody: "Be that as it may Sherman, we are here..."

Me: "Hey? What are you two doing here again?"

Peabody: "My apologies, you see, the disc you gave us isn't readable by modern standard equipment."

Me: "You can travel through time and you can't read a floppy?"

Peabody:"I admit, it is a bit ironic. Anyway, we need a hard copy of a story about your children that's funny for tomorrow's blog entry. Do you have one?"Me: "Sure."

Opening the second to last box, Sherry rifled through the papers quickly, producing a three page story and a spiral notebook.

Me: "These should last for a few entrees anyway. Have fun."

Returning home once again, we handed the papers off to the real time Sherry and went back to our home for a well earned rest.

Sherman: "In all that running around, I didn't even get to see the story."
Peabody: "All in good time Sherman my boy, all in good time."
Sherman: "But why run it now?"

Peabody: "Because as any officinado of Sherry knows, the best Sherry is always allowed to age, before it's consumed." pouring himself a glass. Sputtering, "Sherman, what are you doing?"

Sheman is sporting Tom Cruise sunglasses, a mohawk, a motorcycle, guzzling a beer and smoking a huge cigar, "I'm taking a vacation and going cross country!" Wonderwoman is riding on the back of his bike. She giggles. He cranks the AC-DC CD on his sweet ride and vrooms out the door. "Asta La Veesta Baby!"

Tune in tomorrow for the actual episode, the uncovered story on a very old floppy.

In loving tribute to all things Moose and Squirrel related, for more humor, puns and assorted mayhem that hasn't been tossed in the landfills of history, try http://www.humor-blogs.com/!

And Now, A Dog and Pony Show!

My blog is up for review at Humor-blogs.com which means we have extra visitors this week.

The complaint has arisen amongst the reviewed and the reviewers that no one checks the archives to see if a blog is consistently funny.

There are two theories to being evaluated.

1) Time to be reviewed, get gussied up, put on your best lesson plan and hope it dazzles.

2) Time to be reviewed, do what you always do, and be praised or damned for what you do normally.

Now, when I was a teacher, I fell into the second category. As a parent, I have come to appreciate the first. We want the dog and pony show, even if we know, that's exactly what it is. One of my favorite quotes is, "If this is the best there is, then boy are we in trouble." It applies to blue ribbon schools, television shows, political candidates....

Thus as a service to all those out there who want to know if Chocolate for Your Brain! can dish out consistent comedy, I commend to you, the best of...I'm giving you the titles, you'll have to click on them to enjoy! It's like getting the guide to the inside of a box of Chocolates. You know exactly what you're going to get. I promise no jelly filled ones.

Yes, I even dressed up for this one. I put on makeup this morning because appearances matter.

In the Archives. This blog started back in late October, I formally launched it --let friends know and spammed out messages November 4th of 2007.

October and November Selections:

Start with First Impressions, it reveals who I am and why I write, something people who review these things sometimes want to know.

Higher Concepts of Math and Me for those who have older kids, will amuse anyone who has had to help with homework.

Game Boy or X Box Live deals with teaching children laundry and Game Show addresses the vexing question, Name that Sound! A child is in the other room. You hear a noise. Run? or Ignore.

December Selections:

Yes, I did seasonal stuff, Sauce for the Goose is a worthy contender, as is The Real Christmas Fruit Cake and Why We have an Artificial Tree.

January Offerings:

Stand Up! Waiting for Mensa to Call and Man Shop! Get my votes, along with 50 Something Betters for rounding out your reading pleasure.

Of course, the other stuff is equally stunning. Some of it is even more fun than LOLcats doing the tango over Niagra Falls. (I don't think there is such a shot yet so if you hurry, you can own that puppy....er...kitten...whatever). Two that work in tandem are Potty Wars and Cold Potty Wars, and for more toddler mischief writ large, try the Adventures of Contrary Boy and She Who Would Be Two, or Pillow Talk!

If Political stuff is your cup of tea, check out Hillary's Family Tree and Cheers for Iowa! and Richard Blane for President is coming next week. Timely satire includes Law and Order in the Food Court from the archives, and Having a You TubeMoment.

And there you have it, a few pieces with nuts, some with fruits, and some truffles and caramels to round the whole thing out. And you can eat it all up without any guilt whatsoever, and all before Valentine's Day.

Happy Reviewing! As for the rest of you, I'm still a mom. Sometimes, you get leftovers.

Deal.
for more humor that's not warmed over or fresh from the microwave, try http://www.humor-blogs.com/!

Now What?

Today, I made the A team.

I had the Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer moment "I'm Cute. I'm Cute...they said I'm Cute!"

It took 41 years but I did it.

After multiple After school ABC special worthy auditions to volley ball, high school musicals and college dance troops and bands, where I always wondered when I was put in the chorus or on the b-team if they were just having pity on me, today I made the cut. I'm doing standup comedy in front of 400 humor writers in Dayton, Ohio at the close of the Erma Bombeck workshop. 34 brave souls auditioned. 12 will perform.

I'm first.

Suddenly, that bench warming spot is looking very comforting.

It's not that I'm afraid of public speaking. Speaking my mind has never been much of a problem. I'm afraid I'll bomb.


You see, every time I write a piece, the instant it's polished and published, I have three seconds of peace and then the nags begin.


That was a good piece.
What if that's the last funny I ever write?
What if there is no more in the tank?

Oh No!

And then I get to reading and obsessing and following my toddlers around writing terrible first drafts about the fight they're having over two wooden blocks and who gets to stare at the cereal box while they eat.


I've pointed out that neither of them can read but this never seems to matter much.


Six half sputter starts later, I'll throw the notebook into my huge bag of must come everywhere with me stuff and call my husband about the dry spell.


“Sherry, you just got a piece accepted yesterday.”
“Yes, but I haven't written anything today!”


Now my husband is a very patient man. He has a variety of tricks for handling my roller coaster response to success and failure.

When I complain because I got rejected for example:
"Well, I guess it wasn't what they were looking for, maybe it needed more work."


"What? It was wonderful! I proofed it. I vetted it. It got good responses. That's it, I'm submitting it again and they'll be sorry."


Other times, he uses reverse psychology.

"You're right, you'll never write something that funny again."
"How do you know?"
"You just said so."
"No. I won't write like that again. I'll write something even better. You'll see."


When he's busy and I pull this stunt, he has an emergency escape button. "I'll bring home two Chocolate! Chocolate! truffles. (It's a store on the base floor of his office building)." This mollifies me instantaneously.
“Thanks sweetie, I’ll call you later. Sorry to bother you.”


Finally, he has a trump card. "Why don't you let me read it?"

Nothing makes me edit better or faster than knowing He's going to read my stuff. It’s like my writing is getting ready for a date with his brain. I have to primp before I can show it.


Except I've never done stand up.


I tried telling him the routine over the phone. This was a bad idea.
After five minutes of talking and hearing the sound of fingers clicking away at the computer sound an awful lot like crickets chirping, I told him, I'd call back later.


In his defense, he Was working.


So I hijacked my kids for an instant audience.
Little did I know, I'd just signed on the three judges of American Idol.


Would be Simon: "I'm very surprised, I almost laughed." I think it's revenge for my critique of his English paper last week.

Paula Wantabe: "It was wonderful. What are you going to wear?" She began bringing me sparkly things.

Randy and the Dawg Pound: Started making up their own material, ignored me completely.



But I'm not discouraged. At 41, there are precious few things one gets the opportunity to do that are "cool" that do not involve:


1) an outlay of serious cash to cover medical expenses,
2) breaking the law,
3) engaging in self denial.


April 5th in Dayton, Ohio. Mark your calendars. I may need a few more Chocolates for this one.
for possibly less neurotic doses of humor than this one, try http://www.humor-blogs.com/!